Keeping Score

When the Texas high school football coaches held their convention in Fort Worth recently, there were, according to the Fort Worth Star-Telegram, more than 11,000 coaches in attendance. Noted columnist David Thomas: “Waiters and waitresses at downtown restaurants report disappointment upon learning that, when it comes to tipping, coaches don’t give 110 per cent.” . . . You know that hockey coaches would tip at least that much. Right? . . . When the Kamloops Blazers’ shareholders get around to putting their WHL team up for sale, will they try to sell it on eBay? . . . It’s true. The Pittsburgh Steelers have a mascot. Its name is Steely McBeam. Geez, no wonder Bill Cowher quit as head coach. Wait. There’s more. Steely bears a striking resemblance to Cowher. Which means every time we see Steely on TV, we’ll see his wife and daughters in the next shot.
TheOnion.com had this take on the Barry Bonds saga: “The fact that Bonds has not been implicated in dogfighting, nightclub shootings, gambling or murdering his family has transformed his controversial pursuit of the all-time home-run record into the feel-good sports story of the summer.” . . . Greg Cote, in the Miami Herald: “Can someone please advise ESPN to cancel the ridiculous X Games and require all of those slackers way too old to be skateboarding to please get real jobs?” . . . Baseball fans are watching closely to see if the Chicago Cubs fold their tents now that left-fielder Alfonso Soriano is hurt. As Jay Mariotti of the Chicago Sun-Times wrote after Soriano went down: “When you see the Brew Crew blow a 6-1 lead in the ninth inning only days after two players challenged (manager Ned) Yost in the dugout for admonishing teammate J.J. Hardy, it’s easier to stomach the ‘one-centimetre tear’ in Soriano’s right quadriceps. If you ever wondered why cheese has holes in it, the Brewers are Exhibit A.”
The Sports Curmudgeon notes: “Last year, the (Atlanta) Falcons’ depth chart was (Michael) Vick and (Warrick) Dunn; now it is (Joey) Harrington and (Jerious) Norwood. That’s not as bad for Atlanta as the arrival of William Tecumseh Sherman, but it’s not good.” . . . The Seattle Mariners’ mascot — surely, you have seen The Moose — was on his ATV and narrowly missed running over Boston Red Sox outfielder Coco Crisp during a recent game. And what was Crisp thinking in the immediate aftermath? “I didn’t see my career flash before my eyes or anything. Actually, I was thinking of me being a billionaire,” he said. “I probably could have made as much as somebody’s wife divorcing a billionaire.” . . . “Or at least as much,” noted Jeff Gordon of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, “as Jean Strahan in her divorce from poor Michael.”
The other night, NBC’s Jay Leno weighed in with: “It was so hot today, NBA refs were fixing hockey games just to be near the ice.” . . . And here was CBS’s David Letterman: “It was so hot today, Michael Vick was organizing penguin fights.” . . . The last word on the Tour de France goes to Mike Bianchi of the Orlando Sentinel, who wrote: “I’m not saying the Tour de France competitors were all a bunch of dopers, but I believe the last two riders who battled it out for the coveted yellow jersey were named Cheech and Chong.” . . . And this from Bianchi on Pacman Jones going into the rasslin’ racket: “I’ve got the perfect nickname for him: The Masked Moron.”
Scott Ostler, in the San Francisco Chronicle: “If steroids don’t help you hit a baseball better, or pitch a baseball better, they must be awfully damn tasty, because a lot of guys risked their dignity, health and careers to take ‘em.” . . . And one more from Ostler: “Every time Bonds sits out so he can ‘freshen up’ (manager Bruce Bochy’s phrase), I think of the line from Airplane — ‘Looks like I picked the wrong week to give up amphetamines.’ ” . . . Janice Hough, a Seattle Times reader, had this take on last weekend in baseball: “Giants fans celebrated Bonds’ 755th, Yankees fans celebrated A-Rod’s 500th, Mets fans celebrated Glavine’s 300th and Pirates fans celebrated the start of NFL preseason football.”
Jerry Greene, in the Orlando Sentinel: “Breaking news: The wizards at EA Sports announce Eric Staal will be on the cover of NHL 08. I knew you’d want to know.” . . . One more from Greene: “More breaking news: In a news conference today, EA Sports will tell us who Eric Staal is.” . . . Cam Hutchinson, in the Saskatoon StarPhoenix: “And here we thought The Simpsons Movie was about O.J.’s search for the one-armed man who killed Robert Blake’s wife.” . . . After Italian golfer Alessandro Pissilli tested positive for a diuretic — it can mask steroid use — the other day, Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times noted: “Suspicions were first aroused when Pissilli aced the 13th hole at Augusta — from a tee box at Pebble Beach.” . . . Hutchinson chimed in with: “Why do I doubt Alessandro Pissilli will ever have one of those cutesy nicknames like A-Rod or K-Fed do?”
Posh and Becks have a new perfume, Intimate Beckham, on store shelves. As CBS’s Craig Ferguson put it: “Apparently, it’s a delicate combination of anorexic breath and athlete’s foot.” . . . The U of Miami has decided its football players no longer will have their names on the backs of their jerseys. John Ryan of the San Jose Mercury News explains: “This will promote the team concept, plus police won’t have such an easy time tracking down suspects.” . . . Robyn Norwood of the Los Angeles Times retold a goodie about baseballer Joe Medwick the other day: “The story goes that Medwick, while on a USO tour by a group of players during World War Two, was given an audience with Pope Pius XII. Your Holiness, I’m Joe Medwick. I, too, used to be a Cardinal.”

Gregg Drinnan is sports editor of The Daily News. He is at gdrinnan@kamloopsnews.ca. Keeping Score appears Saturdays.