A-Rod as The Needler? . . . Javelin takes out tooth . . . Time to take up painting?

“Tom Brady’s agent said the Deflategate report has ‘significant and tragic flaws’,” writes Brad Dickson of the Omaha World-Herald. “Can we perhaps save the word ‘tragic’ for things more important than some guy letting the air out of a ball?” . . . Dickson adds: “The Patriots are claiming that text messages using the term ‘deflator’ are a reference to an equipment manager's weight loss. Everyone on the planet who believes this will be meeting on Saturday in the Patriots' training whirlpool.” . . . That equipment manager apparently goes by the nickname The Deflator. “They said it's because he's trying to lose weight,” Vancouver comic Torben Rolfsen says. “Remember when A-Rod was always having fun making jokes at his teammates' expense? That's why he was called The Needler.” . . .

Here’s ABC-TV’s Jimmy Kimmel: “I hope Deflategate is a good lesson for kids. If you cheat and don’t play fair, you will be the MVP of the Super Bowl and marry one of the most beautiful women on earth. Remember that.” . . . Here’s NBC-TV’s Jimmy Fallon, after noting that the Deflategate report said it was ‘more probable than not’ that Brady knew game balls were being tampered with: “Did they do this investigation with a Magic 8 Ball? ‘Try again later?’ ‘Reply hazy?’ ” . . . After hearing about Brady having been suspended, TNT’s Conan O’Brien offered: “They’re going to punish him by making him stay home in his mansion with his supermodel wife and think about what he did wrong.” . . .

The NHL opened its conference finals with games on Saturday at 10 a.m., Pacific, and Sunday, at noon. Hey, Gary, it’s a long weekend up here and the weather is glorious. I’m sorry but there were a million better things to do than watch your referees swallow their whistles for a couple of more games. . . . Bryan Clay, a former U.S. Olympic decathlete, used his javelin to help his daughter, Ellie, get rid of a loose baby tooth the other day. Yes, he did it exactly the way in which you are thinking. . . . “Here’s hoping Ellie doesn’t let her dad pierce her ears,” writes Ian Hamilton of the Regina Leader-Post. . . . Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg added: “Let’s hope she never gets tonsillitis.” . . .

Women of Algiers, a Picasso painting that was done in the early 1950s, has sold at auction for US$179.3 million. Take away the 12 per cent commission and the price is $160 million. . . . Be careful that you don’t get trampled in the painting section at Michael’s by soon-to-be painters. . . . Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times, comparing the price of that painting to the salary of the Seattle Mariners’ ace, wrote: “Felix Hernandez, by comparison, gets roughly only $750,000 per masterpiece — but then again, he just paints the corners.” . . . “Kris Bryant, Chicago’s highly touted rookie, hit his first career home run the other day and his Cubs teammates responded by emptying the dugout,” writes Bill Littlejohn, our South Lake Tahoe, Calif., correspondent. “It’s one of the few empty dugouts this season that didn't involve the Kansas City Royals.” . . . “The baseball record books are wrong,” Littlejohn claims. “Before Corey Kluber, the last to record 18 strikeouts did it on match.com.” . . .

After Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn split up, Steve Schrader of the Detroit Press noted: “Hey, it worked for Rory.” . . . RJ Currie at SportsDeke.com: “According to the Daily Mail, Lindsay Vonn split with Tiger Woods because he cheated on her. Talk about a guy wasting a mulligan.” . . . If Woods really was out and about again, the afore-mentioned Hamilton noted, “it proves once again that a Tiger can’t change its stripes.” . . . One more from Currie: “Prince William and Kate, the Duchess of Cambridge, named their new baby girl Charlotte Elizabeth Diana. NHL translation — Charsy.” . . .

Jack Finarelli, aka the Sports Curmudgeon, checks in with this: “Just in case you were worried that hyperbole might be on the wane, CBS announced that Super Bowl 50 — to be televised on CBS in February, of course – will be ‘the most historic broadcast event of all time.’ Really? Have the suits at CBS forgotten already about Katie Couric’s colonoscopy and that time Judge Judy had to interrupt and scold one or both of the ‘litigants’ in her ‘court,’ and/or the final episode of My Mother the Car?” . . .

“San Francisco has banned chewing tobacco in sports venues starting Jan. 1, 2016,” reports Janice Hough, aka The Left Coast Sports Babe. “John Shea in the San Francisco Chronicle quotes one anonymous Giants player as asking: ‘But you can smoke weed?’ ” . . . Here’s Hough, again: “Reports say that New Jersey governor Chris Christie spent $82,000 at Jets/Giants games at MetLife Stadium between 2010 and 2011. Well, to be fair, at NFL prices that’s probably only a few dozen beers.” . . . With a playoff game on the line the other night, David Blatt, the head coach of the Cleveland Cavaliers, drew up a play that had LeBron James making the in-bound pass. “The play that was drawn up, I scratched,” James said after making a buzzer-beater. “I just told coach, just give me the ball.” . . . According to Hough, Marshall Lynch said: “Damn, you can DO that!?” . . .

Headline at SportsPickle.com: Yankees honor A-Rod’s HR achievement with new car that has the brake lines cut. . . . Headline at TheOnion.com: Raiders considering taking chance on prospect with zero off-field incidents. . . . Another headline from TheOnion.com: Jimmy Garoppolo informs locker-room attendants how he likes footballs. . . . Jimmy Garoppolo? He’s the man for the Patriots if Brady is under suspension when the NFL season begins.

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

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“New Orleans Saints – 6-8, 1st in NFC South,” wrote Janice Hough, aka The Left Coast Sports Babe, earlier in the week. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m a Saints fan and I love Drew Brees. But normally this level of mediocrity is only rewarded by re-election.” . . . Here’s Richmond, B.C., blogger TC Chong, after the latest Monday Night Football debacle: “After almost 8,000 no-shows at Soldier Field, and another brutal performance, the Chicago Bears will announce Jon Lester as their starting QB in Week 16.” . . . A question from Chong: “Where do all those ugly Christmas sweaters originate? From ugly sheep?” . . .

After the Bears benched quarterback Jay Cutler, Bud Shaw of the Cleveland Plain Dealer explained the move: “The turnovers alone don’t damn him. But when you combine them with the fact that his body language is the quarterback equivalent of Spicoli in Fast Times at Ridgemont High, something had to give.” . . . In what he refers to as a “Special Coded Note to Hackers,” Ron Judd of the Seattle Times writes: “Where were you a year ago, when the 11th mind-numbing season of Grey’s Anatomy was being considered? Or that insufferable Gary Busey ad for Amazon.com? Or Celtic Thunder in all forms? We could go on.” . . . Yeah, there’s the Toyota drum lady and TSN’s fantasy football spots and . . .

“Craig MacTavish is back behind the Edmonton Oilers’ bench,” writes Chong. “A memo was sent out by the league to Harvey the Hound asking him to watch his tongue.” . . . TBS’s Conan O’Brien has had enough. “Crossed Kim Jong-un off my Christmas list,” O’Brien tweets. “You have to take a stand somewhere.” . . . Sy Berger worked for Topps and is considered the father of collectible baseball cards. He died recently at the age of 91. As noted: “He will be laid to rest in a shoe box somewhere in an attic.” . . .

You may have heard about the trucking company employee who drove away in a truck containing US$1.5-million worth of LeBron James 12 sneakers. “It’s the first time someone with LeBron’s shoes has been caught travelling,” notes Vancouver comic Torben Rolfsen. . . . Yoenis Cespedes, the newest Detroit Tigers outfielder, drives a Lamborghini that spits flames from its pipes. “The explosion of fire doesn't faze Tigers fans,” claims Rolfsen, “who are used to watching the Detroit bullpen.” . . .

Tuesday night‘s NHL TV schedule: Buffalo at Winnipeg, regional; Anaheim at Toronto, regional; Carolina at Montreal, regional. Edmonton at Arizona, regional; New York Rangers at Calgary, regional. . . . Available: Los Angeles at St. Louis. . . . Watched: Yuletide Fireplace. . . . You may recall that Chris Davis of the Baltimore Orioles drew a 25-game suspension late last season for the unauthorized use of Adderall. Well, he now has a prescription for it so he’s back in the good books. Adderall is used to treat ADHD. The Baltimore Sun reports that MLB issued 112 exemptions for Adderall in 2014. There are about 750 MLB players. About four per cent of the general population deals with ADHD. . . . Headline at STLtoday.com: Bengals deflate Johnny Football. . . .

“The Florida Panthers won an NHL-record 20-round shootout over the Washington Capitals when Nick Bjugstad scored,” reports RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com. “The last shootout to use that many rounds was ended by Doc Holliday.” . . . Just the other day, ESPN asked: “Who'd you rather be: Johnny Manziel or Aaron Rodgers?” Here is Currie’s response: “Manziel may ‘show you the money,’ but Rodgers can show you Olivia Munn. Nuff said.” . . .

The Edmonton Oilers chose not to allow freshman forward Leon Draisaitl to play for Germany at the upcoming World Junior Championship. The stumbling, bumbling Oilers then made him a healthy scratch for the first time in his career. And this makes sense how? . . . Three weeks ago, you couldn’t find standing room on the Vancouver Canucks’ bandwagon. Then they went on a seven-game road trip and lost the last three games. By the time the losing streak hit five, you could find seats in the front row. . . .

Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times writes: “The Cleveland Cavaliers jumped out to a 21-0 lead Monday night against: a) the Hornets en route to a 97-88 NBA win; b) Johnny Manziel and the Browns in a pickup football game.” . . . “Riesa, Germany, hosted the World Tap Dance Championships this month,” notes Perry. “Roger Goodell’s handling of the Ray Rice case came in third.” . . . Here’s Perry again: “The Interview? Where were the North Korean hackers when we really needed them — when ESPN was filming The Decision?” . . .

We end the last Keeping Score before Christmas with this groaner from the afore-mentioned Currie: “A Cincinnati shortstop named Rudy looked outside and said, ‘It's raining.’ His wife said, ‘No, it's snowing.’ ‘Raining!’ said he. ‘Snowing!’ said she. Raining! Snowing! Raining! Snowing! And on it went. ‘Listen,’ he finally said. ‘Rudolph the Red knows rain, Dear.’ ” . . . Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

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With Canada winning both gold medals in Olympic hockey, Prime Minister Stephen Harper won two cases of beer from U.S. President Barack Obama. As Ian Hamilton of the Regina Leader-Post put it: “Harper had better be asking for cases of Molson Golden.” . . . With former NHLer Sean Avery having been selected to appear on Dancing With The Stars, Hamilton pointed out: “It’s ironic that Avery has agreed to compete on the show. When he played, he refused most of the invitations he received to dance.” . . . Tim Hortons plans on adding 500 outlets in Canada over the next five years. You mean there are 500 places in Canada in need of one? . . .

Michael Rosenberg, at SI.com: “Americans generally chafe at any sport that is judged, but judges contributed so much to the American medal count in Sochi, the USOC should pursue lifetime appointments, like we have for Supreme Court justices.” . . . LeBron James, who once worked in Cleveland, and Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo apparently chatted last week. During that conversation, James is said to have given Romo some advice on how to ignore criticism. According to James, he told Romo not to watch ESPN. . . . To which ESPN’s Bob Ley tweeted: “Help me here, @KingJames. ‘Don’t watch ESPN.’ -- except when you’re the focus of a 1 hr show announcing your free agent destination?” . . . Ley wins that one, with a slam dunk. . . .

Headline at TheOnion.com: Sochi’s Euthanized Dogs To Be Returned To Streets After Olympics. . . . If you were starting an NHL team and could have either Sidney Crosby or Jonathan Toews, which one would you take? . . . It’s nice that so many hockey coaches are using Team Canada’s defensive play as an example for their own teams. But how many of those coaches have access to that kind of talent? . . . “Now that Robinson Cano is making the kind of money he’s making with the Mariners,” writes Mike Lupica of the New York Daily News, “I think he should just hire somebody to run out ground balls for him.” . . .

Here’s Will Leitch of Sports on Earth, with his take on curling after the Olympic Winter Games: “Curling is super fun, particularly on television, where its inherent goofiness is both intriguing and, ultimately, soothing. (I find it comforting and an easy transition into a pleasant nap.) But in person, there are four games going on at once, and if you think you have a hard time following one curling match, try understanding four. The games also take nearly three hours, the first two of which are almost entirely setup. And they do three of these a day . . . a full day of curling, with three matches, can last up to 14 hours. I like curling, but that's a lot of curling. Also, in Sochi, they didn't sell alcoholic beer at the curling venue, which defeats half the purpose.” . . .

After Adelina Sotnikova skated to gold in the ladies’ singles figure-skating event in Sochi, Conan O’Brien of TBS noted: “The Russian skater said she was inspired by her family, her coaches and what happened to the losing — and now missing — Russian men’s hockey team.” . . . It seems that New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter and model Hannah Davis are an item again. As Fark.com put it: “Apparently he’s batted around and is back to the top of the order.” . . .

In case you think Major League Baseball’s pot of gold is running out consider that during the offseason the Atlanta Braves spent US$280.7 million on first baseman Freddie Freeman, right fielder Jason Heyward, closer Craig Kimbrel, shortstop Andrelton Simmons and starter Julio Teheran. . . . We should find out something about the Seattle Mariners in the early part of the baseball season. They will meet the Oakland A’s, the defending AL West champs, six times before May 8. As well, Seattle will play 11 of its first 27 games at home. . .

“Sadly unrealized was my Olympic dream,” writes Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle, “in which the U.S. men win the hockey gold medal, beating Russia 1-0, the goal caroming off Vladimir Putin’s forehead as he leans over the glass, and after the game the guy who scored the goal comes out as gay.” . . . Here’s Jack Finarelli, aka The Sports Curmudgeon, with, we think, tongue planted firmly in cheek: “By the way, how come the IOC has not jumped in on dogsled racing as an Olympic event? In fact, there could be multiple events from ‘sprints’ to multi-day competitions. If horse jumping can be an Olympic sport for the Summer Games, why not dogsled racing for the Winter Games?” . . .

During the Olympic Winter Games, Sir David Attenborough, a veteran British broadcaster who is perhaps best known for narrating documentaries, was asked to do some play-by-play during a curling game that involved Great Britain’s women’s team. Here’s part of it: “And off she goes: gently but flamboyantly launching the oversized walnut down the frozen river. The alpha female’s job is complete. It’s now up to the herd to frantically follow the walnut down the river, gently frisking the foreground.” . . . Take that, Vic Rauter!

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

There has never been a subscription fee for this blog, but if you enjoy stopping by here, why not consider donating to the cause? Just click HERE. . . and thank you very much.