Keeping Score

From The Daily News of Saturday, June 26, 2008 . . .

Before the Chicago White Sox and Chicago Cubs met in a series last weekend, the two managers — Ozzie Guillen and Lou Piniella — filmed a series of goofy TV commercials in which they were rapping, riding bikes and walking their dogs. Later, Guillen told the Chicago Sun-Times: "Lou Piniella does two things better than me. Managing and eating. It took them three weeks to find a (body) double for Piniella. For mine, you just go to a model agency." . . . While getting swept by the Cubs at Wrigley Field, the White Sox managed to sound off a time or two. Here's Guillen: "The rats look bigger than a pig out there. You want to take a look? I think the rats out there are lifting weights." And here's catcher A.J. Pierzynski, commenting on Chitown's north side fans: "They're idiots. It's like what Lee Elia said: 'Eighty-five percent of the people work, the other (bleeps) come out here.' "
Tyler Redenbach, who once called Kamloops home, has signed to play the 2008-09 hockey season with Odense of Denmark's Elitserien. He split last season between the AHL's Grand Rapids Griffins and San Antonio Rampage before helping the Arizona Sundogs to the Central league championship. . . . Pete McEntegart of SI.com, after the NBA final: "Boston won the series four games to two. That's nearly as impressive as the refs, who went a perfect 6-0." . . . Keith Sorrell, a 37-year-old who lives in Liverpool, has eaten nothing but Mars Bars for the last 17 years. Seriously. Which resulted in Guy Patrick of the London Sun noting that Sorrell is "living proof that man can live on Mars."
George Carlin, aka The Hippy Dippy Weatherman, who died Sunday, once offered: "Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called The Howard Stern Show." . . . Referring to tennis, Carlin said: "Technically, tennis is an advanced form of ping pong. In fact, tennis is ping pong played while standing on the table. Great concept, not a sport." . . . As for swimming, Carlin said it wasn't a sport either because it is only "a way to keep from drowning."
Here's NBC's Jay Leno: "Mathematicians at Stanford University have calculated the smallest number known to man. It's the Nielsen ratings golf would get without Tiger Woods." . . . Jerry Crowe, in the Los Angeles Times, after you know who had knee surgery: "Encouraging news for Tiger Woods, but when was the last time a doctor said he was displeased with a surgery he had just finished performing?" . . . What if when Tiger comes back he's not the same Tiger? With the torque he puts on that left knee, especially off the tee, it could happen. And then what will the PGA and the networks do? . . . Headline at theonion.com: Man Who Used Stick To Roll Ball Into Hole In Ground Praised For His Courage. . . . Ian Hamilton, in the Regina Leader-Post: "Woods said he'll undergo reconstructive surgery on the anterior cruciate ligament in his knee, which has been bothering him since he was kneecapped by TSN hockey analyst Mike Milbury for suggesting no one watches hockey anymore."
One more from Hamilton: "The Toronto Blue Jays fired manager John Gibbons and replaced him with Cito Gaston, who previously managed the team from 1989 through '97. The Jays wanted to hire former manager Bobby Mattick before remembering he died in 2004." . . . So, you're a minor hockey parent and you pay your hard-earned money to register your children and you are wondering what went on at B.C. Hockey's annual meeting. Well, for your edification you should surf on over to B.C. Hockey's website (bchockey.net) and find the press release titled: Recap of the 2008 Annual General Meeting. Read it and then convince yourself that your hard-earned cash isn't funding a secret society. . . . Dwight Perry, in the Seattle Times: "Looks like Spurs coach Gregg Popovich and his sore-ankled guard have finally compromised over the Olympic Games. So Manu Ginobili still gets to compete for Argentina in Beijing — but only for the diving team."
Bill Dwyre, in the Los Angeles Times: "Interestingly, one of the mandates in the NBA the last few years, to the point where referees were calling trigger-quick technicals in exhibition games, was for players and coaches to stop showing up the officials after calls. No throwing up hands in anguish, no yelling at them, getting in their face, stomping off in disgust. That disappeared in the playoffs, where every foul call triggered Hamlet. If players could play as well as they can act, the basketball would be unbelievable. If the NBA is looking for a new slogan for next season, how about this: Shut Up and Play." . . . Ted Wyman, in the Winnipeg Sun: "Recent reports suggest Roger Clemens and a host of other baseball players have been taking Viagra for years to help with their on-field performance as well as extra-curricular activities. Guess that explains why some people call the game hardball."
Is it just me or is putting Oren Koules and Len Barrie in charge of an NHL team kind of like giving a franchise to Wayne Campbell and Garth Algar? . . . Game On! . . . Greg Cote, in the Miami Herald: "My friends say I'm cheap, and I guess it's true. Put it this way: Yesterday I saw a 'Free Tibet' bumper sticker and followed the car for 40 miles to ask where the line forms." . . . Congratulations to Nick Swaine of Kamloops for being saluted as B.C. Hockey's official of the year during the association's awards banquet in Penticton a week ago. Swaine is a local referee/linesman whose presence on the lines is a welcome sight at WHL games. . . . Congrats, too, to former Kamloops Blazers defenceman Benn Olson. He left here an enforcer and turned himself into a hockey player with the Seattle Thunderbirds, and on Friday he signed his first pro contract, with the AHL's Albany River Rats.
Flip Saunders, fired as head coach of the NBA's Detroit Pistons despite putting up 179 victories over his three seasons and with a year left on his contract, plans to spend the next year golfing and fishing. The Pistons will pay him $5.5 million while he's doing that. . . . A Harvard University study has discovered that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. . . . Meanwhile, according to the American Medical Association, the average American drinks 22 gallons of booze per year. . . . "This means," notes Jack Finarelli over at sportscurmudgeon.com, "on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon. Kind of makes you proud to be an American."

Gregg Drinnan is sports editor of The Daily News. He is at gdrinnan@kamloopsnews.ca. Keeping Score, which usually appears Saturdays, is going on hiatus.