Keeping Score

From The Daily News of Saturday, Sept. 15, 2007 . . .

Before Dallas Stars centre Mike Modano married Willa Ford late last month, Blazers Legend Daryl Reaugh, who works on the NHL team’s broadcast crew, had some words of advice for bride and groom: “Mike, if right now you believe in marriage being a 50/50 proposition then, man, you don’t know the first thing about women, or fractions. . . . Willa, a piece of advice that has worked wonders for others — from now on when introducing Mike to people refer to him as your ‘first husband.’ (Apparently that really keeps them on their toes.)” . . . Iain MacIntyre of the Vancouver Sun, after the Stupor Series wound up last weekend: “Team Canada finished the event 7-0-1 and outscored the Russians 39-13. One small step for Canadian hockey. One giant step back for mankind.” . . . Dan Daly, in the Washington Times: “It’s only a matter of time before this HGH/steroids scandal spreads to school mascots. I mean, just look at the size of the Michigan State Spartan’s head.”
Soccer star Thierry Henry of Arsenal and his wife, Claire Merry, were divorced last week in London’s High Court. As Ian Hamilton of the Regina Leader-Post put it: “It was a ‘quickie’ divorce, meaning it took less than a minute for Merry to corner-kick Henry to the curb.” . . . Greg Cote, in the Miami Herald: “The top-ranked U.S. women’s soccer team opens play next week in the World Cup in China, but complains how attention for the team is just a fraction of what it was in 1999 with Mia Hamm and Brandi Chastain. I can solve that. But they rejected my suggestion of a roster spot for Victoria Beckham.” . . . One more from Cote: “Disgraced Olympic champion sprinter Justin Gatlin, banned for steroids, has been hired as a volunteer coach by his former high school in Pensacola. The school is run by a principal, but evidently not by a principle.”
Oklahoma wide receiver Ryan Broyles is under suspension after allegedly trying to use a key to get gasoline from a convenience store after hours. As Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times noted: “Good thing he’s not a quarterback, legal pundits say, or he’d be claiming it was just a pump-fake.” . . . Upon hearing that four men face indecent-exposure charges after streaking during a CFL game in Calgary, Perry noted: “Or, as they’ve already been dubbed in local football lore, The Four Arsemen.”
Happy birthday to the bowling shirt, which recently turned 86. “Prior to this,’’ offered Jay Leno, “people in Kelowna had nothing to wear to weddings.’’ . . . Actually, he said Cleveland. . . . Shaquille O’Neal has filed for divorce from his wife, Shaunie, and reports say that one of the reasons is a conflict of some sort involving money. As Leno said: “He thinks she took some of his money. Wait till the divorce goes through.” . . . Chris Dufresne, in the Los Angeles Times: “What a nice season quarterback Colt Brennan had for Hawaii. He completed 76 per cent of his passes for 964 yards with 10 touchdowns and only one interception. What, that’s only after two games?” . . . Syndicated columnist Norman Chad weighs in on Brennan: “He’s completed 77 of 101 passes this season. Brennan’s more accurate than Doppler radar.” . . . In case you were wondering, and even if you weren’t, The Daily News Christmas Cheer Fund is two months from launching for a sixth festive season. So start rolling that loose change for us.
Former Blazers banger Cam Cunning is working to crack the Calgary Flames’ roster after having a terrific summer camp. “I really liked him in the development camp,” head coach Mike Keenan told the Calgary Sun early this week. “I’m liking what I see to this point. I liked him in development camp in the competitive situation, and he’s paying attention out here. He’s attentive. He wants to improve — you can see it in his focus.” . . . Cunning duked it out with former Vancouver Giants banger J.D. Watt earlier this week. . . . The Notre Dame football team has yet to find the other teams’ end zone and the season is two games old. “Word is,” writes the Orlando Sentinel’s Mike Bianchi, “Touchdown Jesus is considering changing his name to Three-and-Out Jesus.” . . . “It’s fascinating to read what fans say,” offers ESPN’s Scott Van Pelt, referring to anonymity on the Internet. “The Internet gives all these people a voice. What’s the old saying, freedom of speech just makes it easier to identify the idiots? That’s never been more true than in an Internet chat room.”
What was billed as a “Kamloops Blazers 1983/84 Memorial Cup Champs Puck” could have been had on eBay this week for US$24.99. Uhh, not only did the Blazers not win the Memorial Cup that season, but that was back in the day when the local puck-chasers were known as the Junior Oilers. . . . After the Chicago White Sox extended the contract of manager Ozzie Guillen through 2012, Jay Mariotti of the Chicago Sun-Times wrote: “Well, it was nice knowing the Chicago White Sox, who officially have become an irrelevant laughingstock after turning a one-hit wonder into a long-term blunder. They’ve handed a five-year contract to their clown act of a manager, Ozzie Guillen, even though he presides over what is dollar-for-dollar and loss-for-loss the most underachieving, unwatchable team in Major League Baseball history.”
Jerry Crowe of the Los Angeles Times points out that “Mike McGee, an agent (who is engaged) to Annika Sorenstam, is not to be confused with the former Lakers guard whose inability to fully grasp the offence tried the patience of then-coach Pat Riley.” Crowe went on to relate this gem: “After one particularly frustrating practice, an exasperated Riley loudly announced in front of the whole team, ‘You know, I keep calling, ‘Mike McGee, Mike McGee,’ but there’s never anybody home,’ to which a clueless McGee reportedly replied, ‘I’m usually home, Coach. What time you been calling?’ ” . . . You may have heard that former New York Giants running back Tiki Barber and some of his ex-teammates have been engaged in a war of words. As David Thomas of the Fort Worth Star-Telegram put it: “There are, you surely know by now, two I’s in Tiki.” . . . “Good move,” wrote Reggie Hayes of the Fort Wayne News-Sentinel after Dallas Cowboys quarterback coach Wade Wilson drew a five-game suspension for violating the NFL’s policy on performance-enhancing substances. “If there’s one thing we can’t have in sports, it’s a coach explaining how to exploit the Cover 2 defence while hitting 70 home runs in the same season.”