Sunday, June 7, 2015

Now those are expensive tickets . . . Jennings a happy man . . . Want to buy a urinal?





“While you are fretting over the efficacy of NBA concussion protocols,” writes Ray Ratto of CSNBayArea.com, “consider the story of New York Ranger Mats Zuccarello, who missed the end of the Rangers’ playoff run with an upper body injury that ended up being a fractured skull and brain contusion that cost him the power of speech for three days; he is still in speech therapy. I remember when that was a romantic tale of how tough hockey players are. Except that we know better now.” . . . Here’s Ratto, again: “Here’s your gilt-edged mortal lock prediction for The Finals. If there is a Game 7, some moron (or morons) will pay $183,565 for a courtside seat, because money and stupid go together like money and FIFA. And stupid.” . . . This was after he noted that the cheapest ticket available for Game 1 of the NBA Finals was priced at $638, with the most expensive $58,000. . . .

British journalist Andrew Jennings has been writing about FIFA for 15 years and played a role in all that has happened over the last couple of weeks. Here’s a summary of how he feels: “I know that they are criminal scum, and I’ve known it for years. And that is a thoughtful summation. That is not an insult. That is not throwing about wild words. These scum have stolen the people’s sport. They’ve stolen it, the cynical thieving bastards. So, yes, it’s nice to see the fear on their faces.” . . . How did Jennings react on the morning when the first FIFA arrests were made in Switzerland? “My phone started ringing at six in the morning,” he said. “I turned it off actually to get some more sleep, because whatever is happening at six in the morning is still going to be there at lunch time, isn’t it?” . . .

“Hey,” asks Ian Hamilton of the Regina Leader-Post, “did you hear that a wedding was held at FIFA headquarters the other day? The organist played ‘Here Comes the Bribe.’ ” . . . “After decades of ignoring soccer, FIFA corruption scandal front page news in U.S.,” tweets Randy Turner of the Winnipeg Free Press. “Somewhere, Gary Bettman tents his fingers and goes, ‘Hmm.’ ” . . . Headline at TheOnion.com: Sepp Blatter Resigns From FIFA With Generous Severance Bribe. . . . Another headline at TheOnion.com: Report: Underpaid migrant laborers working 18 hours per day on FIFA legal defense. . . . Headline at BorowitzReport.com: McCain urges military strikes against FIFA. . . . The Women’s World Cup opened Saturday in Canada and, as comedy writer Argus Hamilton noted, “Everything will be on sale. Soccer balls, jerseys, national flags, FIFA officials. . .”

Ron Judd, in the Seattle Times: “Now that embattled president Sepp Blatter is out of the picture, it looks like the world soccer organization, FIFA, is starting over, from scratch. Does this mean they can finally do something about the flopping?” . . . “After inadvertently washing my wallet with my clothes,” writes RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, “I’ve applied to be president of FIFA. I’m experienced at laundering money. . . .

“Police were called to a Michigan McDonald’s after it turned away a man wearing scuba gear,” Currie reports. “I carried jumper cables into a restaurant once; they warned me not to start anything.” . . . ICYMI, Caitlyn Jenner will be honoured with the Courage Award at this year’s ESPYs. Vancouver comic Torben Rolfsen wonders: “Is that for spending so many years around the Kardashians?” . . . NFL fan Mike Kozan is trying to sell a Barry Sanders-autographed urinal from the Pontiac Silverdome on eBay. As Rolfsen points out: “It includes decades of Detroit Lions Super Bowl dreams.” . . . A woman in California dropped off an Apple 1 computer that turned out to be worth US$200,000. As Richmond, B.C., blogger TC Chong pointed out: “She had no use for it, as their home office has been running just fine using a Sperry Univac and Commodore VIC-20.” . . .

“Yes, LeBron scored 44 points in Game 1,” notes Bill Littlejohn, our South Lake Tahoe, Calif., correspondent, “but he took 38 shots. 38 shots? Who was he shooting at, the Warriors or Bonnie and Clyde?” . . . Littlejohn, again: “Indian police said they detained a pigeon suspected of being a Pakistani spy after it was found to have a message stamped on its body. They released it, however, upon learning that the message translated to 'Property of Bill Belichick.’ ” . . . One more from Littlejohn: “For Game 1 of the NBA Finals, the Golden State Warriors invited a fan known only as Sweetie, who turns 105 later this month. Sweetie reportedly adopted the Warriors because she was tired of waiting for the Cubs.” . . .

“Not saying Florida isn’t exactly a hockey mecca,” claims Janice Hough, aka The Left Coast Sports Babe. “But when random Floridians were asked if they were watching the Lightning, most of them responded ‘I didn’t even hear the thunder.’ ” . . . Hough, again: “Two months into a seven-month abalone season, a sixth person has died while diving for the precious mollusk off the Northern California coast. How long until the NRA calls for divers to be armed?” . . . One more from Hough: “So if it’s a pack of wolves and a murder of crows, what do you call all these wealthy people running for President in 2016? I’m thinking ‘an embarrassment of riches.’ ”

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

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