Keeping Score

Here’s Shaq, the funniest man in sports, to Ken Berger of CBSSports.com,
talking about Dwight Howard of the Orlando Magic: “He's a good player, but
everything he's done, I've invented. So I'm not impressed. . . . He's a good
player, a fabulous player. But for me to get my eyes wide open about another
big man, he'll have to do something that I haven't seen before or something
that I haven't invented.” . . . Greg Cote, in the Miami Herald: “Kobe Bryant
is now charging $49.99 for premium content on his website. Which is
understandable. Times are tough. You try getting by on only $30 million a
year!” . . . If you watched the Super Bowl did you get the feeling that CTV
had dumped every 2010 Winter Olympics-related commercial into the rotation during
the game? . . . You do realize that we're going to be watching those
spots for another year, don't you? . . . You do believe, don’t you?

After Olympic sensation Michael Phelps apologized for a photo of him sucking on a pot
pipe that appeared in print, there was talk of sponsors perhaps being upset. As
comedy writer Jerry Perisho noted: “While this revelation will hurt some of
his product endorsement deals, Zig Zag Rolling Papers has said, 'Dude,
what's up? Let's talk!' “ . . . Of course, Phelps was charged with DUI four years ago. A few months ago, he was said to be keeping company with a stripper. As Reggie Hayes of the Fort Wayne News-Sentinel put it: “He’s making so many questionable moves, the Cincinnati Bengals are hesitant to hang out with him.” . . . Here’s NBC-TV’s Conan O’Brien: “A tabloid published a picture of Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps at a party taking a huge hit from a bong. I think there’s an important lesson to be learned here: Kids, never share your pot with someone who has the lung capacity of a dolphin.” . . . And then, in case you missed the point, there was this from ABC-TV’s Jimmy Kimmel: “If you had a party, it seems to me the last person you want to hit the bong is Michael Phelps, with the lung capacity of a humpback whale.” . . . Jeff Schultz, in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution: “Just wondering: Is the water in Michael Phelps’ bong chlorinated?”

Headline at theonion.com: Tom Coughlin retires from family to spend more time with team. . . . Anquan Boldin, one of the Arizona Cardinals' fine wide receivers, took a helmet-to-helmet hit on Sept. 28 and now has seven plates and 40 screws in his face. “That's not a face,” Rick Morrissey of the Chicago Tribune noted, ”that's Aisle 13 at Home Depot.” . . . So it turns out that Faith Hill and Jennifer Hudson did the Milli Vanilli thing at the Super Bowl. The guy who suggested to Bruce Springsteen that he do the same thing hasn't been heard from for two weeks.

Mike Lupica, in the New York Daily News: “One of the reasons the Yankees say
they're worried about people writing mean future books about them is that
they don't want anybody stealing their business 'model.' What, you think
people need to read books on how to spend money?” . . . One more from
Lupica: “There's nothing better to spark a good debate about books than
hearing the literary criticism of Prof. David Wells. If you asked Wells
about Harry Potter, he'd want to know which team the guy played for.” . . .
. Bud Selig, the commissioner of Major League Baseball, earned how much in
2007? The answer is US$18.35 million. You can figure out what he did to
earn it.

Jeff Schultz, in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution: "Manny Ramirez has now
turned down a two-year, $45 million contract and a one-year, $25 million
offer from the Dodgers. Question: Are Ramirez and Scott Boras hitting off
the same bong as Michael Phelps?" . . . Yes, it was a terrific Super Bowl. Yes, it ranks among the best ever. But, sheesh, what about all those Arizona penalties? . . . Yes, the conspiracy theorists are having a ball with that one. . . . Jason Whitlock, at FoxSports.com: “Terry McAulay should be headed to Disney World this morning. He should be the toast of Pittsburgh, a guest on PTI and Jim Rome's Jungle and driving whatever luxury vehicle that is awarded to the Super Bowl's MVP. McAulay outshined Santonio Holmes, James Harrison, Big Ben Roethlisberger, Larry Fitzgerald and Kurt Warner.” . . . Terry McAulay, if you’re wondering, was the referee. It is to be hoped that his officiating crew has had better days.

Gary Loewen, in the Toronto Sun: “I hadn't realized that my summer-picnic
tablecloth had gone missing until I saw Don Cherry's jacket on Coach's
Corner on Saturday night.” . . . One more from Loewen: “Coming soon to a movie theatre near you --Derek Boogaard: Maul Cop.” . . . Someone at The Globe and Mail had the audacity to criticize the Ottawa Senators, to which owner Eugene Melnyk
responded: "Anybody that says we should blow up this organization should get
their own bomb and go blow themselves up, OK?" . . . About a week later – surprise! -- someone began blowing up the Senators.

Gregg Drinnan is sports editor of The Daily News. He is at
gdrinnan@kamloopsnews.ca and gdrinnan.blogspot.com. Keeping Score appears
Saturdays.