We’re back. . . . And we’re thrilled that you’re still here. . . . Let’s start 2008 off with Greg Cote, in the Miami Herald: “How was your Christmas? My favourite present? Here’s a hint: Sleek, white paint job, and goes from zero to 190 unbelievably fast. Thanks again for the new bathroom scale, honey!” . . . Jack Todd gets it right in the Montreal Gazette, after Team Canada lost to Sweden: “Perhaps now that Team Canada has actually lost a game at the world juniors, TSN will tune down its obscenely over-the-top coverage. The network is absolutely shameless about bilking these kids for every dollar they're worth — but unleashing the Gord Miller-Pierre McGuire crew on them is cruel and unusual punishment. Listening to Miller and McGuire is like being subjected to a pair of cocker spaniels on greenies. By the time they're through barking, you need to go back and listen to a couple of hours of Danny Gallivan and Dick Irvin showing how it's done, just to stitch your nervous system back together.”
Late last year, two members of the AHL’s Chicago Wolves — Nathan Oystrick and Jordan LaVallee — played in a game and then stayed in their gear for 27 hours as part of a fund-raising promotion. As Ian Hamilton of the Regina Leader-Post noted, “Each received two minutes for high-stinking.” . . . You will recall that Boston Red Sox starter Curt Schilling has suggested that Roger Clemens should give back four of his seven Cy Young Awards if he isn’t able to refute rumours about steroid use. Noted Pete McEntegart of SI.com: “Schilling added he’d be happy to take one off (Clemens') hands to add to his total of zero.” . . . So isn’t it time to change Boxing Day’s name to Shopping Day? . . . .The Minnesota Ripknees are an American Basketball Association franchise. When someone from the St. Paul Pioneer Press asked owner Jack Jurewicz how much the franchise lost last season, he replied: “More than I had.”
So . . . who has fired more people in the last while, the Kamloops Blazers’ new owners or the Miami Dolphins? . . . Ian Mulgrew of the Vancouver Sun reports that lawyers for Tom Gaglardi, the majority owner of the Blazers, have been told they can expect a decision after Jan. 7 — which is Monday — in the lawsuit over ownership of the Vancouver Canucks. Gaglardi and his partner, Ryan Beedie, have sued for ownership of the NHL club and GM Place. The case was heard before B.C. Supreme Court Justice Catherine Wedge. . . . No matter which way she rules, you know an appeal will be filed. . . . You may have heard that Russian billionaire Alex Medvedev is talking about starting up a league in Europe that would compete with the NHL for players. In fact, according to Cam Hutchinson of the Saskatoon StarPhoenix, “To show it means business, the fledgling league is apparently negotiating player contracts with Bobby Hull, Bernie Parent and Derek Sanderson.”
Bill Dwyre, in the Los Angeles Times: “In America, it isn't cheating unless you get caught. And even if you are caught, you spin and rationalize and, as a last resort, apologize insincerely. Then, even if you are caught, you are enabled by officials who put winning and making money above integrity.” . . . The way David Thomas of the Fort Worth Star-Telegram has it figured, it’s about time baseball added a statistic to the gazillion it already has. This one would be: “MIMR: Mentions in the Mitchell Report." As in, Thomas writes, “Eric Gagne signed a one-year, $10-million contract with Milwaukee. In 2007, Gagne was 4-2, with 16 saves, a 3.81 ERA and 21 MIMR." . . . Headline at SportsPickle.com: Bored Bill Belichick devises game plan to beat the New England Patriots.
And then there’s George O’Grady, who heads up golf’s European Tour. He says the PGA Tour only needs to subject one player — Tiger Woods — to drug testing. As O’Grady told The Associated Press, "If he's clean, what does it matter what the rest of them are on?" . . . Jamaal Tinsley of the Indiana Pacers has been involved in three recent shooting incidents and now says he plans on hiring some protection. As Reggie Hayes of the Fort Wayne, Ind., News-Sentinel put it: "In other words, the key players in the Pacers' lineup will be point guard, shooting guard and security guard." . . . Syndicated columnist Norman Chad has this take on baseball’s steroid mess: “The Daily Racing Form simply lists which horses are on Lasix. Similarly, baseball scorecards could indicate which players are on Winstrol. If it's good enough for Seattle Slew, it should be good enough for Scott Schoeneweis.”
After a whack of Florida State football players were suspended for cheating on an Internet exam involving their Music History course, The Sports Curmudgeon summed it all up: “We had a course like that where I went to school; we called it Tunes For Goons and if you were smart enough to find your ass with either hand, you didn’t need to cheat to get an ‘A’ in that puppy.” . . . Are you ready for this? Charles Barkley, TNT’s NBA analyst, has said he will walk from the network’s studio in Atlanta to his home in Phoenix if the Boston Celtics win 72 games. “In a Speedo,” he says. . . . The Celtics already have won 27 games. . . . Yes, that Charles Barkley. . . . Scott Ostler, in the San Francisco Chronicle: “Roger Clemens will submit to an intense grilling . . . at the hands of Mike Wallace on 60 Minutes. For my money, nothing says ‘Getting to the essence of truth’ like a soft-focus stroll in the forest with Mike Wallace . . . Closing the show that night on 60 Minutes: Andy Rooney denies he has ever used Rogaine on his eyebrows.” . . . “I’m feeling great,” fitness geek Jack LaLanne told the New York Daily News after turning 93, “and I have sex almost every day. Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday . . . "
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