Keeping Score

From The Daily News of Saturday, Feb. 23, 2008. . . .

Pitcher Livan Hernandez, now with the Minnesota Twins, is a Cuban exile who isn’t paying much attention to this talk about the retirement of Cuban president Fidel Castro. “Next week, he’ll say, ‘I’m back,’ ” Hernandez said. “One day they say, ‘Fidel die,’ and everybody celebrating. The next day he comes on TV: ‘Hey, hi!’ That’s why I don’t listen.” . . . Scott Ostler, in the San Francisco Chronicle: “The new Yankee Stadium, under construction, will have corporate meeting rooms and many plush amenities. Says Yankees’ CEO Lonn Trost, ‘We tried to reflect a five-star hotel and put a ballfield in the middle.’ So there will be mints on the bases, and a bellman will assist Alex Rodriguez with his emotional baggage.” . . . In all of the sporting world, is there anything more useless, not to mention more boring, than curling’s Page playoff game between the teams that finish first and second in the round-robin?
Quarterback Nate Montana will be a walk-on at Notre Dame. His father also went to Notre Dame, as do his two older sisters. Yes, his father is Joe Montana. . . . The dancers at Rick’s Cabaret in Manhattan have gotten into the post-Super Bowl spirit and are providing the New York Giants players with complimentary lap dances. “They’ve spent a fortune in here,” one of the girls told the New York Daily News. “It’s the least we can do to show our appreciation.” . . . Headline at Fark.com: “Vancouver Olympics needs 25,000 volunteers: 100 to take tickets and the rest to collect urine samples.” . . . So are we tired of that workopolis.com TV ad looking for Olympic volunteers yet? . . . And are they looking for volunteer volunteers or paid volunteers?
So there was Bob Knight, the retired basketball coach, on The Tonight Show last week, alongside Larry the Cable Guy and Jay Leno. And Knight was wearing a referee’s shirt. “When did you start working at Foot Locker?” the Cable Guy asked. Knight replied: “I was trying to decide what would I like to do, something easy. There are fat guys that referee, there are slow guys that referee, some of them don’t see well, and a lot of them don’t even know what the hell the rules are, so what better job could you have than being a referee?” To which Leno pointed out: “It’s dangerous. You could get hit with a chair.” . . . It was perhaps my favourite day of the year Wednesday as I got to hand over the spoils from your Christmas Cheer Fund. Gay Klietzke of the Kamloops Hospice Association, Michelle Walker of the Y Women’s Emergency Shelter and Tim Larose of the New Life Mission dropped by for a visit and were most appreciative as they left with their cheques. All told, they split $44,724.34, which is what you folks donated during the festive season. In six seasons, you have come through with $198,271.98. Take a bow as you sip your morning coffee.
Cam Hutchinson, of the Saskatoon StarPhoenix: “Valentine’s Day was so difficult for me. Should I get her roses, or chocolate, or an injection of human growth hormone?” . . . Mike Bianchi, in the Orlando Sentinel: “Let’s see now, Brian McNamee injected HGH into everybody around Roger Clemens — his teammates, his best friend (Andy Pettitte), his wife — but we’re supposed to believe Clemens never used the stuff? Puh-leeze. Three biggest lies ever told: (3) No, honey, you don’t look fat in that dress, (2) I swear officer, I’ve only had two beers, (1) Roger Clemens: ‘I have never used steroids or HGH.’ ” . . . One more from Bianchi: “Dick Vitale has encouraged South Carolina to pursue none other than Bob Knight to replace the outgoing Dave Odom as its basketball coach. Good Lord, I know Dickie V. had surgery to remove some polyps in his throat, but did doctors remove his brain, too?”
Dan Daly, in the Washington Times: “So I’m watching the Tournament Formerly Known As The Bing Crosby Pro-Am on the Golf Channel, and I’m thinking: Maybe that’s what the NFL should do to spruce up the Pro Bowl — let celebrities play. Who, after all, wouldn’t tune in to see Shawne Merriman blindside Kenny G?” . . . Former Kamloops Blazers captain Jared Aulin is making enough noise with the U of Calgary Dinosaurs — he has been named to Canada West’s first all-star team — that some NHL teams have been taking a look. The key, however, isn’t that scouts have been watching him, it is that he has heard from player agent Don Meehan. . . . Reid Jorgensen, another former Blazers captain, isn’t doing too badly with the Dinos. He made Canada West’s all-rookie team.
Greg Cote, in the Miami Herald: “The Tampa Bay Lightning has been bought by Los Angeles movie and TV producer Oren Koules. Cannot confirm he plans to turn the team (29th of 30 NHL teams in points) into a sitcom.” . . . If you’re a WHL fan you may recall that Koules, who is at least partially responsible for the Saw line of horror flicks, had something of a scary major junior career that featured stints with the Portland Winter Hawks, Great Falls Americans, Medicine Hat Tigers, Spokane Flyers, Calgary Wranglers and Brandon Wheat Kings. . . . Gotta love it when Bill Maher appears on HBO and comes up with some “new rules,” one of which he said, while viewers saw a Roger Clemens mugshot, was: “You can’t deny you did steroids if your head is wider than it is tall.” . . . And then there’s NBC’s Jay Leno who said, after talking about a survey that revealed 11 per cent of businessmen prefer golf to sex, “The other 89 per cent said they prefer to have sex with a woman whose husband was out playing golf.”
Forward Wally Szczerbiak, then of the Seattle SuperSonics, loves the movie Gladiator and has told the Tacoma News Tribune that a son his wife is expecting will be named Maximus. Tony Augusty of the Detroit News responded with: “That’s Maximus Szczerbiak, as in, ‘Maximus got beatimus upimus at schoolimus againimus becausimus of his stupidus nameimus.’ “ . . . Joe Biddle of The Tennessean wonders: “Why is it you don’t see many athletes arrested before midnight?” . . . Elliott Harris, in the Chicago Sun-Times: “Former Cubs crusher Sammy Sosa and San Francisco slugger Barry Bonds appear to be battling for the same position in spring training. You know: left out.”

Gregg Drinnan is sports editor of The Daily News. He is at gdrinnan@kamloopsnews.ca. Keeping Score appears Saturdays.