Going squirrelly in Green Bay . . . Vikes are who we thought they were . . . Epstein dines on goat

Here is Ray Ratto of CSN Bay Area, after the U.S. election: “How this chapter in American history turns out is anyone’s guess, depending on the cheeriness of one’s outlook. Perhaps there is a Trump we haven’t seen yet, one who can work the milieu of anger as fuel, one who can actually grow from the man whose catch phrase meant unemployment. Nobody believes that now, though, and whether the lesson is how far we have fallen as a nation, how uncivil we have become in our daily discourse, or whether we have lost the right to buy into our own loftier impression of ourselves, we are now naked and raw as a nation, stripped of the layers of our illusions, and a nasty winter is coming on.” . . . 

You may have noticed that the NHL scheduled the first head-to-head meeting between Connor McDavid and Sidney Crosby for last Tuesday, which was election night in the U.S. “What?” stated Torben Rolfsen, who hosts The Rolfsen Report on TSN 1040 Vancouver on Saturday mornings. “The Super Bowl time slot wasn’t available.” . . . One more from Rolfsen: “Gary Bettman must be thrilled that the faces of the NHL for the next 10-15 years are in Toronto, Edmonton and Winnipeg.” . . . Rolfsen watched an NFL game the other night and noted: “There was a squirrel on the loose at Lambeau Field during Colts-Packers. It was gathering cheese and beer for the winter.” . . .

While dining out on Wednesday night, I happened to glance at a TV set and noticed that there were anti-Trump protests going on in at least seven American cities. My first thought: It’s too late America; you should have thought about that before Tuesday. . . . Here’s Bob Molinaro of the Hampton Roads Virginian-Pilot with a pre-election note: “My polling place is at the Norfolk Zoo. Considering this election year, that seems fitting to me.” . . . Headline at SportsPickle.com: Vikes honor Dennis Green by being who we thought they were. . . . “Not saying the Minnesota Vikings field-goal kicker is cursed,” writes RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, “but he’s just a hand-held camera away from the Blair Walsh Project.” . . . Currie, again: “For years my vegetable of choice was broccoli. Then I heard John Lennon on the radio and decided to give peas a chance.” . . .

The NFL is concerned with tumbling TV ratings so it gives us the Cleveland Browns on a Thursday night. Now that’s funny. . . . Here’s Richmond, B.C., blogger TC Chong on the NFL’s concern: “Really? Hey, let’s put Cleveland-Baltimore on national TV this week, and get more of those 7:30 a.m. games from London, England.” . . . ICYMI, tight end Travis Kelce of the Kansas City Chiefs picked up 30 yards in penalties and an ejection after taking a hand towel from his waistband and throwing it in the direction of an on-field official. So what did Kelce learn from the incident? “I can’t throw my flag at the ref, but he can throw his all day long.” . . . 

The Nebraska Cornhuskers had Wisconsin and Ohio State in back-to-back games recently. As Brad Dickson of the Omaha World-Herald noted: “The last time someone had a road test this stiff, it was Lewis and Clark.” . . . Bill Littlejohn, our South Lake Tahoe, Calif., correspondent with a note from the U.S. election: “After holding a lead in all of the major polls heading into the election, Hillary Clinton lost to Donald Trump in one of the most shocking of upsets. And you thought the Giants' bullpen collapsed against the Cubs.” . .

Jack Finarelli, aka The Sports Curmudgeon, had some fun with words the other day. For example, he came up with Kaepernicking and defined it thusly: “In honor of Colin Kaepernick, this word could come to mean drawing attention to oneself when one’s performance is insufficient to do so.” . . . That got Finarelli to wondering: “If Tiger Woods were to withdraw from the Hero World Challenge – as he did from the last tournament he said he would play in – how close would that bring him to ‘Kaepernicking?’ ” . . . Tuned into the Thursday night NHL game between the Vancouver Canucks and the host Detroit Red Wings. Was blown away by — wait for it! — the number of empty seats in the Joe. I guess Detroit no longer is Hockeytown USA. . . . 

Headline at Fark.com: Bud Black named as the next manager the Colorado Rockies will fire. . . . “Chicago Cubs president Theo Epstein celebrated winning the World Series and ending the so-called billy goat curse by feasting on roasted goat in the Wrigley Field bleachers,” reports Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times. “So what did Epstein chow down on in 2004 when his Boston Red Sox finally ended the Curse of the Bambino — a Baby Ruth?” . . . Perry pondering: “Alabama football coach Nick Saban astounded the country when he said: a) He was completely unaware that Tuesday was election day; b) He thought Electoral College was the Tide’s season-opening opponent next fall.”

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at greggdrinnan@gmail.com and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

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Now those are expensive tickets . . . Jennings a happy man . . . Want to buy a urinal?

“While you are fretting over the efficacy of NBA concussion protocols,” writes Ray Ratto of CSNBayArea.com, “consider the story of New York Ranger Mats Zuccarello, who missed the end of the Rangers’ playoff run with an upper body injury that ended up being a fractured skull and brain contusion that cost him the power of speech for three days; he is still in speech therapy. I remember when that was a romantic tale of how tough hockey players are. Except that we know better now.” . . . Here’s Ratto, again: “Here’s your gilt-edged mortal lock prediction for The Finals. If there is a Game 7, some moron (or morons) will pay $183,565 for a courtside seat, because money and stupid go together like money and FIFA. And stupid.” . . . This was after he noted that the cheapest ticket available for Game 1 of the NBA Finals was priced at $638, with the most expensive $58,000. . . .

British journalist Andrew Jennings has been writing about FIFA for 15 years and played a role in all that has happened over the last couple of weeks. Here’s a summary of how he feels: “I know that they are criminal scum, and I’ve known it for years. And that is a thoughtful summation. That is not an insult. That is not throwing about wild words. These scum have stolen the people’s sport. They’ve stolen it, the cynical thieving bastards. So, yes, it’s nice to see the fear on their faces.” . . . How did Jennings react on the morning when the first FIFA arrests were made in Switzerland? “My phone started ringing at six in the morning,” he said. “I turned it off actually to get some more sleep, because whatever is happening at six in the morning is still going to be there at lunch time, isn’t it?” . . .

“Hey,” asks Ian Hamilton of the Regina Leader-Post, “did you hear that a wedding was held at FIFA headquarters the other day? The organist played ‘Here Comes the Bribe.’ ” . . . “After decades of ignoring soccer, FIFA corruption scandal front page news in U.S.,” tweets Randy Turner of the Winnipeg Free Press. “Somewhere, Gary Bettman tents his fingers and goes, ‘Hmm.’ ” . . . Headline at TheOnion.com: Sepp Blatter Resigns From FIFA With Generous Severance Bribe. . . . Another headline at TheOnion.com: Report: Underpaid migrant laborers working 18 hours per day on FIFA legal defense. . . . Headline at BorowitzReport.com: McCain urges military strikes against FIFA. . . . The Women’s World Cup opened Saturday in Canada and, as comedy writer Argus Hamilton noted, “Everything will be on sale. Soccer balls, jerseys, national flags, FIFA officials. . .”

Ron Judd, in the Seattle Times: “Now that embattled president Sepp Blatter is out of the picture, it looks like the world soccer organization, FIFA, is starting over, from scratch. Does this mean they can finally do something about the flopping?” . . . “After inadvertently washing my wallet with my clothes,” writes RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, “I’ve applied to be president of FIFA. I’m experienced at laundering money. . . .

“Police were called to a Michigan McDonald’s after it turned away a man wearing scuba gear,” Currie reports. “I carried jumper cables into a restaurant once; they warned me not to start anything.” . . . ICYMI, Caitlyn Jenner will be honoured with the Courage Award at this year’s ESPYs. Vancouver comic Torben Rolfsen wonders: “Is that for spending so many years around the Kardashians?” . . . NFL fan Mike Kozan is trying to sell a Barry Sanders-autographed urinal from the Pontiac Silverdome on eBay. As Rolfsen points out: “It includes decades of Detroit Lions Super Bowl dreams.” . . . A woman in California dropped off an Apple 1 computer that turned out to be worth US$200,000. As Richmond, B.C., blogger TC Chong pointed out: “She had no use for it, as their home office has been running just fine using a Sperry Univac and Commodore VIC-20.” . . .

“Yes, LeBron scored 44 points in Game 1,” notes Bill Littlejohn, our South Lake Tahoe, Calif., correspondent, “but he took 38 shots. 38 shots? Who was he shooting at, the Warriors or Bonnie and Clyde?” . . . Littlejohn, again: “Indian police said they detained a pigeon suspected of being a Pakistani spy after it was found to have a message stamped on its body. They released it, however, upon learning that the message translated to 'Property of Bill Belichick.’ ” . . . One more from Littlejohn: “For Game 1 of the NBA Finals, the Golden State Warriors invited a fan known only as Sweetie, who turns 105 later this month. Sweetie reportedly adopted the Warriors because she was tired of waiting for the Cubs.” . . .

“Not saying Florida isn’t exactly a hockey mecca,” claims Janice Hough, aka The Left Coast Sports Babe. “But when random Floridians were asked if they were watching the Lightning, most of them responded ‘I didn’t even hear the thunder.’ ” . . . Hough, again: “Two months into a seven-month abalone season, a sixth person has died while diving for the precious mollusk off the Northern California coast. How long until the NRA calls for divers to be armed?” . . . One more from Hough: “So if it’s a pack of wolves and a murder of crows, what do you call all these wealthy people running for President in 2016? I’m thinking ‘an embarrassment of riches.’ ”

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

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NFL should spin goal posts . . . No Rush to get to Saskatoon . . . Marlins like paying managers

You may have heard that the IOC has stripped the U.S. men’s 4x100-metre team of its silver medal from the 2012 London Olympic Games because of Tyson Gay’s doping suspension. As Ian Hamilton of the Regina Leader-Post writes: “Good work, IOC: The Americans took 37.04 seconds to finish the race and you took nearly three years to catch up to them.” . . . . New York Yankees starter Chase Whitley is to become the 16th major league pitcher this season to undergo reconstructive surgery to repair an injury to the ulnar collateral ligament in his throwing arm. “The procedure has become so prevalent,” Hamilton notes, “it seems like it’s being done on every Tommy John, Dick and Harry.” . . .

If you didn’t hear, the pooh-bahs at Wimbledon have decided to ban selfie sticks. “Great,” noted Brad Dickson of the Omaha World-Herald. “Now what’s the Queen supposed to do between sets?” . . . Too bad the pooh-bahs at the French Open didn’t get the memo. . . . Here’s Dickson, again: “Warren Buffett said he began playing ukulele in college to impress a girl. A ukulele to impress a girl? Were all of the oboes checked out? Now that he's acquired some $72 billion, I'm thinking she's impressed.” . . . “The Portage Terriers won the RBC Cup,” reports RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, “ending Manitoba’s Junior A hockey championship drought dating back to 1974. Or as the Chicago Cubs call it, just yesterday.” . . .

After the NFL made a rules adjustment, Ray Ratto of CSNBayArea noted: “The only extra-point rule change that would have meant anything is spinning the goal posts during the kick so it's more like miniature golf.” . . . Here’s Ratto on head coach Mike Babcock’s decision to sign with the Toronto Maple Leafs: “He’ll be tunnelling back to Michigan by Christmas.” . . . That’s an interesting on-air crew that ESPN is using for the NBA’s Western Conference final between the Golden State Warriors and Houston Rockets. Analyst Mark Jackson was fired as Golden State’s head coach, while Jeff Van Gundy, the other analyst, once got gunned by the Rockets. . . .

There is speculation that the NLL’s Edmonton Rush is going to end up in Saskatoon. Cam Hutchinson of the Saskatoon Express doesn’t think that’s a good idea: “Professional lacrosse will not work in Saskatoon. Period. End of story. Teams in Buffalo and Colorado attract 16,000 people to their games. Calgary averages approximately 12,000. Edmonton had 7,000 at a game last week and is kicking tires for a new home.” . . . According to Hutchinson, “Nickelback is wanted in Australia for ‘crimes against music.’ Isn’t this the country that gave us Air Supply?” . . .  Has anyone told fans of the Edmonton Oilers that they didn’t win the Stanley Cup on Tuesday when Todd McLellan was introduced as their head coach? . . . Of course, the Maple Leafs won the Stanley Cup on Wednesday — didn’t they? — with the signing of Babcock as their latest head coach. . . . Forgotten in the champagne and caviar and releasing of balloons is that the Oilers missed the playoffs this season. By 36 points. The Leafs? They were 30 points out. . . .

“So do we finally have the real thing in American Pharoah?” wonders Bill Littlejohn, our South Lake Tahoe, Calif., correspondent. “Or will the Belmont Stakes turn yet another Triple Crown contender into Sam the Sham?” . . . You may have heard that Russian President Vladimir Putin scored eight times in an exhibition hockey game that featured a number of retired stars. As Littlejohn points out: “So much for Mitt Romney and his fight against Evander Holyfield” and “It was captured for posterity by the same photographer who caught Mao swimming the Yangtze.” . . . “Dwyane Wade reportedly wore three outfits at his wedding,” according to Littlejohn. “Was the wedding planner an Oregon Duck grad?” . . .

“Vladimir Putin just gave back Robert Kraft’s Super Bowl ring,” reports comedian Argus Hamilton, “saying if a team can’t play by the rules, it isn’t worth having.” . . . Headline at SportsPickle.com: Study: All the games you fall asleep watching have awesome finishes. . . . “Former Baltimore Ravens LB Ray Lewis will release a memoir,” notes Vancouver comic Torben Rolfsen. “Will the publisher be DC or Marvel?” . . .

“History will be made when the new span connecting Detroit to Windsor is named in honour of hockey great Gordie Howe,” writes Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times. “It’s believed to be the first Howe-inspired bridge that wasn’t installed by a dentist.” . . . Here’s Richmond, B.C., blogger TC Chong: “A new bridge connecting Detroit to Windsor will be named after Gordie Howe. Calgary already has a street named after Gordie. It’s Elbow Drive.” . . . One more from Chong: “Newly hired Maple Leafs coach Mike Babcock called the Leafs ‘Canada’s Team’ in his first press conference. Babcock seems to be confused — somebody please tell him that he’s the head coach of Toronto, not Canada’s Olympic team.” . . .

The Miami Marlins fired manager Mike Redmond last Sunday. They ended up putting general manager Dan Jennings in the dugout as the manager. Because they still are paying Ozzie Guillen, who was fired after the 2012 season, the Marlins now have three managers on their payroll. We should also mention that they dumped catcher Jarrod Saltalamacchia the other day. They still owe him US$14 million. . . . Now let’s not shed any tears for Miami owner Jeffrey Loria, whose fingerprints, you may recall, were all over the demise of the Montreal Expos. . . . In 20 years with the New York Yankees, Derek Jeter played for three managers. Giancarlo Stanton first played for the Miami Marlins five years ago. He now is playing for his seventh manager — Jennings. . . .

“Police said they found about 1,000 weapons at the Twin Peaks restaurant in Waco after the shootout last weekend,” reports Janice Hough, aka The Left Coast Sports Babe. “Well, gosh, I can certainly see why Texas lawmakers are pushing to loosen the state’s gun laws.” . . . Here’s Hough, again: “A Norwegian Cruise Line ship that ran aground in Bermuda has been refloated. No word on what NCL might do regarding compensation for the passengers. If it was an airline, it would probably charge for an extra stop.”

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

There has never been a subscription fee for this blog, but if you enjoy stopping by here, why not consider donating to the cause? Just click HERE. . . and thank you very much.

Was Innocent guilty? . . . From Q to q. Really? . . . A speeding minister

The MLS’s San Francisco Earthquakes have a midfielder named Innocent, who recently was hit with a one-game suspension. It was Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle who suggested that the headline on that story should have been ‘Innocent Guilty.’ . . . Ron Judd of the Seattle Times, with a ‘Note to Canada’: “Y’all seemed really excited last week announcing your first bombing runs against ISIS. Question: If we jumped off a bridge into Kabul, would you do it, too? OK, bad example.” . . . Judd, again: “Commercial fishermen in the Gulf of Alaska are getting increasingly miffed by the large numbers of sperm and killer whales that nab hooked cod and other fish right off their lines. Damn whales think they own the whole ocean.” . . .

ICYMI, a couple named Joel Burger and Ashley King recently were married. Richmond, B.C., blogger TC Chong reported: “When asked if they were planning to start a family they replied, ‘Yes, our first daughter will be named Wendy. If it’s a boy, then Carl Jr.’ ” . . . If you’re a fan of the New York Yankees, you are thinking: If they had only given Robinson Cano what he wanted. . . . Only the deep thinkers at CBC would take a scandalized radio show called ‘Q’ and rename it ‘q’. . . . Seriously, who makes those decisions? . . .

You can’t make this stuff up: Todd Stone is B.C.’s minister of transportation and infrastructure. Thus, he is responsible for the speed limits in the province. It was revealed on Friday that he was ticketed three weeks ago for going 109 kilometres per hour in an 80 zone. Cost him $196. Apparently, he was rushing to catch a ferry to the Lower Mainland from Victoria, with his wife and three children in the vehicle with him. . . . It turns out that Stone lost his driver’s licence in 2000 after accumulating five speeding tickets. He now has had two speeding tickets since then so obviously is a slow learner. . . . Maybe he should stick to the Coquihalla Highway, where he recently jacked up the speed limit to 120. . . . BTW, if you’re like me, you’re wondering if he made the ferry. . . .

You may be aware that Masters champ Jordan Spieth attended the U of Texas but didn’t stay long. He left in 2012 without finishing his sophomore year. As Reggie Hayes of the Fort Wayne News-Sentinel pointed out: “It's an under-publicized problem for college golf: The hole-in-one-and-done.” . . . You may have noticed that a big part of the media is in love with Tiger Woods. As Phil Mushnick of the New York Post put it: “If there were a 5,000-car pileup, the breaking news would be: Tiger Woods wasn’t in it — and escaped unhurt.” . . . After the 21-year-old Spieth won the Masters, comedy writer Alex Kaseberg noted: “Tiger Woods has hickeys older than Jordan Spieth.” . . .

A paragraph from Bill Littlejohn, our South Lake Tahoe, Calif., correspondent: 1. “According to stats in the early going, the length of major league baseball games are down eight minutes. Or about one Mike Hargrove at-bat.” . . . To the youngsters in our audience, Hargrove’s nickname was The Human Rain Delay. . . . 2. “Tom Brady bounced his first pitch at the Red Sox home-opener. I hear the baseball was two PSI below the limit.” . . . 3. “Britt McHenry's life story on film — ‘Gone Baby-Girl.’ In Britt's case, there hasn't been such a clear and emphatic reminder of another's 'lower' station in life since the heyday of Leona Helmsley.” . . .

RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com has a “note to those who laughed at Tom Brady after his ceremonial pitch: Four Super Bowl rings; wife Gisele Bundchen; wife’s 2014 earnings, $47 million. Who’s laughing now?” . . . One more from Currie: “Iconic Pittsburgh safety and shampoo pitchman, Troy Polamalu, announced his retirement. Yet to be decided — the hair apparent.” . . . With foreigners again allowed to compete in the Pyongyang Marathon in North Korea, Vancouver comic Torben Roflsen point out: “But they couldn’t have any water. The winner of the race was Kim Jong-un, with a reported time of 1 hour 35 minutes.” . . . One more from Rolfsen: ““There is a mayoral bet on the Canucks-Flames series: If Vancouver wins, the Red Mile becomes a bike lane.” . . .

Please, no more whining about WHL bus trips. “The Milwaukee Brewers’ AA farm team,” notes Ray Ratto of CSNBayArea.com, “which moved from Huntsville last year because Biloxi got all flirty and new ballpark-y, is beginning a 55-game, 60-day roadie because said new park isn’t ready yet. And because this is the Southern League, it’s all bus rides -– from Pensacola to Mobile to Jacksonville to Pensacola to Huntsville to Jackson, Mississippi, to Jackson, Tennessee, to Huntsville to Chattanooga to Birmingham. When the Shuckers finish this trip, they will have well and truly bonded. Unless, of course, they kill each other going from Jackson to Jackson.” . . .

So, Charles Barkley, what goes through your mind when you hear about NBA players getting into it with fans on social media? “I always use this analogy when it comes to sports fans,” he replies. “Just because you watch Grey’s Anatomy doesn’t mean you can perform an operation.” . . . “In Allen, Texas,” reports Janice Hough, aka The Left Coast Sports Babe, “a rancher was given a $266 citation for doing what he’s been doing for years, riding his horse to Taco Bell. Apparently, it’s not allowable to ride on a public street. Now, if he’d just walked downtown carrying a couple of shotguns. . .”

You are wondering why Lou Holtz is leaving his role as a football analyst with ESPN. Well, he’s 78, and as he told a Notre Dame website: “I’ve been everywhere except to bed. I’ve spoken to everybody except my wife. Somebody said, ‘Do you ever go anywhere where people don’t recognize you?’ I said, ‘Home.’ ” . . . Ian Hamilton of the Regina Leader-Post reports: “In his new book, former NFLer Phillip Buchanon claims his mother demanded $1 million from him — her fee for raising him, as it were — after he was drafted by the Oakland Raiders in 2002. That gives new meaning to ‘child support’ ” . . .

“Rassler-turned-actor Dwayne Johnson says he eats 2¼ pounds of cod a day — or 821 pounds a year,” writes Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times. “Rock cod, we presume.” . . . Centre Kendrick Perkins of the Cleveland Cavaliers took nine steps with the ball in a recent game and wasn’t called for travelling. “I have gone for runs that were shorter,” wrote Kaseberg.

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

There has never been a subscription fee for this blog, but if you enjoy stopping by here, why not consider donating to the cause? Just click HERE. . . and thank you very much.

No kidding. Did Tiger listen to Mr. Rock? . . . Filling cups at Wrigley

So many people congratulated the Calgary Flames and Winnipeg Jets for clinching “playoff births” on Thursday night that I checked the baby notices in Friday’s papers. . . . When the Jets put playoff tickets on sale, they were priced from $107.75 to $340 per game. Fans were lined up at various bank branches to apply for loans and lines of credit. . . . You are free to wonder (a) if there are any hockey fans left in Atlanta, and (b) if there are, did they shed tears when both of their former teams clinched NHL playoff spots? . . .

“Rolls Royce is coming out with an SUV,” notes Brad Dickson of the Omaha World-Herald. “Now the Porsche Cayenne will have some company in the Consumer Reports Blasphemy section.” . . . Dickson, again: “Taco Bell has made a menu change — the biscuit taco replaced the waffle taco. To Americans, this has more significance than a change on the U.S. Supreme Court.” . . .“There may be up to four new college bowl games next season,” Dickson reports, “meaning that two-thirds of FBS schools would make the postseason. ‘Bowl game participant’ now is only slightly more prestigious than ‘Kmart shopper’.” . . .

After the Chicago Cubs were beaten by the visiting St. Louis Cardinals in MLB’s season-opener last  Sunday night, Vancouver comic Torben Rolfsen tweeted: “Sabermetrics: Cubs eliminated from playoffs.” . . . “Fans of the Chicago Cubs had to pee into cups as some restrooms at Wrigley Field weren’t available due to construction issues,” reports Richmond, B.C., blogger TC Chong. “Those who drank more than a couple of beer needed to use a relief pitcher.” . . . As Ian Hamilton of the Regina Leader-Post noted: “That’s a departure for Chicago Cubs fans; usually they just cry in their beer.” . . . “You have to forgive the Cubs' bathroom problems,” claims Bill Littlejohn, our South Lake Tahoe, Calif., correspondent. “When Wrigley was built, humans had yet to develop bladders.” . . . Here’s RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com with his take on the situation: “Fans at Wrigley Field were peeing in cups because restrooms weren’t ready for Opening Day. Oh well, in the pantheon of Cubs failures, that’s just a drop in the bucket.” . . .

“In a recent ESPN.com survey of 103 PGA Tour regulars,” writes Hamilton of the Regina Leader-Post, “defending Masters champion Bubba Watson got 23 votes to top the list of golfers whom other players wouldn’t help in a fistfight. Watson obviously has done something to drive a wedge between himself and his peers. . . . That’s an interesting result. If a fight breaks out in a bar, don’t you want to be on the same side as the guy named Bubba?” . . . Brett Lawrie, the ex-Toronto Blue Jays third baseman who now is with the Oakland A’s, saw 12 pitches the other night and struck out four times. How much sleep do you think he got that night? . . . One night later, he had three hits and slept a whole lot better. . . .

“Charlie Sumner, the former Oakland Raiders defensive coach, passed Monday at age 84,” writes Ray Ratto of CSNBayArea.com, “reminding us of the best Sumner story ever – when he walked up the tunnel at the Coliseum after an exhibition game and unapologetically clocked then-49ers assistant Sam Wyche. Sometimes when you need to spark a rivalry, you need to say it with fists.” . . . Ratto, again: “Troy Polamalu is retiring after 12 years of playing lead battering ram for the Pittsburgh Steelers. Here’s hoping his post-football career is as happy for him mentally as his time playing the game. That’s not necessarily the way to bet, but it’s a worthy aspiration.” . . .

MLB is working to speed up games and there have been suggestions that teams go back to using carts to ferry in pitchers from the bullpen. Bud Shaw of the Cleveland Plain Dealer doesn’t know if that is such a good idea, adding: “I’m willing to compromise and settle for a zip line, though.” . . . “The Yankees and Red Sox engaged in a 19-inning game that lasted over seven hours,” writes Littlejohn, “and this was with one foot in the batter's box at all times.” . . . Former MLB pitcher John Smoltz remembers pitching in the wind at Wrigley Field. As he told the Detroit Free Press: “You know, when you walked outside and you saw the flag, you either had a sore arm or it was fun.” . . .

“Norwegian Cruise Lines has an ‘enhanced’ room service menu on some of their ships,” reports Janice Hough, aka The Left Coast Sports Babe. “And those menus will include a ‘convenience charge’ of up to $7.95 per order. ‘Convenience charge?!’ And many airlines are thinking, why didn’t we think of that?” . . . Here’s Hough, again: “Mercedes Benz is coming out with a pickup truck. The perfect vehicle for all those cowboy politicians who still want to pretend they can relate to the ‘common man’.” . . . Hough, one more time: “LeGarrette Blount, suspended three times at Oregon and arrested last year for marijuana possession, has now been suspended without pay for the first game of the 2015 NFL season for a ‘violation of the league’s substance abuse policy.’ This is clearly part of football’s strict ‘10 strikes and you’re out’ policy.” . . .

Kid Rock spoke with Rolling Stone and the subject was Tiger Woods, with whom he recently had hit a few balls: “Nice kid. A little bit of an Eminem and Axl Rose syndrome. Very reclusive, literal, and sometimes you feel a little bad for them. Sometimes they think the world’s against them. You gotta loosen up, man! People are gonna talk (smack). You just gotta enjoy it!” . . . If Tiger’s first three rounds at Augusta are any indication, it would seem that he was paying attention to Mr. Rock. . . .

“The Philadelphia Phillies are trotting out some gut-busting ballpark food of their own,” reports Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times. “The Wayback Burgers Triple Triple features nine patties, nine slices of cheese and 2,200 calories — all within one bun. The Milwaukee Brewers, not to be outdone, are reportedly concocting the Kaminsky Dog. It’s a 7-foot frank.” . . . After it was revealed that Minnesota Twins pitcher Ervin Santana had drawn an 80-game suspension for PED use, Perry noted: “A cynic might say he’s got to change his evil ways.”

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

There has never been a subscription fee for this blog, but if you enjoy stopping by here, why not consider donating to the cause? Just click HERE. . . and thank you very much.

Golfers living in gatored community? . . . Hot dog stuffed into a donut?

Someone at the Brisbane, Australia, Courier-Mail asked former heavyweight boxer Joe Bugner, who is 65, what it was like to punch Muhammad Ali in the face. Bugner replied: “Very difficult.” . . . “A picture of a massive alligator taken by a member of Florida’s Myakka Pines Golf Course has gone viral,” reports Richmond, B.C., blogger TC Chong. “The club’s Facebook page has generated thousands of hits a day. The club invites visitors to play the course but reminds you that its 400 399 members have priority for times.” . . . “Sounds like the exclusive club is located in a gatored community,” writes Ian Hamilton of the Regina Leader-Post. . . .

Here’s a minor league baseball culinary report from Hamilton: “The Wilmington BlueRocks are selling a hot dog (covered in bacon and raspberry jam) stuffed into a Krispy Kreme donut at concession stands this season. Meanwhile, the Wisconsin Timber Rattlers are offering a bacon cheeseburger served between two funnel cakes. Those coronary-inducing offerings could leave patrons dead at the plate.” . . . Headline at TheOnion.com: Every single NFL player traded, retired, signed, cut, re-signed over past 24 hours. . . .

“Edward Snowden’s lawyer says the NSA secrets-leaker would consider a return to the U.S. if he could be assured of getting a fair trial,” reports Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times. “Or, failing that, a live one-hour sit-down with ESPN’s Jim Gray.” . . . How big is March Madness in the U.S.? Perry informs us that, according to the American Gambling Association, “some 40 million citizens will fill out more than 70 million brackets and wager $9 billion on the upcoming NCAA basketball tournament.” . . . “For comparison’s sake,” Perry adds, “Barack Obama was the No. 1 seed on just 66 million ballots in the 2012 presidential election.” . . .

“When police pulled over a vehicle near Prince Albert, 17 people were found in the truck,” notes Cam Hutchinson of the Saskatoon Express. “My first thought was they were auditioning for the Shrine Circus.” . . . “A San Francisco man claims he is the biological son of Wilt Chamberlain,” reports Vancouver comic Torben Rolfsen. “Experts put the chances at about 1 in 20,000.” . . . Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg has made the case that “2015 has started off as a wild year. Two llamas escape, nobody can agree on the colors of a dress, and Harrison Ford has hit more fairways than Tiger Woods.” . . .


“Murray State pitcher John Lollar has an insane high leg kick,” reports contributor Bill Littlejohn. “Scouts call him half-Juan Marichal, half-Inspector Gadget.” . . . One more from Littlejohn: “Researchers from the Université Libre de Bruxelles found that the much-maligned cockroach has its own personality and even displays different character traits.I hear that one even scored a 22 on the Wonderlic test.” . . . Littlejohn, again: “Vlade Divac wants to be the NBA's new flopping czar.Wouldn't that be like putting Lance Armstrong in charge of drug testing at the Tour de France?” . . .

“If Will Ferrell wants to reach an audience larger than the army of hangers-on and star-droolers that surrounded him Thursday in Arizona,” writes Ray Ratto of CSNbayarea.com, “he should seriously crash the NFL Draft and save it from its ponderous, self-important, over-analyzed, leaden, grisly awfulness.” . . . RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com has “a work-saving tip for MLB groundskeepers. Add alcohol to your spring fertilizer — the grass will come up half-cut.” . . .

Janice Hough, aka The Left Coast Sports Babe: “Woman on a bench outside our office, talking loudly on an iPhone speaker about her business deals. So tempting to ask her to speak up a bit so we can take notes.” . . . Here’s Hough, again: “South Dakota may join Idaho, Texas, Utah and Wyoming as states with 80 mph speed limits. Interesting enough, they’re all states you might want to drive like a bat out of hell to get out of.” . . .

“As we wade into March Madness,” writes Bob Molinaro of the Hampton Roads Virginian Pilot, “the blather from ESPN's talking heads would be a little more credible if every sideline drill sergeant wasn't portrayed as an incredible motivator, committed educator, wonderful family man and someone who is only looking out for the welfare of his players. Not a dubious character in the bunch, in other words. College coaching: only geniuses and saints need apply.” . . .

“The Jets traded for receiver Brandon Marshall but still have no decent quarterback,” writes Greg Cote of the Miami Herald. “That’s like someone who can’t cook buying a great set of pots and pans.” . . . Daytime TV star Judge Judy signed on with CBS for another five years the other day. According to TV Guide, she pulls in a cool US$47 million a year. As comedian Argus Hamilton pointed out: “Only Kobe Bryant gets paid more to sit on the bench.”

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

There has never been a subscription fee for this blog, but if you enjoy stopping by here, why not consider donating to the cause? Just click HERE. . . and thank you very much.

The baddest bad guy? The meanest mean guy?

“According to the statement of claim Eric Lindros has filed in his defamation suit against former referee Paul Stewart,” writes Steve Simmons of the Toronto Sun, “Lindros was made out to be ‘unfriendly, hostile, rude, insulting, vindictive, cruel, uncharitable and generally a despicable person.’ Which I’m figuring is about five for eight.” . . . “By the way,” Simmons adds, “hands up all of you who haven’t been sued or threatened to be sued by Lindros or his family.” . . . The NHL’s Arizona Coyotes held a Rider Pride promotion on Tuesday night as they played host to the Anaheim Ducks. Attendance was announced at 11,387. Wonder if they had Pilsner available? . . . The Saskatchewan Roughriders have yet to reveal which of their 2015 home games will be designated as Coyote Pride night. . . .

“Facebook and LinkedIn are teaming up,” notes Brad Dickson of the Omaha World-Herald. “The obvious goal is to create the most annoying update known to man.” . . . Dickson also reports: “In Klamath Falls, Oregon, a house was stolen right off its foundation. This sounds like the worst neighborhood watch program ever.” . . . Headline at SportsPickle.com: Red-hot Cavs gaining confidence in that guy who thinks he’s their coach. . . .

Former Cleveland Indians manager Mike Hargrove, in conversation with the Cleveland Plain Dealer, remembers one ejection: “I threw bats and stuff out on the field. I started up the tunnel and saw a bucket that I figured had some sunflower seeds in it. I kicked it as hard as I could. Turns out it was full of water. Try kicking a five-gallon bucket of water sometime. I looked around to see if anybody saw me and just limped to my office.” . . . Whenever I watch The Dark Knight, I am always amazed by the performance turned in by the late Heath Ledger as The Joker. Is he not the baddest bad guy ever, the meanest mean guy of all-time? . . .

For what it’s worth, I agree with Vancouver Canucks general manager Jim Benning, who feels that forward Sven Baertschi was the best junior player in North America in his second season with the Portland Winterhawks. So giving up a second-round draft pick to add Baertschi is an asset well spent. I would expect Baertschi to flourish in the Canucks’ system, which is more about flow and less about the banging that the Calgary Flames do. . . . ICYMI, Keith Olbermann of ESPN served a brief suspension after getting into a Twitter dustup with some Penn State folks. As comedian Argus Hamilton put it: “Olbermann’s been fired more times than a Civil War cannon.” . . .

“Marshawn Lynch gave an interview to Turkish TV and said he expected the ball on the last Super Bowl play,” writes contributor Bill Littlejohn. “He also said, ‘I'm just here so I won't have to take the Midnight Express.’ ” . . . As Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times noted: “So, Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch won’t speak to U.S. media, but he’ll talk Turkey?” . . . “The Volo Auto Museum outside of Chicago will give away a DeLorean, just like the one used by Marty McFly in Back to the Future,” reports Littlejohn, “if the Cubs win the World Series. The bad news — someone will be sent back to 1955 in that DeLorean before the Cubs win a World Series.” . . .

“Police in Georgia recovered Travis Kvapil’s NASCAR Sprint Cup race car that had been stolen from a hotel parking lot,” Perry reports. “But, no, it wasn’t found in Hazzard County.” . . . “Brazilian soccer club Rio Claro has taken uniform monetization to the next logical step – creative butt marketing,” writes Ray Ratto of CSNbayarea.com. “Rio Claro signed an endorsement deal with the Brazilian satirical comedy YouTube channel Porta dos Fundos, and the place where the endorsement rests is across the back of the players’ shorts. And, in case you skipped Portuguese class that day, ‘Porta dos Fundos’ translates as ‘back door’. Of course it does.”

Janice Hough, aka The Left Coast Sports Babe, reports: “To eliminate some of the back-to-back games and insane road trips, the NBA is thinking of lengthening the season into July. Great, so this means the playoffs would finish the week before the start of pre-season?” . . . A note from Vancouver comic Torben Rolfsen: “After giving up three goals on four shots at home against the San Jose Sharks in his season debut, Vancouver Canucks goalie Jacob Markstrom was presented with a game puck. It was inscribed with ‘this is the one that didn't get by you.’ ” . . .

“What would you get if Kim, Khloe and Kourtney took up curling?” asks RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com. “Sweeping up with the Kardashians.” . . . According to Ian Hamilton of the Regina Leader-Post: “It has been revealed in Spain that Real Madrid star Cristiano Ronaldo sends his hairstylist to a local wax museum once a month — to brush the hair on Ronaldo’s wax likeness.” Adds Hamilton: “When it comes to Ronaldo, the rain in Spain falls mainly on the vain.”

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)










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“Michael Oher was recently cut by the (Tennessee) Titans,” writes contributor Bill Littlejohn. “Michael took the news fine, but Sandra Bullock had to be escorted off Titans property.” . . . Littlejohn, again: “Joba Chamberlain's new contract with the Detroit Tigers includes a Cy Young bonus. Isn't that like Vin Diesel's new contract including an Oscar bonus?” . . . A Littlejohn hat trick: “David Ortiz is upset over some of the new pace-of-play rules, including one where the batter has to keep one foot in the box after each pitch. Just think how upset Big Papi will be if a rule comes out speeding up home-run trots.” . . .

Ian Hamilton of the Regina Leader-Post has another idea that would help MLB speed up the process: “Give infielders and base umps a cattle prod to use on Boston Red Sox plodder David Ortiz during his home-run trots.” . . . Here’s Hamilton, again: “Media reports suggest England’s Radio 1 has banned Madonna’s songs because she’s old and irrelevant. Does that mean TV networks won’t show Tiger Woods anymore?” . . .

After a brief flurry of NHL deals on Wednesday, Ray Ratto of CSNbayarea.com wrote: “If this ruins Deadline Day, I will hate them all forever. But if it leaves all those Canadian TV guys on the set dissecting five-day-old news and literally begging teams on set to do something, anyway, my mood will be assuaged.” . . . It has to be a helpless feeling to be one of the TV hockey panelists watching all of the trade activity over the last few days. . . . What’s left for Monday’s trade deadline? No, I won’t be tuning in at 5 a.m. . . . With all of the NHL trade rumours being spewed by the talking heads these days, you have to wonder if the NHL is the leakiest ship in the navy. . . .

RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com reports: “Two Tennessee high school girls basketball teams got banned from the post-season for intentionally trying to lose a game to avoid the top seed. The first thing that gave them away? They came out in tank tops.” . . . Currie, again: “Complex Sports called Michael Jordan the most clutch player in Bulls history. Derek Rose may go down as the most crutch.” . . .

The next time you’re looking at that last strip of bacon and debating, don’t bother. Just eat it and think about Matt Stonie while you’re doing it. Matt Stonie? He’s a competitive eater and holds the world record for most strips eaten in five minutes. That would be 182. . . . Is this a great world, or what? . . . Outfielder Tyson Gillies of Kamloops, who was released last summer by the Philadelphia Phillies, is in Peoria, Ariz., with the San Diego Padres. He signed a minor-league deal with the Padres on Friday. . . .

“Donald Trump said that he is ‘more serious’ than ever about running for President in 2016,” reports Janice Hough, aka The Left Coast Sports Babe. “And Jon Stewart is thinking ‘well, maybe I can delay that retirement just a bit.’ ” . . . Finally, Manny Pacquiao and Floyd Mayweather are scheduled to climb in a ring together and duke it out. Noted ABC-TV’s Jimmy Kimmel: “I’m glad to see Manny and Floyd are finally putting aside their differences to fight.” . . . The last info I saw on tickets had the cheap seats at $3,500. That would buy a lot of bacon. . . . “If you thought the Mayweather-Pacquiao promoters couldn't get any greedier,” reports Vancouver comic Torben Rolfsen, “they've added Crosby-Dubinsky II to the undercard.” . . . One more from Rolfsen: “Rough week for Chicago sports fans: Patrick Kane injury, Derrick Rose injury, and the Cubs are back.” . . .

It was Larry King — yes, that Larry King — who tweeted this the other day: “The rat is perfectly named.” . . . Think about that for a moment. Is that a profound thought, or what? . . . I didn’t watch much of the Academy Awards, but I did get to see Lady Gaga’s tribute to The Sound of Music. Who saw that coming? . . . “What a strange world we live in,” tweets Steve Buffery of the Toronto Sun. “Everybody wants a bigger and bigger TV screen, but they don't mind watching stuff on tiny mobile devices.” . . .

“Alex Rodriguez reported to the Yankees’ spring-training complex in Tampa, Fla., three days early,” reports Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times. “Apparently clubhouse attendants needed the extra time just to haul in all his baggage.” . . . “According to Delta Dental research,” Perry notes, “kids in the U.S. received an estimated $255 million from the Tooth Fairy last year. In a related story, Alex Rodriguez still has $61 million coming from the Yanks.” . . . After A-Rod delivered that hand-written apology, and everyone laughed, Will Leitch of Sports on Earth wrote: “We have reached the point with A-Rod that everything he does is reflexively seen as venal and murderous; if A-Rod jumped on a grenade to save the President's life, the New York Post headline would be 'A-Rod Stains West Wing Carpet, Fails to Clean It Up.' ’’ . . .

“Junior hockey franchise officials are threatening to move their teams out of state if they are forced to pay players under child-labor laws,” writes Ron Judd in the Seattle Times. “Oh and they also want a new arena. And a PlayStation.” . . . One more from Judd: “Seattle is considering capping rents at $618 a month on ‘micro-apartments,’ defined as those containing less living space than the single box of a stereo speaker you owned in your 20s.” . . .

It was the late Dean Smith, the long-time head coach of the North Carolina men’s basketball team, who once said: “If you make every game a life-and death proposition, you’re going to have problems. For one thing, you’ll be dead a lot.” . . . Only in today’s NHL could Jaromir Jagr, now 43 years of age and slower than slo-motion, be traded to a team that appeared to be getting younger and faster. . . . Only in today’s NHL could David Clarkson, with one of the worst contracts in history, be traded for Nathan Horton, who has a big contract and back problems, and may never play again. . . . Yes, it’s OK to slap your forehead.

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

There has never been a subscription fee for this blog, but if you enjoy stopping by here, why not consider donating to the cause? Just click HERE. . . and thank you very much.

Are we really disgusted with Alex Rodriguez? Do we really despise other cheaters in sports? “We as a culture don’t hate cheating,” writes Ray Ratto of CSNbayarea.com. “In fact, we not only don’t hate it, we like it -– love it, in fact. Can’t get enough. In fact, based on the talking points from the last World Series and the Jackie Robinson West scandalette, we need far more cheating than we are currently getting. It has always worked for wrestling, Roller Derby and politics, and there’s no reason now that we’ve had so much fun with this last NFL season that we can’t ask for more. We’ll take all the cheating and despicable behaviour you’ve got.” . . . If you’re not aware, the recent India-Pakistan ICC World Cup match — that would be cricket, of course — drew a TV audience of about one billion people. That is about eight times larger than the Super Bowl’s viewing audience. . . .

“If recent pictures out of Florida are any indication, new Boston Red Sox third baseman Pablo Sandoval turned up at spring training slightly out of shape,” writes Ian Hamilton of the Regina Leader-Post. “The Kung Fu Panda looks more like the Kung Pao Panda.” . . . “Bill Murray hasn’t been funny on a golf course since Caddyshack in 1980,” writes Phil Mushnick of the New York Post. “Nevertheless, throughout every Pebble Beach Pro-Am, CBS finds him inescapably hilarious.” . . . A Sunday tweet from Golf.com: “When Pebble Beach opened on Feb. 22, 1919, greens fees were $2 for gentlemen and $1.50 for ladies. Today: $495.” . . .

Headline at Fark.com: When the star hits the road in a salary unload, that’s Amar’e. . . . The New York Knicks bought out what was left on Amar’e Stoudemire’s five-year, US$99 million contract, resulting in his saying that he was leaving with “a heavy heart.” Bud Shaw of the Cleveland Plain Dealer pointed out that “is probably an indication he carries his wallet in his breast pocket.” . . . “Amar’e Stoudemire wrote a goodbye poem to New York,” reports contributor Bill Littlejohn. “He was a little disappointed that he couldn't find something that rhymes with 'fire extinguisher’ “ . . . Here’s Littlejohn, again: “Danny Almonte has come to the defence of the Jackie Robinson West Little League Team. Isn't that like Kim Jong Un coming to the defence of Kanye West?” . . .

A woman in a Manhattan diner got a fish hook in her mouth as she bit into her dinner. CBS-TV’s David Letterman summed it up this way: “I hate when you go into a restaurant and you’re the catch of the day.” . . . “Let me just clear something up,” writes Brad Dickson of the Omaha World-Herald. “If you live in Colorado and your neighbor invites you over for a ‘pot roast,’ it doesn't mean the same thing as it does elsewhere.” . . . Dickson, again: “On Presidents Day, a lot of people don't work and instead sit around taking it easy. Sounds more like Vice Presidents Day. Presidents Day is when we honor the greatest leaders in American history with 30 per cent off on products that are mostly made in China.” . . .

In autographing a poster for Barack Obama, Michael Jordan misspelled the U.S. president’s name. As NBC-TV’s Jimmy Fallon pointed out, “The president made sure Jordan’s name was spelled right when he had him audited by the IRS.” . . . Brian Burke, the president of hockey operations with the Calgary Flames, isn’t much of a golf fan. As he told Calgary radio station Jack FM the other day: "I hate golf because it's slow and there's no fighting."

“An ESPN survey of NHL agents reveals the top three cities that players don’t want to go to are: 1. Edmonton; 2. Winnipeg; 3. Buffalo,” writes Richmond, B.C., blogger TC Chong. “Congratulations to Evander Kane, who is attempting to complete the trifecta.” . . . After Miss P, a beagle from Enderby, B.C., was named Best In Show at the prestigious Westminster Kennel Club show in New York, Chong reported that residents of Enderby “now are planning to change the road greeting sign to Welcome to EnderBeagle.” . . . Here’s Janice Hough, aka The Left Coast Sports Babe: “The beagle that won Best In Show at the Westminster Dog Show, and thus became ‘America’s Dog’, is actually Canadian. Another immigrant taking something away from Americans. I blame Obama.”

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

There has never been a subscription fee for this blog, but if you enjoy stopping by here, why not consider donating to the cause? Just click HERE. . . and thank you very much.

“Sharks defenseman Marc-Edouard Vlasic said he missed (last) Saturday night’s pantsing at the hands of the mostly brutal Carolina Hurricanes because of ‘a cold,’ ” writes Ray Ratto of CSNbayarea.com. “Sunday he was placed on injured reserve. In other words, what we have here officially is an ‘upper body injury linked to killer phlegm.’ Boys, we don’t mind that you lie about injuries because your players are occasionally borderline psychopaths who would try to injure already-injured players. But you have to be able to lie better than that. You just have to. Children are watching.” . . . Meanwhile, in the WHL, Kootenay Ice head coach Ryan McGill sat out two games during the week. He went from “ill” to “upper-body injury” to “general body soreness.” . . .

You sit down on a Thursday night and have a hankering to watch an NHL game. The channel guide on your TV shows you four games, all on at the same time. Winnipeg at Nashville. Toronto at the New York Islanders. Pittsburgh at Ottawa. Edmonton at Montreal is on two channels, one French and one English. Later, it’s Calgary at Los Angeles. Five games. Each featuring a Canadian team. But in Gary Bettman’s NHL every one of those games is available regionally. Which means, here in Kamloops, it was the New York Rangers at Colorado or Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives. Hey, Rogers, if you’re wondering why the ratings aren’t nearly what you thought they would be. . . .

Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times discovered an interactive soccer-related calculator at BBC.com and typed in the average U.S. salary of $43,000. This is what he got back: “Cristiano Ronaldo earns €18,200,000 ($20.9 million) per year. It would take him 18 minutes to earn your weekly salary. On your current salary, it would take you 551 years to earn Cristiano Ronaldo’s annual wage. If you had started in the year 1464 you’d almost be finished.” . . . Perry asks: “What do the Seahawks and NBC anchor Brian Williams have in common?” Perry answers: “Both would’ve been better off staying on the ground.” . . . Minor league baseball’s Akron Rubber Ducks will play host to Brian Williams’ Pants-on-Fire Night on April 27. You know you’ve made it when a baseball team is honouring you with a special night. . . .

Here’s comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: “My sports and entertainment heroes have been, roughly in order, Bill Cosby, O.J. Simpson, Bruce Jenner, Lance Armstrong, Tiger Woods, Charlie Sheen and Brian Williams. I am starting to think I might be the problem.” . . . Seattle Times desk editor Bill Kossen asks: “How many Marshawn Lynches does it take to screw in a light bulb?” Kossen's answer: “Thank you for asking.” . . . G Jackson Whistle of the Kelowna Rockets underwent an appendectomy about 10 days ago. If you have ever wondered whether that is upper or lower body, the Rockets list him as being out with a lower-body injury. . . .

“Tiger Woods withdrew with a bad back, explaining that a long wait in the fog caused his glutes to deactivate,” wrote Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle during last weekend’s PGA tournament. “First recorded case of foggy bottom. You know you’re in trouble when your ass goes south on you. Now can we declare a moratorium on discussion of any Tiger Woods body part below his waist?” . . . Jack Finarelli, The Sports Curmudgeon, chimed in with: “Personally, I wonder if this was a case of his glutes deactivating or a situation where he realized he was getting his glutes kicked.” . . .

“During a game at a recent Colorado Rockies fantasy camp,” writes Ian Hamilton of the Regina Leader-Post, “a pitcher brushed back batter Lew Dunlap. Livid, Dunlap — who’s 88 — started to charge the mound. He’s expected to arrive there sometime next week.” . . . Cardale Jones, who finished the season as Ohio State’s starting quarterback, recently spent some time visiting a children’s hospital. While there, he played the NCAA football video game with a patient. Jones later took to Twitter to clear the air. “Man, he tweeted, “I wish everyone stop saying I beat a kid in the hospital 91-35 . . . It was 98-35, had 91 with 1:26 left in the 4th.” . . .

You may have noticed New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick chatting with David Letterman on Wednesday. Perhaps you were wondering why it wasn’t Seattle Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll. According to Letterman, “We invited Pete Carroll to be on the show, but he passed.” . . . Katy Perry has told people that the NFL had almost total control over her halftime Super Bowl extravaganza. “If my calculations are correct,” noted Reggie Hayes of the Fort Wayne News-Sentinel, “that brings the total number of events that the NFL had under control this past season to one.” . . .

It says here that Dallas Stars forwards Jamie Benn and Tyler Seguin, aka The Immature Punks, should just shut up until they have accomplished off the ice what Daniel and Henrik Sedin have in Vancouver. . . . Maybe the voices in their heads made Benn and Seguin say what they said on that open mouth radio show the other day. . . . “Kanye West told Ryan Seacrest that ‘voices in my head’ told him to go on stage at the Grammys and rant against Beck,” reports Janice Hough, aka The Left Coast Sports Babe. “How come these ‘voices’ in people’s heads never tell them to sit down and shut up?” . . . Hough is getting ready for the spring planting season. “Picked up a little pot of tulips,” she tells us. “Small stick with care instructions in the soil. Ending with: ‘For decoration only. Do not consume.’ And they assume anyone dumb enough to eat tulips is smart enough to read instructions?”

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)


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