Keeping Score

From The Daily News of Saturday, Sept. 8, 2007 . . .

In one of the more inane moments of recent times, MLB’s uniform police gave Boston Red Sox manager Terry Francona the once-over during a recent game. After which MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann noted: “Baseball’s greatest record was just broken by a guy with enough illegal drugs in him to send Keith Richards into a coma, and these morons are worried about what the managers are wearing.” . . . Phil Mushnick, in the New York Post, after the WWE suspended 10 of its rasslers: “Yep, just as Capt. Renault was shocked to learn that gambling was going on in Casablanca, and just as MLB and its official cap-maker last week were shocked to learn that the gang-coloured caps (red Yankee caps, for example) they years ago began to make and sell are favoured by gangs, drugs in pro wrestlers must’ve come as quite a shock to Vince McMahon.” . . . Headline at Fark.com: WWE suspends 10 wrestlers for violating the steroids policy it suddenly remembered it had.
If the Hamilton Tiger-Cats really are paying quarterback Casey Printers $500,000 a season, does it mean that the CFL and its teams aren’t as impoverished as they’d like fans to believe? Or are they paying him in Canadian Tire money? . . . Local numbers guru Tom McInulty sends a note pointing out that “you know he still wishes it was KC Printers.” . . . On the subject of quarterbacks, you have to love Peyton Manning of the Indianapolis Colts. Cornerback Jason David left the Colts for the New Orleans Saints after last season. On Thursday, Manning torched David, completing seven passes for 147 yards and three touchdowns against him as the Colts whipped the visiting Saints, 41-10.
Jeff Gordon, in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch: “Are you getting the idea that David Beckham isn’t exactly the Lou Gehrig of soccer?” . . . Jack Todd of the Montreal Gazette weighs in on the, uhh, Super Series: “You have to feel for the Russians. Too many Russian juniors play their hockey on this side of the Atlantic, which means they no longer enjoy the edge in creativity they once had. Now their teams are just Canada Lite, and it ain’t good enough.” . . . The Sports Curmudgeon is no fan of the NFL silly season. He writes at sportscurmudgeon.com: “I’ve tried on many occasions to tell you how meaningless the NFL exhibition season is. Here is one more datum. Thomas Clayton (San Francisco 49ers) was the NFL’s leading rusher in the exhibition season. The 49ers cut him to get down to the 53-man roster.”
Jerry Greene, in the Orlando Sentinel: “Still can’t get over Denver Broncos’ running back Travis Henry. Reportedly he fathered nine children by nine mothers. If he were in the NBA, he’d nearly have a double double.” . . . NBC-TV’s Jay Leno chimed in with: “You know something, this guy may never win a Super Bowl, but he has a great shot at the Breeders’ Cup.” . . . Mike Bianchi of the Orlando Sentinel refers to Henry as “The Weapon of Mass Reproduction.” . . . And here’s open mouth show host Jim Rome: “Father’s Day shouldn’t have more stops than a U2 tour.’’ . . . After Chicago Bears linebacker Lance Briggs wrecked his Lamborghini, Steve Rosenbloom of ChicagoSports.com wrote: “Don’t ask Lovie Smith if there was alcohol involved. The Bears coach grew about as publicly angry as his valium personality can when asked if booze was involved in Briggs’ 3-in-the-freaking-morning car crash. Smith said, ‘People are out those times of the night without getting into any kinds of trouble.’ but he didn’t cite any examples as I waited to hear about quilting bees and Tupperware parties and book clubs debating Faulkner, Joyce and Hemingway that have always been a part of Bears lore.”
The Chicago White Sox, who are having a horrid season, have seven players on their roster earning US$10 million or more per season. Two years ago, when they won the World Series, that total was zero. . . . Bob Elliott, the Toronto Sun baseball writer who knows Canadian baseball better than anyone, reports there are 115 Canadians playing in baseball’s minor leagues. . . . Mike Lupica, in the New York Daily News: “After listening to that answer about geography from Miss South Carolina in that Miss Teen USA contest, I was just thinking one thing: Next stop, Fox News!” . . . Greg Cote, in the Miami Herald: “A Wheaties spokesperson announced the company has no plans to put Barry Bonds on the cover of its cereal boxes. However, it believed Bonds might be featured on the cover of a new cereal: Cheaties.”
Last weekend, during the second stop of the PGA’s Chase for the FedEx Cup, which is really Tiger vs. Phil except that they don’t always show up, NBC analyst Johnny Miller offered: “If you don’t like this, folks, turn on tennis.” Which isn’t a bad idea when the U.S. Open is on and you’ve got analysis by Mary Carillo and/or John McEnroe. . . . In Kelowna, Oldies 1150 has morphed into AM1150 News-Talk-Sports, having dumped its music format in favour of all-talk. For sports fans, the station will carry play-by-play of games involving the Kelowna Rockets, Vancouver Canucks, B.C. Lions and baseball’s Kelowna Falcons. It also is picking up world junior hockey games over the Christmas season, and will carry ESPN Radio from midnight to 6 a.m. . . . Hey, Radio NL, perhaps you could dump that bizarre yakfest you’re carrying at midnight and bring us peasants a little ESPN. And the world junior tournament would be neat, too. And how about some baseball playoffs?
Peter King of Sports Illustrated has stumbled upon someone who was at the game in Atlanta on April 8, 1974, when Hank Aaron hit homer No. 715 to pass Babe Ruth and at the game in San Francisco on Aug. 7 when Barry Bonds hit No. 756 and passed Aaron. Harris Barton, an offensive lineman on some pretty good San Francisco 49ers teams, grew up in Atlanta and was 10 years of age when he saw Aaron pass Ruth. “I sat out in right field that night,” Barton told King. “I remember it well. For Barry’s homer, I was right behind the Giants’ on-deck circle. You think I was the only one at both games?”
A week ago tonight in Buffalo, Sonya (The Black Widow) Thomas won the National Buffalo Wing Festival, downing a record 173 wings in 12 minutes. That, according to organizers, is 5.17 pounds of wings. Thomas, 40, weighs 105 pounds. . . . Then there’s this from George Carlin: “Competitive eating isn’t a sport. It’s one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What’s next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they’re already doing that. It’s called The Howard Stern Show.” . . . During a New York Yankees telecast the other night, a squirrel appeared on top of the right-field foul pole. And that squirrel got more than its share of air time. Finally, analyst Ken Singleton came up with this gem: “We should stop showing the squirrel. It’ll only encourage other squirrels to do the same thing.”

Gregg Drinnan is sports editor of The Daily News. He is at gdrinnan@kamloopsnews.ca. Keeping Score appears Saturdays.