Keeping Score

Dwight Perry, in the Seattle Times: “German farmer Karl Merk, who lost both arms in a combine accident six years ago, underwent the world's first complete double-arm transplant in Munich in late July, and surgeons are optimistic he'll be using his hands within two years. Euphoria in the Mariners' front office was quickly doused, however, when they discovered it's not covered on the team's medical plan.” . . . Tim McCarver, Fox-TV’s talkative lead baseball analyst, thinks something smells in his favourite sport and he spoke about it with the Philadelphia Inquirer: “It’s extraordinary — the dichotomy between what he was in Boston and what he is in Los Angeles. I mean, talk about wearing out your welcome in a town, and it was a long welcome with the Red Sox. But some of the things he did were simply despicable, despicable — like not playing, refusing to play. Forgetting what knee to limp on. And now it’s washed, it’s gone.” . . . Yes, he was referring to Manny being Manny. . . . And here is what Manny had to say after his Dodgers were eliminated: “I just want to go home and spend some time with my family. I want to see who is the highest bidder. Gas is up and so am I.”

Speaking of gas, how is it that the price of oil is sinking like a rock and the price of a litre of gas in Kamloops actually rises? . . . Maybe Manny is right because we know we aren’t being gouged? . . . Mark Kriegel, of FoxSports.com: “Kimbo Slice’s 14 seconds of infamy is the biggest embarrassment for CBS since the network sent LaToya Jackson, Erik Estrada and Wee-Man to Muncie, Ind. to become cops in Armed and Famous.” . . . Greg Cote, in the Miami Herald: “Kimbo Slice's loss in 14 seconds during that EliteXC mixed martial arts card . . . has spawned allegations the outcome may have been predetermined. Gee, there's a shock. That's like shouting ‘Fix!’ at Wrestlemania. (Kimbo should please go away now. His 15 minutes and 14 seconds of fame are up).” . . . Cote, again: “Evander Holyfield, 46 this month, has been offered a WBA fight. Because boxing got jealous of MMA getting all the ridicule and felt it had to do something.” . . . The election? That was a dream, right? How long before we get to do it all over again? And will the next one feature Trudeaumania II?

Bill Simmons, at ESPN.com: “Warm-weather cities don’t need the NHL. Why? Because it’s warm there! Believe me, I live in LA — there’s plenty to do here. But in Winnipeg? You guys can have the Kings. Please. I insist.” . . . Ian Hamilton of the Regina Leader-Post points out that O.J. Simpson’s recent conviction on robbery and kidnapping charges in Las Vegas may be of benefit. “After all,” Hamilton writes, “the guy vowed 13 years ago to keep searching for ‘the real killers’ and now they could be in
front of him in the chow line.” . . . One more from Hamilton: “The University of Wisconsin marching band has been dis-band-ed amid reports of sexual misconduct and hazing incidents. School officials said they had seen too much sax and violence.”

Mike Bianchi of the Orlando Sentinel had a perplexing week. First, there was this: “Pacman Jones gets into a fight with his own bodyguard in the men’s room, and Cowboys owner Jerry Jones comes out and says the two were just ‘jivin’’ around. To me, the most disturbing part of this story isn’t Pacman getting into trouble again; it’s Jerry Jones actually using the word ‘jivin’’. What next, Jerry? Are you going to tell us everything’s ‘groovy’ and ‘funkadelic’ between Pacman and his bodyguard? Or maybe you should explain how you’re not going to get ‘bummed out’ by this ‘gnarly’ situation, and the best thing for Pacman and the bodyguard to do is just give each other ‘some skin’ and ‘keep on truckin’’.” . . . Later, there was this from Bianchi: “I still can’t believe we’ve allowed a bunch of namby-pamby, politically correct goofballs to change the name of (the) Texas-Oklahoma ‘Red River Shootout’ to the now-officially titled ‘Red River Rivalry.’ These annoying thought police have gotten so out of hand that pretty soon they’ll rewrite the history books and start calling it ‘The Misunderstanding at the O.K. Corral.’ ”

Mike Lupica, in the New York Daily News: “Mike Scioscia is one of the best guys in baseball and usually one of the best managers, but trying for that suicide squeeze in the ninth inning against the Red Sox the other night was such a dumb idea you couldn't believe the city council didn't come up with it.” . . . Just when you thought Bill O’Donovan’s Chicago Blackhawks might be getting it, they fire their head coach four games into the season and the morning after their first victory. Sheesh, if you’re going to fire a guy after four games, why not do it three months ago? . . . Dale Tallon is the Blackhawks’ GM and that guy looking over his shoulder? That would be Scotty Bowman. . . . A tip of the cap to the Kamloops Minor Hockey Association for naming its pee wee AAA tournament the Darcy Robinson Memorial. That tourney opened yesterday and runs through the weekend at Memorial Arena. . . . You may have heard that Jose Canseco was nailed at the U.S.-Mexico border the other day. It seems he was carrying a banned fertility drug at the time. As Elliott Harris of the Chicago Sun-Times noted: "Civilized society can only hope the drugs were not for his personal use."

Scott Ostler, in the San Francisco Chronicle: “Plaxico Burress is suspended one game and docked $117,500 because he skipped a practice and didn’t phone in. Plax explained he had been dealing with family issues, including dropping his son off at school. It would have saved the family a chunk of cash had the lad followed his role model and simply played hooky.” . . . In case you didn’t get it, this joke has been making the e-mail rounds. . . . Question for Health Canada: “The Stanley Cup was recently on tour in my town, and I kissed it. Do I have to worry about being infected by listeria?” Answer from Health Canada: “You are safe. The Stanley Cup has not been in contact with any Maple Leaf product in over 40 years.”

Gregg Drinnan is sports editor of The Daily News. He is at gdrinnan@kamloopsnews.ca. Keeping Score appears Saturdays.