Keeping Score

From The Daily News of Saturday, April 19, 2008 . . .

Elliott Harris, in the Chicago Sun-Times: “Ken Williams is upset by Jose
Canseco’s claim that the White Sox general manager and the team knew of
steroid use in their clubhouse in 2001. On the bright side, no Canseco
reports of any Sox trying to hit on his wife.” . . . It’s bad enough that we
have to deal with erratic drivers on cell phones, now there are cyclists
trying to pedal while steering with one hand and working a phone — texting?
— with the other. Here’s hoping those people have an ambulance on speed
dial. . . . Greg Cote of the Miami Herald, writing on Dancing with the
Stars: “The Dolphins’ Jason Taylor nailed the Vienna waltz and now seems to
be among the favorites, with former Olympic skater Kristi Yamaguchi
considered his biggest competition. Cannot confirm Taylor received a note
from Tonya Harding offering to take care of the situation.”
The Sports Curmudgeon, in a piece calling for the abolition of the Olympic
Torch relay, writes: “I can’t wait for the Al Gore acolytes to complain
about the Olympic flame’s contribution to greenhouse gasses and how taking
the torch around the world has a carbon footprint equal to a jillion farting
cows in feedlots around the world.” . . . The curmudgeonly one is correct in
his view that it is time to put away the torch and use it only for lighting
the cauldron during the opening ceremonies. . . . The ol’ Curmudgeon also
points out: “The folks who are in charge of deciding what may be in the
bloodstream of Olympic athletes and what may not be there have banned eating
deer penis and turtle blood because of some metabolic substances that offer
performance enhancement possibilities. Actually, if an Olympic athlete were
able to run down a stag so that the athlete could kill it and eat the penis,
that seems as if it might be part of the ancient ‘Olympic ideal.’ On the
other hand, in all of the myriad cookbooks that my long-suffering wife has,
I find no mention of deer penis as a foodstuff to be prepared in any way.
Maybe you could braise it in turtle blood.” . . . And if I hear one more
person talk or write about how the Olympics are non-political, I think I’ll
gag.
Here’s syndicated columnist Norman Chad: “More than 30 world records have
been set since the LZR Racer was introduced in February, all but one of them
by swimmers wearing the new suit. Reportedly, the Yankees’ Jason Giambi has
ordered two — pinstripes for home, gray for the road.” . . . Charles Nebe, a
Washington Post reader, sent this note to Chad: “If aliens decided to land
at Augusta National during Tiger Woods’ backswing, how long after he
finishes his shot should we wait to take pictures?” . . . Sorry, but we’re
going to have to wait until next year to find out. . . . With Tiger having
failed to win the Masters, does that mean this golf season is over? Or is it
a Grand Slam of some sort if he finishes second in all four majors? . . .
You’re wondering what Trevor Immelman did the night after he won the
Masters? He and his wife Carmenita went to New York, taped David Letterman’s
show and then watched the Knicks lose to the Boston Celtics. . . . Win the
Masters and go to a Knicks’ game? Immelman must have lost a bet with
Letterman.
Scott Ostler, in the San Francisco Chronicle: “Barack Obama bowls a score of
37 for seven frames. Even more embarrassing, I hear Obama had a terrible NFL
Combine, while Hillary says she ran a 4.3, under sniper fire.” . . . Gotta
think the RCMP should be offering a contract to Merritt-based hunter and
trapper Kim Robinson. Or maybe he can take over the lead role on Dog the
Bounty Hunter. . . . Wonder how long the Bushman of the Shuswap would have
been on the loose had Robinson been on his tail? . . . Steve Burgess,
writing at thetyee.ca: “. . . if recent history holds, (Dave) Nonis will
sign with the L.A. Kings and take them to the Stanley Cup. We’ll somehow
trade for Alexander Ovechkin, just as he discovers a new love for deep-fried
Mars bars and hollandaise sauce. Just another chapter in the ongoing tale of
hockey’s Washington Generals.”
Mike Lupica, in the New York Daily News: “Do you suppose that even the money
grabbers at the International Olympic Committee are starting to figure out
that it’s not going to be quite as easy as they thought to convince the
world that China is about as cool a place to live as La Jolla?” . . . . Shaq
knows who is going to win the NBA championship. “I can’t do some of the
things I once did,” the big guy was saying the other day. “I can’t get the
numbers I did. Every 36-year-old goes through the same thing. But remember,
I’m still the baddest 36-year-old guy out there, and that’s going to be
enough.” In other words, in the end, the Phoenix Suns will shine. . . .
Jerry Crowe of the Los Angeles Times notes: “The only coach with a losing
record in the storied history of Kansas basketball is James Naismith, who
invented the game.”
The pope is to say Mass at Yankee Stadium on Sunday. As Mike Lopresti of USA
Today writes: “Presumably, New Yorkers will be polite and won’t call
Benedict XVI the same names they call every other visitor in uniform in
Yankee Stadium." . . . “If you’re under-30,” writes Chris Snethen at
thevig.portlandtribune.com, “awesome has been replaced by amazing, an
equally lazy word. While it grates on me every time I hear amazing where
awesome would work just as well, I don’t judge the kids for using it. It’s
their world we’re living in now. We’re just paying the bills.” . . . Here’s
Wayne Gretzky, talking about Washington Capitals star Alexander Ovechkin:
“He’s got Mike Bossy’s hands, Jari Kurri’s on-ice awareness, and Mark
Messier’s physicality.” . . . And then there’s Sergei Fedorov, who says
Ovechkin is “unique — he’s a North American from Moscow.” . . . After San
Jose was charged with 18 giveaways in Game 1 of its series with the Calgary
Flames, Sharks veteran Jeremy Roenick told the Calgary Sun that he doesn’t
pay attention to those numbers: “I never believe any of those stats — one
minute, the stat guy is eating his hot dog, and the next he’s writing stuff
down.” . . . The story is untold no more. In Doris Day: The Untold Story,
author David Kaufman claims the singer-actress had an affair with New York
Yankees slugger Mickey Mantle in 1962. As Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times
noted: “Guess that explains why you never once heard him utter any
complaints about Day-night doubleheaders.” . . . The Mick played in only 123
games that season, meaning he spent a lot of the season listed as
Day-to-Day.

Gregg Drinnan is sports editor of The Kamloops Daily News. He is at
gdrinnan@kamloopsnews.ca. Keeping Score appears Saturdays.