Keeping Score

Cam Hutchinson, in the Saskatoon StarPhoenix: “With celebrities such as Kim Kardashian and Jessica Simpson showing their faces publicly without makeup, I’m thinking Darren Dutchyshen and the guys on the TSN hockey panel should follow suit.” . . . Headline at SportsPickle.com: New Roland Garros janitor apologizes for sweeping up all the dirt. . . . After watching Kobe and the L.A. Lakers take apart the host Phoenix Suns a week ago, you have to wonder if Steve Nash will ever get to an NBA final. He’s 36, and the way he plays the game his body takes a horrible beating, and you have to wonder how many seasons the point guard from Victoria has left in him. . . .

Greg Cote, in the Miami Herald, after watching Venus Williams in action at the French Open: “Venus is wearing what looks like a naughty French maid’s outfit you would see in a film starring Ron Jeremy. Or a negligee that I would buy my wife and she would say, ‘Not in a million years.’ ” . . . Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg also saw Venus in her outfit. “It’s so revealing,” he noted, “you can see all of Venus’s moons.” . . . One more from Cote, who obviously is a big tennis fan: “Rafael Nadal is wearing a $525,000 watch during the French Open. If I spend that much for a watch, it had better tell me not only the time, but also the secret location of at least $520,000 in buried treasure.” . . .

Here’s one from David Whitley, over at FanHouse: “After five years on the Indy circuit, (Danica) Patrick has one more win than Stevie Wonder. She’s 1 for 137, a batting average of .0073. When you consider she has more appearances in Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit issue, two words come to mind. Fraud and floozie.” . . . Mike Lupica, in the New York Daily News: “The whole Sex and the City deal has gotten more tired than Tiger Woods used to get.” . . . Here’s Lupica, again: “Danica Patrick — she’s like the Kate Gosselin of race-car drivers, right? Until and unless she actually does win a race such as Indy, I’m just going to assume that she’s on HER way to Dancing with the Stars.” . . . Sheesh, a rocket-launcher in Kamloops! There goes another neighbourhood. . . .

Is there anything filling quicker these days than the Toronto Blue Jays’ bandwagon? . . . Ian Hamilton, in the Regina Leader-Post: “According to media reports, Tiger Woods has been advised not to see any women until his expected divorce from Elin is final. Just wondering: Why wasn’t he advised to do that when they got married? Geez, talk about closing the bedroom door after the Tiger has bolted.” . . . And one more from Hamilton: “Corey Pavin, who is to captain the U.S. team in the 2010 Ryder Cup, told reporters this week that Woods is not an ‘automatic pick’ to play on the team. He is, however, a lock to be the team’s social convener.” . . .

The biggest shock of this year’s Indy 500? According to Brad Dickson of the Omaha World-Herald, it was that “the pole position was won by Floyd Landis on a bicycle.” . . . In case you missed it, the Toronto Raptors have added P.J. Carlesimo to their coaching staff. The Raptors now have one head coach and six assistants. Won’t be long and they’ll have a coach for every player on the roster. . . . A tip of the hat to Kevin Carswell, Jack Buckham and anyone else who is hooked up with the Team 73 Foundation. Here’s hoping that the foundation meets with great success in its attempt to raise funds that will keep all kinds of extra-curricular activities alive in our schools. . . .

Phil Mushnick, in the New York Post: “Should the NBA Finals run seven games, they’ll end on June 17 — so as not to interfere with the start of the 2010-11 season. If they run seven, five will tip sometime after 9 p.m. — so as to give people a chance to wake up in time to see the end.” . . . Mushnick, of course, is writing in the Eastern time zone, where the NBA games will end sometime after midnight. . . . Armando Galarraga of the Detroit Tigers threw a perfect game on Wednesday night. You know it. I know it. Umpire Jim Joyce, who blew the call on the 27th out, knows it. So why doesn’t MLB commissioner Bud Selig, in the best interests of baseball, rewind the clock, make the right call and give Galarraga his line in the record book? . . . Because baseball doesn’t realize that this is 2010 and that Babe Ruth no longer is in the Yankees’ outfield. . . .

Scott Ostler, in the San Francisco Chronicle: “Barry Bonds’ defenders always could say, ‘Even without steroids, Bonds was a great player.’ You can’t do that in cycling. Because without PEDs, Floyd Landis would have been a great bicycle . . . messenger.” . . . Tiger Woods is back with the PGA Tour at The Memorial this weekend and he’s there without having replaced swing coach Hank Haney. There are rumours, however, that Charlie Sheen wants the job. . . . The B.C. Lions show up in Kamloops with the coaching staff looking for hot, dry weather. And they get cool and wet. . . . You can bet the veteran players are hoping cool and wet holds up during two-a-days. . . .

In another smooth NHL move, Game 5 of the Stanley Cup final will be played Sunday night, putting it up against Game 2 of the NBA final. . . . Seeing as NHL commish Gary Bettman is a basketball guy, you might think he would know better. . . . While watching the Yankees beat the hapless Baltimore Orioles earlier this week, play-by-play man Michael Kay pointed out that Yankees left-hander CC Sabathia’s changeup is five miles per hour faster than Philadelphia Phillies southpaw Jamie Moyer’s fastball. Think about that for a moment. . . . After Chicago Blackhawks forward Ben Eager yapped at him following Game 2 of the Stanley Cup final, Philly Flyers defenceman Chris Pronger was asked what was said. “I couldn’t hear him,” Pronger replied. “I don’t speak gibberish.” . . . Dwight Perry, in the Seattle Times: “Scientists aren’t the only ones speechless over the news that Jupiter is suddenly missing one of its humongous rings. ‘No comment,’ said Kobe Bryant.”

Gregg Drinnan is sports editor of The Daily News. Email him at gdrinnan@kamloopsnews.ca, or visit his blog at gdrinnan.blogspot.com. Keeping Score appears Saturdays.