Keeping Score

Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle, with his take on the turf war between the New York Yankees and Toronto Blue Jays: “Alex Rodriguez yells ‘Hah’ at Toronto third baseman Howie Clark, who, distracted, misses a routine pop. In retaliation, Toronto’s Josh Towers drills A-Rod in the knee with a fastball. That’s baseball, folks, one notch below the Flintstones on the evolutionary scale, one notch below the Mafia on the retaliatory scale.” . . . Comedian Argus Hamilton notes: “President Bush called Barry Bonds to salute him on breaking Hank Aaron’s record. There was more. President Bush wants to know how he can get Hank Aaron to make a videotaped message saying the liberation of Iraq is a tremendous achievement.” . . . Trivia time: Name the three major league sluggers who hit 50 home runs one season and fewer than 30 the next? And which slugger is going to do it this season?
Dwight Perry, in the Seattle Times: “Super-sized slugger Barry Bonds is reportedly donating the batting helmet he wore when he hit his tie-breaking home run to the Baseball Hall of Fame. And if they can’t squeeze the helmet though the front door, museum curators say, they’ll just convert it into a covered parking stall.” . . . The Kamloops Storm, a junior B team that plays in the Kootenay International Junior Hockey League, is about to fill the coaching vacancy created when Bryant Perrier joined the BCHL’s Alberni Valley Bulldogs as an assistant coach. Don’t be surprised if the new coach is Ed Patterson, who apparently has decided to end a pro career that began in 1992. Patterson, a 34-year-old Calgarian, played 179 WHL games with the Seattle Thunderbirds, Swift Current Broncos and Kamloops Blazers. . . . Smokey the Bear, everyone’s second-favourite bear (behind Yogi, of course), turned 63 this month. “I never trusted Smokey the Bear,” CBS’s Craig Ferguson says. “Kids, if you see a bear wearing a ranger’s hat, it’s because the bear ate the ranger.”
Former major leaguer Jack Morris couldn’t be here for Hot Nite in the City but you should know that he owns a rebuilt 1969 Mustang with 630 horses under the hood. . . . Sunderland of England’s Premier League is located 275 miles south of London and, according to manager Roy Keane, is having problems attracting players. “They don’t want to come to Sunderland because their wife wants to go shopping in London,” Keane told the London Daily Mail. “Unfortunately that is what is influencing a lot of footballers’ decisions. Priorities have changed for footballers and they are being dictated to by their wives and girlfriends. I could name three or four big players now and clearly their wives and girlfriends are running their lives because they are doing these photo shoots and all that kind of stuff.” . . . And you thought Edmonton was the only city in the world with that problem. . . . It was somehow rather fitting that a train started grinding through downtown just as The Peter Soberlak Band began playing a tune about Billy Miner a week ago tonight at Music in the Park. Judging from the tunes the band played, their new album, which is due next month, should be a treat.
Tight end Jeremy Shockey of the New York Giants has a purple hand after someone — presumably a teammate — rigged his gloves with the ink that banks use to mark money. Someone will pay, Shockey said. “Dead man walking,” he told the New York Post. . . . Trivia answers: Hack Wilson (56 in 1930, 13 in 1931); Brady Anderson (50 in 1996, 18 in 1997) and Luis Gonzalez (57 in 2001, 28 in 2002). David Ortiz is going to do it this season; he hit 54 last year and may not get to 30 this season. . . . Former quarterback Babe Laufenberg, who is a huge Joe Namath fan, now is on the radio crew with the NFL’s Dallas Cowboys. The Dallas Morning News asked Laufenberg if his wife gave him a hard time over naming their first-born son Joe Willie. “Not hard at all,” Laufenberg said. “It was actually a prenuptial agreement. No Joe Willie, no marriage.” And what about son No. 2? “I wanted to name the second one Johnny U,” Laufenberg said. “She put her foot down. He is Luke.”
In case you missed it, Manchester United has signed Rhain Davis, a nine-year-old soccer player. Noted Reggie Hayes of the Fort Wayne News-Sentinel: “Team officials are now searching for a preteen Spice Girl to accompany him to after-school day care.” . . . Dan Wetzel of Yahoo! Sports did a column on Barry Bonds last week and followed it up by sharing some of the more than 1,000 responses he received. Those included this from someone who signed off as Simon Aninze, Nigeria in Africa: “I hail your courage when every other writer I’ve read is being diplomatic about Bonds et al. But with all due respect to honest Americans I believe the entire American society is built on cheating. Sorry, but it’s the truth.” . . . To which Wetzel responded: “You are correct, Nigeria is a far more honest place. By the way, you have a distant relative who once lived in America. He left you some money. Send me your bank account number and I’ll wire the money in.”
Fredi Gonzalez, manager of the Florida Marlins, ended up with a bloody nose after walking into a glass partition at a Starbucks in the New York Hilton lobby, something he pointed out never would have happened in the minor leagues. As he told the South Florida Sun-Sentinel: “The hotels we stayed at with Richmond, the glass wasn’t that clean.” . . . It was TNT reporter Jim Huber who, prior to the third round of last weekend’s PGA Championship, asked John Daly what was in his golf bag. Daly’s reply: “There are four Diet Cokes, 12 packs of cigarettes, there are flints and lighter fuel, then we worry about the golf balls and other stuff.” . . . Must have been a fun time on the train that was carrying German soccer fans from Bayer Leverkusen to Hamburg. It ended up making an unscheduled 25-minute stop . . . to get a broken beer tap repaired. . . . Pacman Jones really cleared up things with an appearance on ESPN the other day. “I haven’t been arrested six times,’’ he said. “I’ve only been arrested twice.’’ . . . From the gang over at deadspin.com, on the Pittsburgh Steelers’ mascot: “Many have pointed out the mascot looks vaguely like former Steelers coach Bill Cowher . . . but go ahead and call Cowher ‘Steely McBeam,’ we dare you.”

Gregg Drinnan is sports editor of The Daily News. He is at gdrinnan@kamloopsnews.ca. Keeping Score appears Saturdays.