NFL? Sense of humour? . . . Bautista not big in Baltimore . . . Who is Twit of the Year?

A note from comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: “The NFL is unsure why TV ratings are down 14 per cent. But for now let’s cut to the Papa John, Nationwide, GEICO analysis of all the penalties and injuries before we cut to a commercial.” . . . “Boise State and Baylor, in case you missed it, will be paired in the Motel 6 Cactus Bowl on Dec. 27,” reports Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times. “And they will keep a light on for ya: The game doesn’t kick off until 8:15 p.m.” . . . Be honest. You tuned into that Thursday night NFL game, saw the Oakland Raiders dressed in white and thought: “I didn’t know anyone in the NFL office had a sense of humour.” . . .

A report from Bill Littlejohn, our South Lake Tahoe, Calif.-based correspondent: “A day after trading starter Chris Sale to the Boston Red Sox, the Chicago White Sox dealt outfielder Adam Eaton to the Washington Nationals. The White Sox haven’t seen this much upheaval since Disco Demolition Night.” . . . “Congrats to Mick Jagger becoming a dad again at 73,” tweeted Bette Midler. “Which reminds me, I need to pick up a pregnancy test, because I’m, like, 936 weeks late!” . . .

ICYMI, Dan Duquette, the general manager of the Baltimore Orioles, says he hasn’t attempted to sign Jose Bautista because Baltimore fans don’t like the Toronto Blue Jays outfielder. Janice Hough, aka The Left Coast Sports Babe, points out: “Well, that and maybe Bautista’s .234 batting average in 2016.” . . . “Won’t it be wonderful,” writes Cam Hutchinson of the Saskatoon Express, “if Bautista and his inflated ego have to crawl all the way back to Toronto?” . . .

Here’s Hutchinson, again: “The biggest employers in the world are the United States Department of Defence, the People’s Liberation Army in China, Walmart, McDonald’s and the Saskatchewan Roughriders. I’m guessing the Riders are still finding players in basement suites.” . . . One more from Hutchinson: “I flipped on TSN last Saturday and was treated to a U.S. college hockey game between Union, N.Y., and Quinnipiac. There is no punch line.” . . . Meanwhile, I flipped on Hockey Night in Canada on Saturday night and Cassie Campbell-Pascall was one of the analysts for a game between the Winnipeg Jets and the Flames in Calgary. She is married to one of the Flames’ assistant general managers. Hutchinson is right. There is no punch line. . . . 

Torben Rolfsen, who hosts The Rolfsen Report on TSN 1040 Vancouver on Saturday mornings, has an idea for the NHL and its Vegas franchise, which finds itself caught up in a nickname controversy. “At this point,” Rolfsen notes, “the new Vegas NHL team should just call itself the Roughriders. After all, 25 per cent of CFL teams called themselves that for decades and there was never any legal problem.” . . . Headline at Fark.com: Colts coach Chuck Pagano: ‘There’s no trophies for second place.’ Banners conspicuously not mentioned. . . .

Steve Simmons, in the Toronto Sun: “The NHL players who want Olympic participation most are the ones who won’t be playing in Korea. That way, they get two weeks off in the middle of the season. Who wouldn’t vote for that?” . . . Simmons, again: “I feel a whole lot better about Donald Trump, future president, now that Linda McMahon is involved with a significant posting (as head of Small Business Administration). Apparently, Jesse Ventura was otherwise engaged.” . . . Meanwhile, there was this reaction from Brad Dickson of the Omaha World-Herald: “What next? Director of Homeland Security Sergeant Slaughter?” . . .

“Up to 30 inches of snow was predicted for mountaintops in Hawaii,” Dickson wrote early in the week. “Let’s hope we don’t learn that Hawaii has better snow removal than Omaha.” . . . Dickson, again: “The ‘mannequin challenge’ is when someone stands motionless and doesn’t move. In Omaha, this also is sometimes called ‘road construction.’ ” . . . Time magazine has named president-elect Donald Trump its Man of the Year. To which Richmond, B.C., blogger TC Chong wrote: “Not to be outdone, Twitter is expected to name Donald its Twit of the Year.” . . .

“New York City police say a thief snatched a pot of gold off the back of an unattended armoured truck,” reports RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com. “He was last seen being pursued by three leprechauns.” . . . Currie, again: “Emma Morano, reportedly the world's oldest person at 117, credits her long life to eating two raw eggs daily. Today she lives in an old yokes home.” . . . One more from Currie: “The New York Post is questioning why the NFL has failed to address ‘crass, uncouth social-media behavior’ by players. I think we can rule out lack of evidence.” . . .

After San Antonio dropped a 95-91 decision to the Bulls in Chicago on Thursday, Spurs head coach Gregg Popovich was asked whether he had his players ready to play. His response shows why he is who he is: “Guys get a lot of money to be ready to play. No Knute Rockne speeches. It’s your job. If you’re a plumber and you don’t do your job, you don’t get any work. I don’t think the plumber needs a pep talk. If a doctor botches operations, he’s not a doctor anymore. If you’re a basketball player, you come ready. It’s called maturity. It’s your job.” . . . Following the death of Cuban dictator Fidel Castro, comedian Argus Hamilton noted: “San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick praised Castro as a great humanitarian, automatically triggering the NFL’s concussion protocol.”

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at greggdrinnan@gmail.com and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

There has never been a subscription fee for this blog, but if you enjoy stopping by here, why not consider donating to the cause? Just click HERE. . . and thank you very much.

KS: Martha and Snoop . . . Colon and Dickey . . . Did Tiger win a major?

A tweet from Randy Turner (@randyturner15) of the Winnipeg Free Press: “Independence Day was a movie about aliens going from planet to planet sucking all resources. In a related story, the Arizona Coyotes are moving to Tempe.” . . . One more tweet from Turner: “I still don’t appreciate the way TSN cuts away after Jets games like they’ve just robbed a bank.” . . . The Chicago Cubs end a 108-year drought. Donald Trump is the president-elect of the world’s most-powerful nation. Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg are business partners. Hey, is this a great time to be alive or what? . . . 

TC Chong, the Richmond, B.C., blogger, had plans for the weekend: “Time to put up the Christmas lights and pick up the leg-hold traps I set for the Pokemon players.” . . . Just wondering but are you as tired as I am of listening to people’s telephone conversations while out doing Christmas shopping? . . . After the Atlanta Braves, about to move into a new stadium, signed aging right-handers Bartolo Colon and R.A. Dickey — actually, Colon is 43, and Dickey is 42 — comedy writer Marc Ragovin wondered: “What is the name of their new place? Jurassic Park?” . . . 

In case you weren’t aware, the Cleveland Browns, who are 0-12, had a bye this weekend. As comedy writer Alex Kaseberg noted going into the weekend: “Las Vegas has the Browns vs. Bye as too close to call.” . . . The Vancouver Sun, a Postmedia product, had a full page in Saturday’s sports section on airplane crashes involving the sporting world. Unfortunately, there isn’t a mention of the 1956 crash near Chilliwack that took the lives of five CFLers who were on their way back to Regina and Winnipeg from the all-star game that had been held in Vancouver. Of course, the copy the Sun used was from the Washington Post. . . . It’s enough to make an old newspaper guy cry. . . .

“I must have missed something,” venerable golf writer Dan Jenkins tweeted on Sunday. “Tiger beat two out of 17 players, but I kept reading that he was winning another major.” . . . Here’s Janice Hough, aka The Left Coast Sports Babe, after the second round of this weekend’s golf tournament: “ESPN headline ‘Tiger Woods fires 2nd-round 65 at Hero World Challenge, nearly aces No. 12.’ So is anyone actually leading this tournament?” . . . A note from Hough that some of us appreciate: “Dear Santa: On behalf of all of those people who have such nice cars but couldn’t afford turn signals — could you help them out this Christmas?” . . . “Golden State Warriors head coach Steve Kerr said he tried marijuana twice for back pain in the last year and a half, but ‘it didn’t help at all,’ ” Hough reports. “Hmm! Maybe he should ask around the NBA for help getting better stuff.” . . .

Bill Littlejohn, our South Lake Tahoe, Calif.-based correspondent, reports: “Indiana University fired men’s basketball coach Kevin Wilson for apparent player mistreatment. Imagine that — a coach at Indiana who mistreated players.” . . . Littlejohn, again: “The MLB All-Star Game no longer will determine home-field advantage in the World Series. Instead, it will go to the pennant winner with the best regular-season record. The choice reportedly left a descendant to Paul the Octopus very disappointed.” . . . One more from Littlejohn: “Twenty to 30 inches of snow has been forecast for parts of the Big Island of Hawaii. So I guess, in the wake of the Chicago Cubs winning it all, Hell has officially begun to freeze over.” . . . Littlejohn also reports that, according to PNC Wealth Management, the cost of The 12 Days of Christmas now is more than US$34,000, an increase of more than $200 over last year. There are only three Saturdays left, so you best get started. . . . 

“The world’s oldest person, an Italian woman, has turned 117,” notes Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times. “Even more impressive, she’s been alive for all three Cubs World Series championships!” . . . On Nov. 20, NFL kickers missed on 12 extra-point attempts, causing Brad Dickson of the Omaha World-Herald to note: “The best kicking I saw all week took place on the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving special.” . . . 

If you didn’t hear, Flemingsberge IK dumped Åker/Strängnäs HC, 5-0, in a hockey game in a Swedish U-18 league the other day. The teams combined for 871 penalty minutes — that’s right, 871. Thankfully, there only were 67 spectators in the house. . . . The 1-10 San Francisco 49ers met the host 2-9 Chicago Bears on Sunday. How bad was it? Well, neither team was able to complete a pass in the first quarter. According to ESPN Stats and Info, that hadn’t happened in the NFL since Nov. 13, 1988, when the New York Jets and New England appreciates accomplished (?) it. . . . The Bears eventually won, to go to 3-9, which still won’t get them into the playoffs. . . .

Headline at TheKicker.com: Wildlife handlers dispatched to tranquilize Jim Harbaugh. . . . Headline at SportsPickle.com: Chip Kelly starting to worry 49ers won’t fire him in time to take the Oregon job. . . . As my wife and I were sitting in our car on Friday, trying to make a right turn into traffic from a driveway with no one willing to slow down and let us in, she pointed out: “It’s December, the rudest month of the year because everyone is in a hurry.” . . . Slow down out there, folks. Take a deep breath and enjoy December.

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at greggdrinnan@gmail.com and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.) 

There has never been a subscription fee for this blog, but if you enjoy stopping by here, why not consider donating to the cause? Just click HERE. . . and thank you very much.

Heard the news? Matthews scored four . . . WCL still interested in Kamloops . . . Roberts quite a walker

So . . . if you hadn’t heard, centre Auston Matthews scored four goals in his first game with the Toronto Maple Leafs on Wednesday night. . . . I wonder what it might have been like had Wayne Gretzky played during the social media era. . . . With no baseball games on Wednesday, I watched both ends of Sportsnet’s NHL season-opening doubleheader. There was some wide-open hockey in evidence in both games, and you can bet that the coaches will work hard to choke that out of the game. . . . In all seriousness, it is going to be fun watching Matthews and Connor McDavid of the Edmonton Oilers progress over the next few seasons. . . .

Here’s comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, after the Miami Marlins canned hitting coach Barry Bonds: “It did not go well. Bonds got angry, turned green and ripped through his shirt and most of his pants.” . . . “Stephen Hawking said humankind is greedy and stupid,” writes Brad Dickson of the Omaha World-Herald. “Apparently, he has a Twitter account.” . . . Dickson, again: “An amateur cyclist out for a leisurely weekend ride suddenly found himself in the lead of the Tour of Britain. Officials didn’t realize he wasn’t an actual world-class cyclist until after the race when he passed a drug test.” . . . 

Death, taxes .... and Harold Reynolds trending on Twitter when calling a postseason game.

— Richard Deitsch (@richarddeitsch) October 14, 2016

If you missed it, former major leaguer Harold Reynolds was back as part of the Fox TV crew that did the National League series between the Los Angeles Dodgers and Washington Nationals. If only he wouldn’t feel obligated to talk between every pitch, especially because he was part of a three-man booth. . . . If you listened closely, there were times when it sounds as though Tom Verducci, the third man in the booth, wanted to throw a high, hard one in Reynolds’ direction. . . . If you think you’re alone in not liking Reynolds’ work, do a Twitter search. . . . Not to beat a dead horse, but after Washington’s Ryan Zimmerman swung at a Joe Blanton slider in Game 5 on Thursday, Reynolds offered: “That was what he was looking for and it looked like it was gonna be where he wanted it. It just didn’t end up where he thought it would be.” . . . In the top of the ninth inning, with the Dodgers leading 4-3, Reynolds told us: “This is a big half inning.” . . . Uhh, no kidding. . . . 

A recent rant from Bob Molinaro of the Hampton Roads Virginian-Pilot: “With penalties for taunting up 220 percent compared to the first four weeks of last season, the NFL is taking steps to clarify the rules of deportment for the benefit of the obstreperous players. So this is how far we’ve sunk. There was a time when the primary rule governing on-field conduct was an obvious and unwritten one: don’t act like a jackass. Those days are long gone.” . . . Baseball’s West Coast League, a short-season league that is loaded with U.S. college players, is holding its annual meeting in Vancouver, Wash., today and Monday. Expansion to Kamloops isn’t on the agenda, but there are those in the league who would like to see a franchise here in 2018. Abbotsford and Nanaimo also are on the WCL’s radar. . . . The WCL will have one new franchise — the Port Angeles Lefties — in 2017. . . . The Victoria HarbourCats have led the WCL in attendance each of the past two seasons. . . .

The Los Angeles Dodgers set an MLB record in the 2016 regular season by making 606 pitching changes. That smashed the record (588) that had been held by the 2007 Washington Nationals. At one point in the NLDS between the Dodgers and Nationals, TBS analyst Tom Verducci mentioned that Los Angeles manager Dave Roberts had walked 21.7 miles in making those changes. . . . Sorry Cubs fans, but it would be neat if the Dodgers would win the World Series. Why? Because Vin Scully would get a ring and that would be the perfect punctuation mark for the end of his broadcasting career. . . . “On Sunday, in a game that overlapped Presidential Debate No. 2, the Toronto Blue Jays finished off a sweep of the Texas Rangers,” writes Janice Hough, aka The Left Coast Sports Babe. “So how unfair is this . . . Canada beats the U.S. at our own national pastime.  And they have Justin Trudeau?” . . .

Randall Cobb of the Green Bay Packers took quite a lick during a game against the New York Giants last weekend. As he told NBCsports.com: “Got folded up like a lawn chair . . . Then I turned over and, like, I had 15 faces in front of me. So I thought I had died or something.” . . . Hey, Sportsnet. Those ‘This Is Hockey Night’ commercials were OK the first 100 times. They’re kind of old after about 1,000 viewings. . . . As for that Royale commercial with the little girl, well, it’s borderline creepy. . . . Especially when it shows up as often as it does. . . . ICYMI, Paddy Sharkey, an Englishman, won the world gravy wrestling championship. “I imagine,” writes R.J. Currie of SportsDeke.com, “when  fighting in gravy you have to take your lumps.”

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at greggdrinnan@gmail.com and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.) 

There has never been a subscription fee for this blog, but if you enjoy stopping by here, why not consider donating to the cause? Just click HERE. . . and thank you very much.

A-Rod as The Needler? . . . Javelin takes out tooth . . . Time to take up painting?

“Tom Brady’s agent said the Deflategate report has ‘significant and tragic flaws’,” writes Brad Dickson of the Omaha World-Herald. “Can we perhaps save the word ‘tragic’ for things more important than some guy letting the air out of a ball?” . . . Dickson adds: “The Patriots are claiming that text messages using the term ‘deflator’ are a reference to an equipment manager's weight loss. Everyone on the planet who believes this will be meeting on Saturday in the Patriots' training whirlpool.” . . . That equipment manager apparently goes by the nickname The Deflator. “They said it's because he's trying to lose weight,” Vancouver comic Torben Rolfsen says. “Remember when A-Rod was always having fun making jokes at his teammates' expense? That's why he was called The Needler.” . . .

Here’s ABC-TV’s Jimmy Kimmel: “I hope Deflategate is a good lesson for kids. If you cheat and don’t play fair, you will be the MVP of the Super Bowl and marry one of the most beautiful women on earth. Remember that.” . . . Here’s NBC-TV’s Jimmy Fallon, after noting that the Deflategate report said it was ‘more probable than not’ that Brady knew game balls were being tampered with: “Did they do this investigation with a Magic 8 Ball? ‘Try again later?’ ‘Reply hazy?’ ” . . . After hearing about Brady having been suspended, TNT’s Conan O’Brien offered: “They’re going to punish him by making him stay home in his mansion with his supermodel wife and think about what he did wrong.” . . .

The NHL opened its conference finals with games on Saturday at 10 a.m., Pacific, and Sunday, at noon. Hey, Gary, it’s a long weekend up here and the weather is glorious. I’m sorry but there were a million better things to do than watch your referees swallow their whistles for a couple of more games. . . . Bryan Clay, a former U.S. Olympic decathlete, used his javelin to help his daughter, Ellie, get rid of a loose baby tooth the other day. Yes, he did it exactly the way in which you are thinking. . . . “Here’s hoping Ellie doesn’t let her dad pierce her ears,” writes Ian Hamilton of the Regina Leader-Post. . . . Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg added: “Let’s hope she never gets tonsillitis.” . . .

Women of Algiers, a Picasso painting that was done in the early 1950s, has sold at auction for US$179.3 million. Take away the 12 per cent commission and the price is $160 million. . . . Be careful that you don’t get trampled in the painting section at Michael’s by soon-to-be painters. . . . Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times, comparing the price of that painting to the salary of the Seattle Mariners’ ace, wrote: “Felix Hernandez, by comparison, gets roughly only $750,000 per masterpiece — but then again, he just paints the corners.” . . . “Kris Bryant, Chicago’s highly touted rookie, hit his first career home run the other day and his Cubs teammates responded by emptying the dugout,” writes Bill Littlejohn, our South Lake Tahoe, Calif., correspondent. “It’s one of the few empty dugouts this season that didn't involve the Kansas City Royals.” . . . “The baseball record books are wrong,” Littlejohn claims. “Before Corey Kluber, the last to record 18 strikeouts did it on match.com.” . . .

After Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn split up, Steve Schrader of the Detroit Press noted: “Hey, it worked for Rory.” . . . RJ Currie at SportsDeke.com: “According to the Daily Mail, Lindsay Vonn split with Tiger Woods because he cheated on her. Talk about a guy wasting a mulligan.” . . . If Woods really was out and about again, the afore-mentioned Hamilton noted, “it proves once again that a Tiger can’t change its stripes.” . . . One more from Currie: “Prince William and Kate, the Duchess of Cambridge, named their new baby girl Charlotte Elizabeth Diana. NHL translation — Charsy.” . . .

Jack Finarelli, aka the Sports Curmudgeon, checks in with this: “Just in case you were worried that hyperbole might be on the wane, CBS announced that Super Bowl 50 — to be televised on CBS in February, of course – will be ‘the most historic broadcast event of all time.’ Really? Have the suits at CBS forgotten already about Katie Couric’s colonoscopy and that time Judge Judy had to interrupt and scold one or both of the ‘litigants’ in her ‘court,’ and/or the final episode of My Mother the Car?” . . .

“San Francisco has banned chewing tobacco in sports venues starting Jan. 1, 2016,” reports Janice Hough, aka The Left Coast Sports Babe. “John Shea in the San Francisco Chronicle quotes one anonymous Giants player as asking: ‘But you can smoke weed?’ ” . . . Here’s Hough, again: “Reports say that New Jersey governor Chris Christie spent $82,000 at Jets/Giants games at MetLife Stadium between 2010 and 2011. Well, to be fair, at NFL prices that’s probably only a few dozen beers.” . . . With a playoff game on the line the other night, David Blatt, the head coach of the Cleveland Cavaliers, drew up a play that had LeBron James making the in-bound pass. “The play that was drawn up, I scratched,” James said after making a buzzer-beater. “I just told coach, just give me the ball.” . . . According to Hough, Marshall Lynch said: “Damn, you can DO that!?” . . .

Headline at SportsPickle.com: Yankees honor A-Rod’s HR achievement with new car that has the brake lines cut. . . . Headline at TheOnion.com: Raiders considering taking chance on prospect with zero off-field incidents. . . . Another headline from TheOnion.com: Jimmy Garoppolo informs locker-room attendants how he likes footballs. . . . Jimmy Garoppolo? He’s the man for the Patriots if Brady is under suspension when the NFL season begins.

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

There has never been a subscription fee for this blog, but if you enjoy stopping by here, why not consider donating to the cause? Just click HERE. . . and thank you very much.

Was Innocent guilty? . . . From Q to q. Really? . . . A speeding minister

The MLS’s San Francisco Earthquakes have a midfielder named Innocent, who recently was hit with a one-game suspension. It was Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle who suggested that the headline on that story should have been ‘Innocent Guilty.’ . . . Ron Judd of the Seattle Times, with a ‘Note to Canada’: “Y’all seemed really excited last week announcing your first bombing runs against ISIS. Question: If we jumped off a bridge into Kabul, would you do it, too? OK, bad example.” . . . Judd, again: “Commercial fishermen in the Gulf of Alaska are getting increasingly miffed by the large numbers of sperm and killer whales that nab hooked cod and other fish right off their lines. Damn whales think they own the whole ocean.” . . .

ICYMI, a couple named Joel Burger and Ashley King recently were married. Richmond, B.C., blogger TC Chong reported: “When asked if they were planning to start a family they replied, ‘Yes, our first daughter will be named Wendy. If it’s a boy, then Carl Jr.’ ” . . . If you’re a fan of the New York Yankees, you are thinking: If they had only given Robinson Cano what he wanted. . . . Only the deep thinkers at CBC would take a scandalized radio show called ‘Q’ and rename it ‘q’. . . . Seriously, who makes those decisions? . . .

You can’t make this stuff up: Todd Stone is B.C.’s minister of transportation and infrastructure. Thus, he is responsible for the speed limits in the province. It was revealed on Friday that he was ticketed three weeks ago for going 109 kilometres per hour in an 80 zone. Cost him $196. Apparently, he was rushing to catch a ferry to the Lower Mainland from Victoria, with his wife and three children in the vehicle with him. . . . It turns out that Stone lost his driver’s licence in 2000 after accumulating five speeding tickets. He now has had two speeding tickets since then so obviously is a slow learner. . . . Maybe he should stick to the Coquihalla Highway, where he recently jacked up the speed limit to 120. . . . BTW, if you’re like me, you’re wondering if he made the ferry. . . .

You may be aware that Masters champ Jordan Spieth attended the U of Texas but didn’t stay long. He left in 2012 without finishing his sophomore year. As Reggie Hayes of the Fort Wayne News-Sentinel pointed out: “It's an under-publicized problem for college golf: The hole-in-one-and-done.” . . . You may have noticed that a big part of the media is in love with Tiger Woods. As Phil Mushnick of the New York Post put it: “If there were a 5,000-car pileup, the breaking news would be: Tiger Woods wasn’t in it — and escaped unhurt.” . . . After the 21-year-old Spieth won the Masters, comedy writer Alex Kaseberg noted: “Tiger Woods has hickeys older than Jordan Spieth.” . . .

A paragraph from Bill Littlejohn, our South Lake Tahoe, Calif., correspondent: 1. “According to stats in the early going, the length of major league baseball games are down eight minutes. Or about one Mike Hargrove at-bat.” . . . To the youngsters in our audience, Hargrove’s nickname was The Human Rain Delay. . . . 2. “Tom Brady bounced his first pitch at the Red Sox home-opener. I hear the baseball was two PSI below the limit.” . . . 3. “Britt McHenry's life story on film — ‘Gone Baby-Girl.’ In Britt's case, there hasn't been such a clear and emphatic reminder of another's 'lower' station in life since the heyday of Leona Helmsley.” . . .

RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com has a “note to those who laughed at Tom Brady after his ceremonial pitch: Four Super Bowl rings; wife Gisele Bundchen; wife’s 2014 earnings, $47 million. Who’s laughing now?” . . . One more from Currie: “Iconic Pittsburgh safety and shampoo pitchman, Troy Polamalu, announced his retirement. Yet to be decided — the hair apparent.” . . . With foreigners again allowed to compete in the Pyongyang Marathon in North Korea, Vancouver comic Torben Roflsen point out: “But they couldn’t have any water. The winner of the race was Kim Jong-un, with a reported time of 1 hour 35 minutes.” . . . One more from Rolfsen: ““There is a mayoral bet on the Canucks-Flames series: If Vancouver wins, the Red Mile becomes a bike lane.” . . .

Please, no more whining about WHL bus trips. “The Milwaukee Brewers’ AA farm team,” notes Ray Ratto of CSNBayArea.com, “which moved from Huntsville last year because Biloxi got all flirty and new ballpark-y, is beginning a 55-game, 60-day roadie because said new park isn’t ready yet. And because this is the Southern League, it’s all bus rides -– from Pensacola to Mobile to Jacksonville to Pensacola to Huntsville to Jackson, Mississippi, to Jackson, Tennessee, to Huntsville to Chattanooga to Birmingham. When the Shuckers finish this trip, they will have well and truly bonded. Unless, of course, they kill each other going from Jackson to Jackson.” . . .

So, Charles Barkley, what goes through your mind when you hear about NBA players getting into it with fans on social media? “I always use this analogy when it comes to sports fans,” he replies. “Just because you watch Grey’s Anatomy doesn’t mean you can perform an operation.” . . . “In Allen, Texas,” reports Janice Hough, aka The Left Coast Sports Babe, “a rancher was given a $266 citation for doing what he’s been doing for years, riding his horse to Taco Bell. Apparently, it’s not allowable to ride on a public street. Now, if he’d just walked downtown carrying a couple of shotguns. . .”

You are wondering why Lou Holtz is leaving his role as a football analyst with ESPN. Well, he’s 78, and as he told a Notre Dame website: “I’ve been everywhere except to bed. I’ve spoken to everybody except my wife. Somebody said, ‘Do you ever go anywhere where people don’t recognize you?’ I said, ‘Home.’ ” . . . Ian Hamilton of the Regina Leader-Post reports: “In his new book, former NFLer Phillip Buchanon claims his mother demanded $1 million from him — her fee for raising him, as it were — after he was drafted by the Oakland Raiders in 2002. That gives new meaning to ‘child support’ ” . . .

“Rassler-turned-actor Dwayne Johnson says he eats 2¼ pounds of cod a day — or 821 pounds a year,” writes Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times. “Rock cod, we presume.” . . . Centre Kendrick Perkins of the Cleveland Cavaliers took nine steps with the ball in a recent game and wasn’t called for travelling. “I have gone for runs that were shorter,” wrote Kaseberg.

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

There has never been a subscription fee for this blog, but if you enjoy stopping by here, why not consider donating to the cause? Just click HERE. . . and thank you very much.

Golfers living in gatored community? . . . Hot dog stuffed into a donut?

Someone at the Brisbane, Australia, Courier-Mail asked former heavyweight boxer Joe Bugner, who is 65, what it was like to punch Muhammad Ali in the face. Bugner replied: “Very difficult.” . . . “A picture of a massive alligator taken by a member of Florida’s Myakka Pines Golf Course has gone viral,” reports Richmond, B.C., blogger TC Chong. “The club’s Facebook page has generated thousands of hits a day. The club invites visitors to play the course but reminds you that its 400 399 members have priority for times.” . . . “Sounds like the exclusive club is located in a gatored community,” writes Ian Hamilton of the Regina Leader-Post. . . .

Here’s a minor league baseball culinary report from Hamilton: “The Wilmington BlueRocks are selling a hot dog (covered in bacon and raspberry jam) stuffed into a Krispy Kreme donut at concession stands this season. Meanwhile, the Wisconsin Timber Rattlers are offering a bacon cheeseburger served between two funnel cakes. Those coronary-inducing offerings could leave patrons dead at the plate.” . . . Headline at TheOnion.com: Every single NFL player traded, retired, signed, cut, re-signed over past 24 hours. . . .

“Edward Snowden’s lawyer says the NSA secrets-leaker would consider a return to the U.S. if he could be assured of getting a fair trial,” reports Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times. “Or, failing that, a live one-hour sit-down with ESPN’s Jim Gray.” . . . How big is March Madness in the U.S.? Perry informs us that, according to the American Gambling Association, “some 40 million citizens will fill out more than 70 million brackets and wager $9 billion on the upcoming NCAA basketball tournament.” . . . “For comparison’s sake,” Perry adds, “Barack Obama was the No. 1 seed on just 66 million ballots in the 2012 presidential election.” . . .

“When police pulled over a vehicle near Prince Albert, 17 people were found in the truck,” notes Cam Hutchinson of the Saskatoon Express. “My first thought was they were auditioning for the Shrine Circus.” . . . “A San Francisco man claims he is the biological son of Wilt Chamberlain,” reports Vancouver comic Torben Rolfsen. “Experts put the chances at about 1 in 20,000.” . . . Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg has made the case that “2015 has started off as a wild year. Two llamas escape, nobody can agree on the colors of a dress, and Harrison Ford has hit more fairways than Tiger Woods.” . . .


“Murray State pitcher John Lollar has an insane high leg kick,” reports contributor Bill Littlejohn. “Scouts call him half-Juan Marichal, half-Inspector Gadget.” . . . One more from Littlejohn: “Researchers from the Université Libre de Bruxelles found that the much-maligned cockroach has its own personality and even displays different character traits.I hear that one even scored a 22 on the Wonderlic test.” . . . Littlejohn, again: “Vlade Divac wants to be the NBA's new flopping czar.Wouldn't that be like putting Lance Armstrong in charge of drug testing at the Tour de France?” . . .

“If Will Ferrell wants to reach an audience larger than the army of hangers-on and star-droolers that surrounded him Thursday in Arizona,” writes Ray Ratto of CSNbayarea.com, “he should seriously crash the NFL Draft and save it from its ponderous, self-important, over-analyzed, leaden, grisly awfulness.” . . . RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com has “a work-saving tip for MLB groundskeepers. Add alcohol to your spring fertilizer — the grass will come up half-cut.” . . .

Janice Hough, aka The Left Coast Sports Babe: “Woman on a bench outside our office, talking loudly on an iPhone speaker about her business deals. So tempting to ask her to speak up a bit so we can take notes.” . . . Here’s Hough, again: “South Dakota may join Idaho, Texas, Utah and Wyoming as states with 80 mph speed limits. Interesting enough, they’re all states you might want to drive like a bat out of hell to get out of.” . . .

“As we wade into March Madness,” writes Bob Molinaro of the Hampton Roads Virginian Pilot, “the blather from ESPN's talking heads would be a little more credible if every sideline drill sergeant wasn't portrayed as an incredible motivator, committed educator, wonderful family man and someone who is only looking out for the welfare of his players. Not a dubious character in the bunch, in other words. College coaching: only geniuses and saints need apply.” . . .

“The Jets traded for receiver Brandon Marshall but still have no decent quarterback,” writes Greg Cote of the Miami Herald. “That’s like someone who can’t cook buying a great set of pots and pans.” . . . Daytime TV star Judge Judy signed on with CBS for another five years the other day. According to TV Guide, she pulls in a cool US$47 million a year. As comedian Argus Hamilton pointed out: “Only Kobe Bryant gets paid more to sit on the bench.”

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

There has never been a subscription fee for this blog, but if you enjoy stopping by here, why not consider donating to the cause? Just click HERE. . . and thank you very much.

“Sharks defenseman Marc-Edouard Vlasic said he missed (last) Saturday night’s pantsing at the hands of the mostly brutal Carolina Hurricanes because of ‘a cold,’ ” writes Ray Ratto of CSNbayarea.com. “Sunday he was placed on injured reserve. In other words, what we have here officially is an ‘upper body injury linked to killer phlegm.’ Boys, we don’t mind that you lie about injuries because your players are occasionally borderline psychopaths who would try to injure already-injured players. But you have to be able to lie better than that. You just have to. Children are watching.” . . . Meanwhile, in the WHL, Kootenay Ice head coach Ryan McGill sat out two games during the week. He went from “ill” to “upper-body injury” to “general body soreness.” . . .

You sit down on a Thursday night and have a hankering to watch an NHL game. The channel guide on your TV shows you four games, all on at the same time. Winnipeg at Nashville. Toronto at the New York Islanders. Pittsburgh at Ottawa. Edmonton at Montreal is on two channels, one French and one English. Later, it’s Calgary at Los Angeles. Five games. Each featuring a Canadian team. But in Gary Bettman’s NHL every one of those games is available regionally. Which means, here in Kamloops, it was the New York Rangers at Colorado or Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives. Hey, Rogers, if you’re wondering why the ratings aren’t nearly what you thought they would be. . . .

Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times discovered an interactive soccer-related calculator at BBC.com and typed in the average U.S. salary of $43,000. This is what he got back: “Cristiano Ronaldo earns €18,200,000 ($20.9 million) per year. It would take him 18 minutes to earn your weekly salary. On your current salary, it would take you 551 years to earn Cristiano Ronaldo’s annual wage. If you had started in the year 1464 you’d almost be finished.” . . . Perry asks: “What do the Seahawks and NBC anchor Brian Williams have in common?” Perry answers: “Both would’ve been better off staying on the ground.” . . . Minor league baseball’s Akron Rubber Ducks will play host to Brian Williams’ Pants-on-Fire Night on April 27. You know you’ve made it when a baseball team is honouring you with a special night. . . .

Here’s comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: “My sports and entertainment heroes have been, roughly in order, Bill Cosby, O.J. Simpson, Bruce Jenner, Lance Armstrong, Tiger Woods, Charlie Sheen and Brian Williams. I am starting to think I might be the problem.” . . . Seattle Times desk editor Bill Kossen asks: “How many Marshawn Lynches does it take to screw in a light bulb?” Kossen's answer: “Thank you for asking.” . . . G Jackson Whistle of the Kelowna Rockets underwent an appendectomy about 10 days ago. If you have ever wondered whether that is upper or lower body, the Rockets list him as being out with a lower-body injury. . . .

“Tiger Woods withdrew with a bad back, explaining that a long wait in the fog caused his glutes to deactivate,” wrote Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle during last weekend’s PGA tournament. “First recorded case of foggy bottom. You know you’re in trouble when your ass goes south on you. Now can we declare a moratorium on discussion of any Tiger Woods body part below his waist?” . . . Jack Finarelli, The Sports Curmudgeon, chimed in with: “Personally, I wonder if this was a case of his glutes deactivating or a situation where he realized he was getting his glutes kicked.” . . .

“During a game at a recent Colorado Rockies fantasy camp,” writes Ian Hamilton of the Regina Leader-Post, “a pitcher brushed back batter Lew Dunlap. Livid, Dunlap — who’s 88 — started to charge the mound. He’s expected to arrive there sometime next week.” . . . Cardale Jones, who finished the season as Ohio State’s starting quarterback, recently spent some time visiting a children’s hospital. While there, he played the NCAA football video game with a patient. Jones later took to Twitter to clear the air. “Man, he tweeted, “I wish everyone stop saying I beat a kid in the hospital 91-35 . . . It was 98-35, had 91 with 1:26 left in the 4th.” . . .

You may have noticed New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick chatting with David Letterman on Wednesday. Perhaps you were wondering why it wasn’t Seattle Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll. According to Letterman, “We invited Pete Carroll to be on the show, but he passed.” . . . Katy Perry has told people that the NFL had almost total control over her halftime Super Bowl extravaganza. “If my calculations are correct,” noted Reggie Hayes of the Fort Wayne News-Sentinel, “that brings the total number of events that the NFL had under control this past season to one.” . . .

It says here that Dallas Stars forwards Jamie Benn and Tyler Seguin, aka The Immature Punks, should just shut up until they have accomplished off the ice what Daniel and Henrik Sedin have in Vancouver. . . . Maybe the voices in their heads made Benn and Seguin say what they said on that open mouth radio show the other day. . . . “Kanye West told Ryan Seacrest that ‘voices in my head’ told him to go on stage at the Grammys and rant against Beck,” reports Janice Hough, aka The Left Coast Sports Babe. “How come these ‘voices’ in people’s heads never tell them to sit down and shut up?” . . . Hough is getting ready for the spring planting season. “Picked up a little pot of tulips,” she tells us. “Small stick with care instructions in the soil. Ending with: ‘For decoration only. Do not consume.’ And they assume anyone dumb enough to eat tulips is smart enough to read instructions?”

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)


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A quiz from Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times: “Seahawks fans will remember the ill-fated goal-line pass in the final seconds of Super Bowl XLIX as: a) Picked and Rolled; b) The Wrongest Yard; c) The Agony of Deflate.” . . . “Amazing that Russell Wilson is receiving virtually zero blame for the Interception Heard Round the World,” writes Bob Molinaro of the Hampton Roads Virginia-Pilot. “I’m not making him out to be the goat, but had his pass been lower and not so far in front of Ricardo Lockette, it’s less likely the ball would have been picked off. Some guys get – maybe earn – special treatment after they make a crucial mistake. Fair enough. But if Tony Romo had turned the ball over at the goal line like that in the Super Bowl, he’d be assuming a false identity and moving to Latvia.” . . .

“The Vancouver Canucks have called up rookie Latvian forward Ronalds Kenins, who has already scored two goals in three games,” noted Richmond, B.C., blogger TC Chong earlier this week. “Ronalds says the Canucks looks like they can use all the helps they can gets.” . . . The WHL held its winter meetings in Las Vegas earlier this month. One supposes that all the hotels in Lethbridge, Moose Jaw, Swift Current, Prince Albert, Brandon, etc., were booked, thus forcing the pooh-bahs to go south. . . . Headline at TheOnion.com: New NCAA regulations prohibit student-athletes from studying more than 30 hours per week. . . .

Comedian Argus Hamilton had this take on Deflategate: “(New England Patriots owner) Bob Kraft referred questions about deflated footballs to Bill Belichick, who denied all wrongdoing and blamed Tom Brady, who denied wrongdoing and blamed the ballboys, who might rat out everyone. We baby boomers loved it. For one beautiful day, Nixon was still president and we were all young again.” . . . “The Chicago Cubs’ renovation of Wrigley Field has caused a huge neighbourhood rat infestation,” reports comedy writer Alex Kaseberg. “The good news? They’re Cubs rats, so they’ll be gone by October.” . . .

“As for Warren Sapp’s arrest,” writes Ray Ratto of CSNbayarea.com, “not paying for two hookers he apparently had employed for his own post-Super Bowl party will not help his credit rating, and not just with the International Fille de Joie Workers Guild, especially given that he filed for bankruptcy three years ago. Unpaid debts are a real red flag there, Skippy. On the other hand, Pete Carroll and Johnny Manziel both appreciate Sapp’s effort on their behalf.” . . . Here’s Ratto, again: “It’s an old saying, but an occasionally apt one, so when (head coach) Todd McLellan said the Sharks, who gave away a point to the hideous Edmontons on Monday night, ‘didn’t have the piss and vinegar that it takes to win,’ we elders knew to what he was referring. That said, a lot of the team’s younger players were afraid just what kind of energy drinks they would be offered at Tuesday’s practice.” . . .

On July 27, 2011, shortly after Eric Weddle signed with the San Diego Chargers, Sapp tweeted: “8 million a year for a safety you couldn’t pick out of a lineup!” . . . On Tuesday, after Sapp’s arrest, Weddle fired back: “Thank you for the motivation the last 4 yrs. I really appreciated it. #whoisinthelineupnow.” . . . Liquidation sales began at Target stores on Thursday. Had some of the bargain-seekers who showed up been even semi-regular Target shoppers, all of the employees might still have jobs there a year from now. . . .

The Philippines is the call-centre capital of the world but, as Torben Rolfsen, the host of The Rolfsen Report on TSN 1040 Vancouver, points out: “And still Mayweather and Pacquaio have trouble communicating.” . . . Here’s Rolfsen, again: “NBC News anchor Brian Williams recanted his story about coming under fire on a helicopter in Iraq. He now says it was Lance Armstrong's girlfriend.” . . . Janice Hough, aka The Left Coast Sports Babe, asks: “Anyone but me want to see Lance Armstrong play against Brian Williams in a rousing game of Liar’s Dice?” . . .

“Orange News says Beijing police questioned a man who rode the subway wearing a watermelon mask,” reports RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com. “All they got was his name, rank and Mosaic Stadium seat number.” . . . “How about the drama surrounding the Winnipeg Jets?” asks Currie. “Throw in Humphrey Bogart, and you’d have the Kane Mutiny.” . . . If you weren’t aware, Sports Illustrated has laid off all of its staff photographers. Which means, as comedy writer Tim Hunter points out, that “this year’s Swimsuit Issue could be entirely selfies.” . . . Just wondering, but how is it still Sports Illustrated if it has dumped all of its photographers? . . .

“Tiger Woods has withdrawn from the PGA Tour’s Farmers Insurance Open, leaving midway through the first round with a back injury,” notes The Left Coast Sports Babe. “So over at ESPN, they no longer have to worry this weekend about covering golf.” . . . It seems to me that Woods’ body simply has broken down. Could it be that we have seen the last of him in the top 50? Top 100?. . . “I think it's time for Randy Carlyle to be considered for coach of the year,” tweets Bruce Penton of the Medicine Hat News. . . . A tweet from Ken Campbell of The Hockey News: “Just looking at Martin Brodeur's draft year in 1990. He outscored four skaters taken in the first round of that draft. Had 47 career points.” . . .

Headline at fark.com: British boxer Ricky Hatton’s house robbed after he tweeted he’d be out of town for the weekend / He really telegraphed that one. . . . Letroy Guion, a defensive tackle with the Greent Bay Packers, is facing marijuana- and gun-related charges. As comedy writer Alan Ray noted: “The NFL will follow its routine judicial protocol — Innocent until proven a liability.”

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

There has never been a subscription fee for this blog, but if you enjoy stopping by here, why not consider donating to the cause? Just click HERE. . . and thank you very much.

Who knew there was a National Bobblehead Hall of Fame and Museum? Well, there isn’t just yet. But organizers are searching for the right location in Milwaukee and hope to have it open in 2016. . . . After the Miami Marlins signed slugger Giancarlo Stanton to that huge contract, Greg Cote of the Miami Herald chimed in with: “A 13-year, $325-million contract means Stanton will ‘earn’ $68,493 per day, year round, before taxes. That’s $2,854 per hour, nonstop, around the clock. That’s $48 a minute. In the time it took you to read the preceding few (lines), I think Stanton just made enough money to buy the Bahamas.” . . .

The WHL’s Saskatoon Blades held a Pucks and Paws night recently, after which RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com wrote: “Summing up Saskatoon's 8-7 OT loss at home to the (Swift Current) Broncos on Pucks & Paws night: 3. A bark-and-forth thriller; 2. Blades late equalizer sends crowd through the woof; 1. Losing in overtime simply arf-ful.” . . . One more from Currie: “Matt Damon confirmed he’ll return once more as agent Jason Bourne. Three suggested titles: 3. The Bourne Inability; 2. Bourne Again; 1. The Bourne Seniority.” . . .

After Tiger Woods kicked it around during his return to competitive golf on Thursday, ESPN’s headline read: Tiger 11 behind leader Spieth. . . . As Janice Hough, aka The Left Coast Sports Babe, noted: “11 behind doesn’t sound great. But guess it’s better than saying it another way, that Tiger Woods is last in an 18-man field.” . . . The afore-mentioned Currie writes: “Lindsey Vonn returned to competitive skiing in Alberta while boyfriend Tiger Woods returned to competitive golf in Florida. Of the two, Tiger is going downhill faster.” . . .

Craig MacTavish, the general manager of the Edmonton Oilers, held a news conference Friday morning to discuss the state of his team’s union. The president of the United States should get such media attention when he discusses the state of his country’s union. . . . As Cam Hutchinson of the Saskatoon Express put it: “Craig MacTavish called a news conference to say the Edmonton Oilers suck, but will continue down the same path that makes them suck.” . . . MacTavish spent 30 minutes saying a whole lot of nothing, but that didn’t stop Sportsnet, with all those channels to fill with content, from replaying the news conference later in the evening. . . .

“After a round of online voting, the Fictitious Athlete Hall of Fame has announced its Class of 2014,” reports Ian Hamilton of the Regina Leader-Post. “Joining 2013 inductee Rocky Balboa in the Hall are Crash Davis (of Bull Durham fame), Roy Hobbs (The Natural) and Ricky (Wild Thing) Vaughn (Major League). Better luck next year to the biggest work of fiction in sports history, Barry Bonds.” . . . The price of a gallon of gas has fallen more than $1.50 over the past six months. As comedian Argus Hamilton notes: “Hummers have resumed playing soccer on Sunset Boulevard, with Smart Cars as the ball.” . . .

“Jazz center Enes Kanter will wear a Santa hat and hang out with underprivileged kids in an event called ‘Kanter Klaus,’ ” reports Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times. “The L.A. Angels, not to be outdone, are bringing back Bobby to host the Grich That Stole Christmas.” . . . One more from Perry: “Only in soccer: Seattle’s Sounders FC ties 0-0 in its final first-round MLS playoff game and advances. Then it wins its final second-round playoff game 2-1 and gets eliminated.” . . . Here’s Perry, again: “Boston University handed out tubes of Crest toothpaste when its hockey team hosted Colgate. Just be glad the Terriers don’t get to schedule Marlboro College.” . . .

In case you missed it, actor Mickey Rourke was back in the ring the other day, beating up an opponent 33 years younger than he is. As Vancouver comic Torben Rolfsen pointed out: “Don't the San Antonio Spurs do that every week?” . . . Contributor Bill Littlejohn claims that the 62-year-old Rourke’s “prize move was the Ali Shuffleboard.” . . . “Big week for NASA,” scribbled Ron Judd of the Seattle Times, “whose successful launch and recovery of the Orion space capsule proved beyond a shadow of a doubt we’re halfway back to the capabilities of the Apollo program of 50 years ago.” . . .

Just the other day, Jack Gangwish, a defensive end with the Nebraska Cornhuskers, saw a raccoon on the side of a road so, yes, he decided to take a selfie with it. Yes, the raccoon bit Gangwish, who promptly killed it with a wrench. The raccoon is being tested for rabies, which resulted in Gangish tweeting: “I googled Rabies symptoms. Irritability, muscle spasms, aggressiveness, confusion? I think football gives you Rabies.” . . . It doesn’t appear that NFL teams are in a hurry to sign running back Ray Rice, who on appeal has had his NFL-imposed suspension lifted. “Rice is available to be signed by any NFL team,” noted comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, “but many teams have opted to buy a 10-foot pole instead.”

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

Jack Finarelli, aka The Sports Curmudgeon, and his good wife, Peg, recently went coast-to-coast-to-coast via Amtrak. One of his observations from the observation car: “There was so much coal being transported from Colorado/Wyoming to the east in trains that were 100-cars long, I began to worry that the Rocky Mountains were not going to be there when we got to Colorado.” . . . One more note from Jack The Tourist: “Many folks consider California as a source of trends within U.S. society and culture. I have never been one to be at the forefront of a trend and, very specifically, I make no claim to any ‘fashion sense.’ However, on this trip, I got the feeling that I had missed a memo somewhere because I saw a fashion trend that had totally escaped my notice: More than a few men were wearing black socks and white sneakers with their shorts. This is not a good look.” . . .

Headline at Fark.com: “Randy Johnson is selling his 25,000-square-foot home. That’s one big unit.” . . . One more from the gang at Fark: “Cyclists hospitalized after confusing laundry detergent for sports drink / Doctors confirm all urine tests came back clean.” . . . Atlantic City is losing three casinos in the next while as the Revel, Showboat and Trump Plaza all will close their doors. Which got Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times to wonder: “So when did Charles Barkley and John Daly decide to quit gambling?” . . . “The San Francisco 49ers’ new Levi’s Stadium hosted a wedding over the weekend,” notes Perry. “In keeping with the local football theme, well-wishers threw Jerry Rice.” . . .

If you weren’t aware, the last New York Yankees player before Derek Jeter to wear No. 2 was Mike Gallego, who wore pinstripes from 1992-94. . . . After Roger Federer came back from two sets down to erase Gael Monfils on Thursday night at the U.S. Open, Ray Ratto of Comcast Sports Net tweeted the facts: “The thing about Federer is, he can stab you, kill you, gut you, skin you, bread you, fry you, eat you and then extol your athletic virtues.” . . . “According to ESPN,” notes blogger TC Chong, “the highest price for a family of four to attend an NFL game is the new Santa Clara stadium of the SF 49ers at US$641. The cheapest NFL tickets can be found at Buffalo, where the team might pay you $641 to tell your friends that you were at the game.” . . .

Ron Judd of the Seattle Times writes that he is “so proud of the brain trust at the U-Dub for solving two of the most-pressing problems at Montlake — the heart-rending dearth of cash in athletic department coffers, and the notable scarcity of drunken, staggering fans inside Husky Stadium — with a single bold stroke: a new plan to sell booze at football games.” . . . That would be the U of Washington, of course. . . . Here’s Judd, again: “Millions of Fraser River-bound sockeye turned off by a ‘warm blob’ of ocean water off the coast of Washington are believed to be returning to their natal stream to the north, through British Columbia’s Johnstone Strait, rather than through the Strait of Juan de Fuca and San Juan Islands. Perhaps they prefer not to swim past the natural toilet that is Victoria, B.C.” . . . Yes, things are getting nasty as thumbs twiddle in the Victoria area while raw sewage continues to pour into the Stait of Juan de Fuca. . . .

“Canada loves Jay Onrait and Dan O’Toole,” notes Cam Hutchinson of the Saskatoon Express. “Not so much in the U.S., where their Fox Sports Live show averages 64,000 viewers a night.” . . . After Tiger Woods canned Sean Foley, his third swing coach, comedy writer Alex Kaseberg summed it up with: “In golf terms that is known as firing the dance instructor on the Titanic.” . . . If Tiger really wants to learn how to swing, might I suggest he hire Justin Bieber as No. 4. . . . “Reuters reports a Chinese farmer has invented a zip line so his pigs literally fly from one truck to another,” writes RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com. “In a related item, the Maple Leafs might win this year’s Stanley Cup.” . . . One more from Currie: “A church converted to a house is up for sale near Portage la Prairie, Man. It features a room with a pew.” . . .

Is this a great country, or what? I now have 10 Canadian-based sports TV channels pouring into my home. . . . One week ago, four were showing the same baseball game and four were showing the same CFL game. . . . I can’t understand why so many young people are turning to streaming and Netflix? . . . There were some nifty occurrences on Monday as four Philadelphia Phillies pitchers no-hit the Atlanta Braves, 7-0. For starters, Jason Heyward of the Braves stole three bases, which isn’t bad for a guy on a team that didn’t get a hit. Also, Ben Revere of the Phils had five RBI, becoming the fifth player in MLB history to do that in a no-hitter. Prior to Monday, Revere had one month this season in which had had five RBI. He had two RBI in all of August. . . .

In an NCAA Division II game on Thursday, the Tusculum College Pioneers beat the College of Faith Saints, 71-0. The Saints rushed for, uhh, minus-124 yards and their total offence was, uhh, minus-100 yards. . . . “One piece of good news came out of the game for the Saints,” notes Ian Hamilton of the Regina Leader-Post. “They have been granted admission into the CFL’s East Division, where they’ll fit right in.” . . . Here’s Hamilton with a soccer story from Bulgaria: “Soccer fan Zdravkov Levidzhov has won a 15-year court battle to change his name -- to Manchester Zdravkov Levidzhov-United. Mr. Manchester United, as the 50-year-old construction worker likes to be called, celebrated by having the crest of his favourite team tattooed on his forehead. Memo to Zdravkov: Man U are an idiot.”

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

There has never been a subscription fee for this blog, but if you enjoy stopping by here, why not consider donating to the cause? Just click HERE. . . and thank you very much.

Brad Rock writes a column, Rock On, in the Deseret News of Salt Lake City. The other day, it included this item: “Faced with declining revenue and high maintenance costs, some golf courses are allowing a new game called ‘footgolf.’ Participants kick a soccer ball down the fairway and into a 21-inch hole. Rock On will pass on that. He’s waiting to cash in on the swimboxing craze.” . . . Hey, Rogers Sportsnet, it’s about those digital ads that show up on the hitters’ background on your Blue Jays telecasts. How about dumping them? They really are misleading because that isn’t what the hitters are looking at. Besides, it‘s not as though there aren’t enough ads in the ballyard and on the telecasts already. . . .

If you missed it, Cincinnati Bengals quarterback Matt Scott lost his cookies and then threw a touchdown pass during his club’s NFL preseason opener. Column contributor Bill Littlejohn wonders if that’s “a puke-six?” . . . “A woman found IKEA bags in a Swedish church that were filled with ancient human skulls and bones,” reports RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com. “And dozens of odd little wrenches.” . . . One more from Currie: “Knicks star Carmelo Anthony says he wants to be a facilitator. Imagine Nero saying he wanted to be a firefighter.” . . .

You know you’re having a bad season when you have a toy-truck giveaway and one of the trucks has a different team’s logo on it. That’s what happened to the New York Mets. One of the trucks that was given away actually had a Philadelphia Phillies logo on it. . . . In case you don’t think young players copy what they see on TV, consider this note from Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle: “I watched five minutes of the Little League baseball regionals. Every batter steps out of the box after every pitch. One kid drew in the dirt with his bat, crossed himself, twitched, dug in and gave the ump the big ‘Wait!’ hand. After every pitch, the kid stepped out and refastened his batting glove. Stop that!” . . .

Astronaut Barry Wilmore is a happy camper these days, because NASA has agreed to provide an SEC Network feed to the space station so that he can watch some college football. There may be a downside, however. As Reggie Hayes of the Fort Wayne News Sentinel pointed out: “I’m guessing he’ll have a pretty long wait for the cable guy if he loses his signal.” . . . A wildlife note from Vancouver comic Torben Rolfsen: “Sharks kill 10 people annually. Hippos kill 2,900. When is Hippo Week?” . . . Rolfsen, again: “Smoke signals herald a new pope; baseball owners elected Rob Manfred as MLB’s new commissioner and tobacco spit gushed out of the building.” . . .

“Forty years ago (last) weekend, Nixon resigned,” notes Janice Hough, aka The Left Coast Sports Babe. “The younger generation may find it hard to believe, but there actually was a time when we were shocked to learn that our leaders could be crooks.” . . . One more from Hough: “Tiger Woods has taken himself out of Ryder Cup consideration. Guess I should take myself out of consideration to be George Clooney's girlfriend.” . . . Hough, again: “The prosecution in Bob McDonnell’s trial has rested. They said the former Viriginia Governor and his wife took more than $165,000 in illegal gifts. And down in Louisiana they’re thinking ‘Amateurs’.” . . .

In case you missed it, Canada’s men’s soccer team is down four spots to No. 122 in FIFA’s latest rankings. Canada now is one spot ahead of Guinea-Bissau. . . . Headline at TheOnion.com: Johnny Manziel Forced To Wear Cleveland Browns Jersey In Cruel Rookie Hazing Incident. . . . You wonder how long it will take PTI’s Michael Wilbon to get over it when he realizes that Tiger Woods now is just another guy on the PGA Tour. . . .

Aunt Jemima’s great grandson is reportedly suing various product makers for $2 billion in royalties. “He claims they have been using her image and recipes without compensation since 1937,” notes Richmond blogger TC Chong. “Following this case closely are families of Sara Lee, Betty Crocker and Tony the Tiger.” . . . There are a whole lot of junior hockey teams into training camps already, and a whole lot more will join the crowd this week. It’s all about school, you know. Gotta get the players who won’t be on the roster back home in time to start school. Except in B.C., of course, where going to school is just a distant memory. . . .

Cam Hutchinson of the Saskatoon Express has a question for TV watchers: “Would anybody else like to hear that Wendy’s pretzel-bun woman and Trivago Man are shacking up in a cheap motel?” . . . Here’s Hutchinson, again: “In Ontario, the provincial curling finals will be known as the Recharge with Milk Tankard. Somewhere Paul Gowsell must be shaking his head.” . . . A head-nodder from comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: “The NFL announced it is placing tracking chips in players’ shoulder pads to measure how far and fast they run in a game. This from the league that still measures first downs with three guys, two sticks and a chain.”

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

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