Everyone gets bowl game . . . Who should retire? . . . Salute to Sideline Chatter

May 2017 not include me in its celebrity deaths!!! Happy New Year!

— Larry King (@kingsthings) January 2, 2017

Headline at TheKicker.com after the Cleveland Browns won their first game of the NFL season last weekend: Browns fans bruise tender hands that hadn’t clapped all year. .  .  . Also at TheKicker.com: NCAA to give every game in 2017 a ‘bowl name’ to improve ratings. . . . So there was this Christmas party in Florida where folks seemed to have a drunken time with Vanessa Barcelo, a Florida beauty-pageant winner, in attendance. She later was charged with assaulting a man with a baseball bat. As comedian Argus Hamilton put it: “If stupidity were oil, Florida would be OPEC headquarters.” . . .

“Head coach Rex Ryan was fired by the Buffalo Bills last week,” notes Richmond, B.C., blogger TC Chong. “He was canned because he didn’t fulfill his promise of taking the team to the playoffs. Rex said he tried his best, but tickets to Pittsburgh Steelers and New England Patriots games were already sold out when he tried to buy 50 of them.” . . . Chong, again: “Remember ex-Patriots running back Jonas Gray who was sent packing by New England head coach Bill Belichick because he slept in and missed a team meeting? He’s currently trying out with the Seattle Seahawks. That’s right . . . Sleepless in Seattle.” . . .

Classy move by the Bills to let Rex Ryan go while he can still get a cabinet position.

— SportsPickle (@sportspickle) December 27, 2016

“Alabama DE Dakota Ball will miss the Peach Bowl after a hunting accident in which he blew off his left index finger,” Bill Littlejohn, our South Lake Tahoe, Calif.-based correspondent, writes. “This comes despite an offer of a special glove from Jason Pierre-Paul.” . . . “For the second time, the Alabama team buses left behind offensive co-ordinator Lane Kiffin after a practice,” Littlejohn reports. “Well, it beats being thrown under the bus like he was at USC.” . . . Littlejohn, again: “The Golf Channel honoured Tiger Woods on his birthday Friday by airing a 15-hour marathon that chronicled his major championship highlights from the 1997 Masters to the 2008 U.S. Open, plus features on his life. In that case, shouldn’t there have been a couple of episodes from 'Law and Order SVU’ thrown in?” . . . And a query from Littlejohn: “After an embarrassing performance around New Year's by a once-invincible superstar, calls are coming in for her retirement. Am I talking about (a) Ronda Rousey or (b) Mariah Carey?” . . .

Congratulations @TeamBrownBC! Winners of the 2017 BC Junior Women's Curling Championship! Undefeated. https://t.co/55ezWMIj37 #curling pic.twitter.com/16DfiGs3Na

— CurlBC (@CurlBC) January 1, 2017

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The Seattle Times has chosen to (almost) bring an end to Dwight Perry’s Sideline Chatter, with had quite a run as a three-times-a-week feature. The 3,704th Sideline Chatter appeared in Friday’s paper. Starting this month, it will appear only on Sundays, which is better than Never on Sunday. . . .

In tribute to one of the best, we will close with a few of Perry’s items from last week:

Ageless — OK, 44-year-old — Jaromir Jagr of the Florida Panthers moved into second place behind Wayne Gretzky on the NHL’s all-time scoring list when a puck bounced off his butt right to a teammate for an unlikely assist.

The first congratulatory text, we assume, came from Mark Sanchez.

——

Name of the Year: Six-foot-10 Creighton basketball player Sam Dunkum.

——

UFC announced that one of Cris (Cyborg) Justino’s test samples has been flagged for a potential doping violation.

What could be an illicit substance in Cyborg? Too much STP in the 30-weight, perhaps?

——

Herbert Hayden, 81, pleaded no contest to a misdemeanor battery charge for punching a fellow competitor at the Pinellas Park, Fla., Senior Center and whacking him with a shuffleboard cue.

Hayden was ordered to pay about $1,000 in fines, fees and restitution. And just for good measure, the judge tacked on five minutes for fighting, two minutes for roughing and another two for high-sticking.

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Was Aussie race-car driver Will Power, in a previous life, a German racer named Horst?

——

Forbes has named Scarlett Johansson the top grossing star of 2016.

Only because cameras weren’t there to catch Vince Wilfork’s towel fall off in the sauna.
——

Hey, it’s great work if you can get it.

Ronda Rousey got paid $3 million to go 48 seconds in her UFC comeback Friday night — which pencils out to a tidy $225 million an hour.

——

Arkansas tight end Jeremy Sprinkle got sent home just hours before Thursday’s Belk Bowl when he got caught shoplifting — from a sponsoring Belk department store.

Or, as Razorbacks apologists prefer to put it: He had bad hands.

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at greggdrinnan@gmail.com and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

There has never been a subscription fee for this blog, but if you enjoy stopping by here, why not consider donating to the cause? Just click HERE. . . and thank you very much.

NFL? Sense of humour? . . . Bautista not big in Baltimore . . . Who is Twit of the Year?

A note from comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: “The NFL is unsure why TV ratings are down 14 per cent. But for now let’s cut to the Papa John, Nationwide, GEICO analysis of all the penalties and injuries before we cut to a commercial.” . . . “Boise State and Baylor, in case you missed it, will be paired in the Motel 6 Cactus Bowl on Dec. 27,” reports Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times. “And they will keep a light on for ya: The game doesn’t kick off until 8:15 p.m.” . . . Be honest. You tuned into that Thursday night NFL game, saw the Oakland Raiders dressed in white and thought: “I didn’t know anyone in the NFL office had a sense of humour.” . . .

A report from Bill Littlejohn, our South Lake Tahoe, Calif.-based correspondent: “A day after trading starter Chris Sale to the Boston Red Sox, the Chicago White Sox dealt outfielder Adam Eaton to the Washington Nationals. The White Sox haven’t seen this much upheaval since Disco Demolition Night.” . . . “Congrats to Mick Jagger becoming a dad again at 73,” tweeted Bette Midler. “Which reminds me, I need to pick up a pregnancy test, because I’m, like, 936 weeks late!” . . .

ICYMI, Dan Duquette, the general manager of the Baltimore Orioles, says he hasn’t attempted to sign Jose Bautista because Baltimore fans don’t like the Toronto Blue Jays outfielder. Janice Hough, aka The Left Coast Sports Babe, points out: “Well, that and maybe Bautista’s .234 batting average in 2016.” . . . “Won’t it be wonderful,” writes Cam Hutchinson of the Saskatoon Express, “if Bautista and his inflated ego have to crawl all the way back to Toronto?” . . .

Here’s Hutchinson, again: “The biggest employers in the world are the United States Department of Defence, the People’s Liberation Army in China, Walmart, McDonald’s and the Saskatchewan Roughriders. I’m guessing the Riders are still finding players in basement suites.” . . . One more from Hutchinson: “I flipped on TSN last Saturday and was treated to a U.S. college hockey game between Union, N.Y., and Quinnipiac. There is no punch line.” . . . Meanwhile, I flipped on Hockey Night in Canada on Saturday night and Cassie Campbell-Pascall was one of the analysts for a game between the Winnipeg Jets and the Flames in Calgary. She is married to one of the Flames’ assistant general managers. Hutchinson is right. There is no punch line. . . . 

Torben Rolfsen, who hosts The Rolfsen Report on TSN 1040 Vancouver on Saturday mornings, has an idea for the NHL and its Vegas franchise, which finds itself caught up in a nickname controversy. “At this point,” Rolfsen notes, “the new Vegas NHL team should just call itself the Roughriders. After all, 25 per cent of CFL teams called themselves that for decades and there was never any legal problem.” . . . Headline at Fark.com: Colts coach Chuck Pagano: ‘There’s no trophies for second place.’ Banners conspicuously not mentioned. . . .

Steve Simmons, in the Toronto Sun: “The NHL players who want Olympic participation most are the ones who won’t be playing in Korea. That way, they get two weeks off in the middle of the season. Who wouldn’t vote for that?” . . . Simmons, again: “I feel a whole lot better about Donald Trump, future president, now that Linda McMahon is involved with a significant posting (as head of Small Business Administration). Apparently, Jesse Ventura was otherwise engaged.” . . . Meanwhile, there was this reaction from Brad Dickson of the Omaha World-Herald: “What next? Director of Homeland Security Sergeant Slaughter?” . . .

“Up to 30 inches of snow was predicted for mountaintops in Hawaii,” Dickson wrote early in the week. “Let’s hope we don’t learn that Hawaii has better snow removal than Omaha.” . . . Dickson, again: “The ‘mannequin challenge’ is when someone stands motionless and doesn’t move. In Omaha, this also is sometimes called ‘road construction.’ ” . . . Time magazine has named president-elect Donald Trump its Man of the Year. To which Richmond, B.C., blogger TC Chong wrote: “Not to be outdone, Twitter is expected to name Donald its Twit of the Year.” . . .

“New York City police say a thief snatched a pot of gold off the back of an unattended armoured truck,” reports RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com. “He was last seen being pursued by three leprechauns.” . . . Currie, again: “Emma Morano, reportedly the world's oldest person at 117, credits her long life to eating two raw eggs daily. Today she lives in an old yokes home.” . . . One more from Currie: “The New York Post is questioning why the NFL has failed to address ‘crass, uncouth social-media behavior’ by players. I think we can rule out lack of evidence.” . . .

After San Antonio dropped a 95-91 decision to the Bulls in Chicago on Thursday, Spurs head coach Gregg Popovich was asked whether he had his players ready to play. His response shows why he is who he is: “Guys get a lot of money to be ready to play. No Knute Rockne speeches. It’s your job. If you’re a plumber and you don’t do your job, you don’t get any work. I don’t think the plumber needs a pep talk. If a doctor botches operations, he’s not a doctor anymore. If you’re a basketball player, you come ready. It’s called maturity. It’s your job.” . . . Following the death of Cuban dictator Fidel Castro, comedian Argus Hamilton noted: “San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick praised Castro as a great humanitarian, automatically triggering the NFL’s concussion protocol.”

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at greggdrinnan@gmail.com and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

There has never been a subscription fee for this blog, but if you enjoy stopping by here, why not consider donating to the cause? Just click HERE. . . and thank you very much.

NFL should spin goal posts . . . No Rush to get to Saskatoon . . . Marlins like paying managers

You may have heard that the IOC has stripped the U.S. men’s 4x100-metre team of its silver medal from the 2012 London Olympic Games because of Tyson Gay’s doping suspension. As Ian Hamilton of the Regina Leader-Post writes: “Good work, IOC: The Americans took 37.04 seconds to finish the race and you took nearly three years to catch up to them.” . . . . New York Yankees starter Chase Whitley is to become the 16th major league pitcher this season to undergo reconstructive surgery to repair an injury to the ulnar collateral ligament in his throwing arm. “The procedure has become so prevalent,” Hamilton notes, “it seems like it’s being done on every Tommy John, Dick and Harry.” . . .

If you didn’t hear, the pooh-bahs at Wimbledon have decided to ban selfie sticks. “Great,” noted Brad Dickson of the Omaha World-Herald. “Now what’s the Queen supposed to do between sets?” . . . Too bad the pooh-bahs at the French Open didn’t get the memo. . . . Here’s Dickson, again: “Warren Buffett said he began playing ukulele in college to impress a girl. A ukulele to impress a girl? Were all of the oboes checked out? Now that he's acquired some $72 billion, I'm thinking she's impressed.” . . . “The Portage Terriers won the RBC Cup,” reports RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, “ending Manitoba’s Junior A hockey championship drought dating back to 1974. Or as the Chicago Cubs call it, just yesterday.” . . .

After the NFL made a rules adjustment, Ray Ratto of CSNBayArea noted: “The only extra-point rule change that would have meant anything is spinning the goal posts during the kick so it's more like miniature golf.” . . . Here’s Ratto on head coach Mike Babcock’s decision to sign with the Toronto Maple Leafs: “He’ll be tunnelling back to Michigan by Christmas.” . . . That’s an interesting on-air crew that ESPN is using for the NBA’s Western Conference final between the Golden State Warriors and Houston Rockets. Analyst Mark Jackson was fired as Golden State’s head coach, while Jeff Van Gundy, the other analyst, once got gunned by the Rockets. . . .

There is speculation that the NLL’s Edmonton Rush is going to end up in Saskatoon. Cam Hutchinson of the Saskatoon Express doesn’t think that’s a good idea: “Professional lacrosse will not work in Saskatoon. Period. End of story. Teams in Buffalo and Colorado attract 16,000 people to their games. Calgary averages approximately 12,000. Edmonton had 7,000 at a game last week and is kicking tires for a new home.” . . . According to Hutchinson, “Nickelback is wanted in Australia for ‘crimes against music.’ Isn’t this the country that gave us Air Supply?” . . .  Has anyone told fans of the Edmonton Oilers that they didn’t win the Stanley Cup on Tuesday when Todd McLellan was introduced as their head coach? . . . Of course, the Maple Leafs won the Stanley Cup on Wednesday — didn’t they? — with the signing of Babcock as their latest head coach. . . . Forgotten in the champagne and caviar and releasing of balloons is that the Oilers missed the playoffs this season. By 36 points. The Leafs? They were 30 points out. . . .

“So do we finally have the real thing in American Pharoah?” wonders Bill Littlejohn, our South Lake Tahoe, Calif., correspondent. “Or will the Belmont Stakes turn yet another Triple Crown contender into Sam the Sham?” . . . You may have heard that Russian President Vladimir Putin scored eight times in an exhibition hockey game that featured a number of retired stars. As Littlejohn points out: “So much for Mitt Romney and his fight against Evander Holyfield” and “It was captured for posterity by the same photographer who caught Mao swimming the Yangtze.” . . . “Dwyane Wade reportedly wore three outfits at his wedding,” according to Littlejohn. “Was the wedding planner an Oregon Duck grad?” . . .

“Vladimir Putin just gave back Robert Kraft’s Super Bowl ring,” reports comedian Argus Hamilton, “saying if a team can’t play by the rules, it isn’t worth having.” . . . Headline at SportsPickle.com: Study: All the games you fall asleep watching have awesome finishes. . . . “Former Baltimore Ravens LB Ray Lewis will release a memoir,” notes Vancouver comic Torben Rolfsen. “Will the publisher be DC or Marvel?” . . .

“History will be made when the new span connecting Detroit to Windsor is named in honour of hockey great Gordie Howe,” writes Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times. “It’s believed to be the first Howe-inspired bridge that wasn’t installed by a dentist.” . . . Here’s Richmond, B.C., blogger TC Chong: “A new bridge connecting Detroit to Windsor will be named after Gordie Howe. Calgary already has a street named after Gordie. It’s Elbow Drive.” . . . One more from Chong: “Newly hired Maple Leafs coach Mike Babcock called the Leafs ‘Canada’s Team’ in his first press conference. Babcock seems to be confused — somebody please tell him that he’s the head coach of Toronto, not Canada’s Olympic team.” . . .

The Miami Marlins fired manager Mike Redmond last Sunday. They ended up putting general manager Dan Jennings in the dugout as the manager. Because they still are paying Ozzie Guillen, who was fired after the 2012 season, the Marlins now have three managers on their payroll. We should also mention that they dumped catcher Jarrod Saltalamacchia the other day. They still owe him US$14 million. . . . Now let’s not shed any tears for Miami owner Jeffrey Loria, whose fingerprints, you may recall, were all over the demise of the Montreal Expos. . . . In 20 years with the New York Yankees, Derek Jeter played for three managers. Giancarlo Stanton first played for the Miami Marlins five years ago. He now is playing for his seventh manager — Jennings. . . .

“Police said they found about 1,000 weapons at the Twin Peaks restaurant in Waco after the shootout last weekend,” reports Janice Hough, aka The Left Coast Sports Babe. “Well, gosh, I can certainly see why Texas lawmakers are pushing to loosen the state’s gun laws.” . . . Here’s Hough, again: “A Norwegian Cruise Line ship that ran aground in Bermuda has been refloated. No word on what NCL might do regarding compensation for the passengers. If it was an airline, it would probably charge for an extra stop.”

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

There has never been a subscription fee for this blog, but if you enjoy stopping by here, why not consider donating to the cause? Just click HERE. . . and thank you very much.

Golfers living in gatored community? . . . Hot dog stuffed into a donut?

Someone at the Brisbane, Australia, Courier-Mail asked former heavyweight boxer Joe Bugner, who is 65, what it was like to punch Muhammad Ali in the face. Bugner replied: “Very difficult.” . . . “A picture of a massive alligator taken by a member of Florida’s Myakka Pines Golf Course has gone viral,” reports Richmond, B.C., blogger TC Chong. “The club’s Facebook page has generated thousands of hits a day. The club invites visitors to play the course but reminds you that its 400 399 members have priority for times.” . . . “Sounds like the exclusive club is located in a gatored community,” writes Ian Hamilton of the Regina Leader-Post. . . .

Here’s a minor league baseball culinary report from Hamilton: “The Wilmington BlueRocks are selling a hot dog (covered in bacon and raspberry jam) stuffed into a Krispy Kreme donut at concession stands this season. Meanwhile, the Wisconsin Timber Rattlers are offering a bacon cheeseburger served between two funnel cakes. Those coronary-inducing offerings could leave patrons dead at the plate.” . . . Headline at TheOnion.com: Every single NFL player traded, retired, signed, cut, re-signed over past 24 hours. . . .

“Edward Snowden’s lawyer says the NSA secrets-leaker would consider a return to the U.S. if he could be assured of getting a fair trial,” reports Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times. “Or, failing that, a live one-hour sit-down with ESPN’s Jim Gray.” . . . How big is March Madness in the U.S.? Perry informs us that, according to the American Gambling Association, “some 40 million citizens will fill out more than 70 million brackets and wager $9 billion on the upcoming NCAA basketball tournament.” . . . “For comparison’s sake,” Perry adds, “Barack Obama was the No. 1 seed on just 66 million ballots in the 2012 presidential election.” . . .

“When police pulled over a vehicle near Prince Albert, 17 people were found in the truck,” notes Cam Hutchinson of the Saskatoon Express. “My first thought was they were auditioning for the Shrine Circus.” . . . “A San Francisco man claims he is the biological son of Wilt Chamberlain,” reports Vancouver comic Torben Rolfsen. “Experts put the chances at about 1 in 20,000.” . . . Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg has made the case that “2015 has started off as a wild year. Two llamas escape, nobody can agree on the colors of a dress, and Harrison Ford has hit more fairways than Tiger Woods.” . . .


“Murray State pitcher John Lollar has an insane high leg kick,” reports contributor Bill Littlejohn. “Scouts call him half-Juan Marichal, half-Inspector Gadget.” . . . One more from Littlejohn: “Researchers from the Université Libre de Bruxelles found that the much-maligned cockroach has its own personality and even displays different character traits.I hear that one even scored a 22 on the Wonderlic test.” . . . Littlejohn, again: “Vlade Divac wants to be the NBA's new flopping czar.Wouldn't that be like putting Lance Armstrong in charge of drug testing at the Tour de France?” . . .

“If Will Ferrell wants to reach an audience larger than the army of hangers-on and star-droolers that surrounded him Thursday in Arizona,” writes Ray Ratto of CSNbayarea.com, “he should seriously crash the NFL Draft and save it from its ponderous, self-important, over-analyzed, leaden, grisly awfulness.” . . . RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com has “a work-saving tip for MLB groundskeepers. Add alcohol to your spring fertilizer — the grass will come up half-cut.” . . .

Janice Hough, aka The Left Coast Sports Babe: “Woman on a bench outside our office, talking loudly on an iPhone speaker about her business deals. So tempting to ask her to speak up a bit so we can take notes.” . . . Here’s Hough, again: “South Dakota may join Idaho, Texas, Utah and Wyoming as states with 80 mph speed limits. Interesting enough, they’re all states you might want to drive like a bat out of hell to get out of.” . . .

“As we wade into March Madness,” writes Bob Molinaro of the Hampton Roads Virginian Pilot, “the blather from ESPN's talking heads would be a little more credible if every sideline drill sergeant wasn't portrayed as an incredible motivator, committed educator, wonderful family man and someone who is only looking out for the welfare of his players. Not a dubious character in the bunch, in other words. College coaching: only geniuses and saints need apply.” . . .

“The Jets traded for receiver Brandon Marshall but still have no decent quarterback,” writes Greg Cote of the Miami Herald. “That’s like someone who can’t cook buying a great set of pots and pans.” . . . Daytime TV star Judge Judy signed on with CBS for another five years the other day. According to TV Guide, she pulls in a cool US$47 million a year. As comedian Argus Hamilton pointed out: “Only Kobe Bryant gets paid more to sit on the bench.”

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

There has never been a subscription fee for this blog, but if you enjoy stopping by here, why not consider donating to the cause? Just click HERE. . . and thank you very much.

The baddest bad guy? The meanest mean guy?

“According to the statement of claim Eric Lindros has filed in his defamation suit against former referee Paul Stewart,” writes Steve Simmons of the Toronto Sun, “Lindros was made out to be ‘unfriendly, hostile, rude, insulting, vindictive, cruel, uncharitable and generally a despicable person.’ Which I’m figuring is about five for eight.” . . . “By the way,” Simmons adds, “hands up all of you who haven’t been sued or threatened to be sued by Lindros or his family.” . . . The NHL’s Arizona Coyotes held a Rider Pride promotion on Tuesday night as they played host to the Anaheim Ducks. Attendance was announced at 11,387. Wonder if they had Pilsner available? . . . The Saskatchewan Roughriders have yet to reveal which of their 2015 home games will be designated as Coyote Pride night. . . .

“Facebook and LinkedIn are teaming up,” notes Brad Dickson of the Omaha World-Herald. “The obvious goal is to create the most annoying update known to man.” . . . Dickson also reports: “In Klamath Falls, Oregon, a house was stolen right off its foundation. This sounds like the worst neighborhood watch program ever.” . . . Headline at SportsPickle.com: Red-hot Cavs gaining confidence in that guy who thinks he’s their coach. . . .

Former Cleveland Indians manager Mike Hargrove, in conversation with the Cleveland Plain Dealer, remembers one ejection: “I threw bats and stuff out on the field. I started up the tunnel and saw a bucket that I figured had some sunflower seeds in it. I kicked it as hard as I could. Turns out it was full of water. Try kicking a five-gallon bucket of water sometime. I looked around to see if anybody saw me and just limped to my office.” . . . Whenever I watch The Dark Knight, I am always amazed by the performance turned in by the late Heath Ledger as The Joker. Is he not the baddest bad guy ever, the meanest mean guy of all-time? . . .

For what it’s worth, I agree with Vancouver Canucks general manager Jim Benning, who feels that forward Sven Baertschi was the best junior player in North America in his second season with the Portland Winterhawks. So giving up a second-round draft pick to add Baertschi is an asset well spent. I would expect Baertschi to flourish in the Canucks’ system, which is more about flow and less about the banging that the Calgary Flames do. . . . ICYMI, Keith Olbermann of ESPN served a brief suspension after getting into a Twitter dustup with some Penn State folks. As comedian Argus Hamilton put it: “Olbermann’s been fired more times than a Civil War cannon.” . . .

“Marshawn Lynch gave an interview to Turkish TV and said he expected the ball on the last Super Bowl play,” writes contributor Bill Littlejohn. “He also said, ‘I'm just here so I won't have to take the Midnight Express.’ ” . . . As Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times noted: “So, Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch won’t speak to U.S. media, but he’ll talk Turkey?” . . . “The Volo Auto Museum outside of Chicago will give away a DeLorean, just like the one used by Marty McFly in Back to the Future,” reports Littlejohn, “if the Cubs win the World Series. The bad news — someone will be sent back to 1955 in that DeLorean before the Cubs win a World Series.” . . .

“Police in Georgia recovered Travis Kvapil’s NASCAR Sprint Cup race car that had been stolen from a hotel parking lot,” Perry reports. “But, no, it wasn’t found in Hazzard County.” . . . “Brazilian soccer club Rio Claro has taken uniform monetization to the next logical step – creative butt marketing,” writes Ray Ratto of CSNbayarea.com. “Rio Claro signed an endorsement deal with the Brazilian satirical comedy YouTube channel Porta dos Fundos, and the place where the endorsement rests is across the back of the players’ shorts. And, in case you skipped Portuguese class that day, ‘Porta dos Fundos’ translates as ‘back door’. Of course it does.”

Janice Hough, aka The Left Coast Sports Babe, reports: “To eliminate some of the back-to-back games and insane road trips, the NBA is thinking of lengthening the season into July. Great, so this means the playoffs would finish the week before the start of pre-season?” . . . A note from Vancouver comic Torben Rolfsen: “After giving up three goals on four shots at home against the San Jose Sharks in his season debut, Vancouver Canucks goalie Jacob Markstrom was presented with a game puck. It was inscribed with ‘this is the one that didn't get by you.’ ” . . .

“What would you get if Kim, Khloe and Kourtney took up curling?” asks RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com. “Sweeping up with the Kardashians.” . . . According to Ian Hamilton of the Regina Leader-Post: “It has been revealed in Spain that Real Madrid star Cristiano Ronaldo sends his hairstylist to a local wax museum once a month — to brush the hair on Ronaldo’s wax likeness.” Adds Hamilton: “When it comes to Ronaldo, the rain in Spain falls mainly on the vain.”

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)










There has never been a subscription fee for this blog, but if you enjoy stopping by here, why not consider donating to the cause? Just click HERE. . . and thank you very much.

A quiz from Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times: “Seahawks fans will remember the ill-fated goal-line pass in the final seconds of Super Bowl XLIX as: a) Picked and Rolled; b) The Wrongest Yard; c) The Agony of Deflate.” . . . “Amazing that Russell Wilson is receiving virtually zero blame for the Interception Heard Round the World,” writes Bob Molinaro of the Hampton Roads Virginia-Pilot. “I’m not making him out to be the goat, but had his pass been lower and not so far in front of Ricardo Lockette, it’s less likely the ball would have been picked off. Some guys get – maybe earn – special treatment after they make a crucial mistake. Fair enough. But if Tony Romo had turned the ball over at the goal line like that in the Super Bowl, he’d be assuming a false identity and moving to Latvia.” . . .

“The Vancouver Canucks have called up rookie Latvian forward Ronalds Kenins, who has already scored two goals in three games,” noted Richmond, B.C., blogger TC Chong earlier this week. “Ronalds says the Canucks looks like they can use all the helps they can gets.” . . . The WHL held its winter meetings in Las Vegas earlier this month. One supposes that all the hotels in Lethbridge, Moose Jaw, Swift Current, Prince Albert, Brandon, etc., were booked, thus forcing the pooh-bahs to go south. . . . Headline at TheOnion.com: New NCAA regulations prohibit student-athletes from studying more than 30 hours per week. . . .

Comedian Argus Hamilton had this take on Deflategate: “(New England Patriots owner) Bob Kraft referred questions about deflated footballs to Bill Belichick, who denied all wrongdoing and blamed Tom Brady, who denied wrongdoing and blamed the ballboys, who might rat out everyone. We baby boomers loved it. For one beautiful day, Nixon was still president and we were all young again.” . . . “The Chicago Cubs’ renovation of Wrigley Field has caused a huge neighbourhood rat infestation,” reports comedy writer Alex Kaseberg. “The good news? They’re Cubs rats, so they’ll be gone by October.” . . .

“As for Warren Sapp’s arrest,” writes Ray Ratto of CSNbayarea.com, “not paying for two hookers he apparently had employed for his own post-Super Bowl party will not help his credit rating, and not just with the International Fille de Joie Workers Guild, especially given that he filed for bankruptcy three years ago. Unpaid debts are a real red flag there, Skippy. On the other hand, Pete Carroll and Johnny Manziel both appreciate Sapp’s effort on their behalf.” . . . Here’s Ratto, again: “It’s an old saying, but an occasionally apt one, so when (head coach) Todd McLellan said the Sharks, who gave away a point to the hideous Edmontons on Monday night, ‘didn’t have the piss and vinegar that it takes to win,’ we elders knew to what he was referring. That said, a lot of the team’s younger players were afraid just what kind of energy drinks they would be offered at Tuesday’s practice.” . . .

On July 27, 2011, shortly after Eric Weddle signed with the San Diego Chargers, Sapp tweeted: “8 million a year for a safety you couldn’t pick out of a lineup!” . . . On Tuesday, after Sapp’s arrest, Weddle fired back: “Thank you for the motivation the last 4 yrs. I really appreciated it. #whoisinthelineupnow.” . . . Liquidation sales began at Target stores on Thursday. Had some of the bargain-seekers who showed up been even semi-regular Target shoppers, all of the employees might still have jobs there a year from now. . . .

The Philippines is the call-centre capital of the world but, as Torben Rolfsen, the host of The Rolfsen Report on TSN 1040 Vancouver, points out: “And still Mayweather and Pacquaio have trouble communicating.” . . . Here’s Rolfsen, again: “NBC News anchor Brian Williams recanted his story about coming under fire on a helicopter in Iraq. He now says it was Lance Armstrong's girlfriend.” . . . Janice Hough, aka The Left Coast Sports Babe, asks: “Anyone but me want to see Lance Armstrong play against Brian Williams in a rousing game of Liar’s Dice?” . . .

“Orange News says Beijing police questioned a man who rode the subway wearing a watermelon mask,” reports RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com. “All they got was his name, rank and Mosaic Stadium seat number.” . . . “How about the drama surrounding the Winnipeg Jets?” asks Currie. “Throw in Humphrey Bogart, and you’d have the Kane Mutiny.” . . . If you weren’t aware, Sports Illustrated has laid off all of its staff photographers. Which means, as comedy writer Tim Hunter points out, that “this year’s Swimsuit Issue could be entirely selfies.” . . . Just wondering, but how is it still Sports Illustrated if it has dumped all of its photographers? . . .

“Tiger Woods has withdrawn from the PGA Tour’s Farmers Insurance Open, leaving midway through the first round with a back injury,” notes The Left Coast Sports Babe. “So over at ESPN, they no longer have to worry this weekend about covering golf.” . . . It seems to me that Woods’ body simply has broken down. Could it be that we have seen the last of him in the top 50? Top 100?. . . “I think it's time for Randy Carlyle to be considered for coach of the year,” tweets Bruce Penton of the Medicine Hat News. . . . A tweet from Ken Campbell of The Hockey News: “Just looking at Martin Brodeur's draft year in 1990. He outscored four skaters taken in the first round of that draft. Had 47 career points.” . . .

Headline at fark.com: British boxer Ricky Hatton’s house robbed after he tweeted he’d be out of town for the weekend / He really telegraphed that one. . . . Letroy Guion, a defensive tackle with the Greent Bay Packers, is facing marijuana- and gun-related charges. As comedy writer Alan Ray noted: “The NFL will follow its routine judicial protocol — Innocent until proven a liability.”

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

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Who knew there was a National Bobblehead Hall of Fame and Museum? Well, there isn’t just yet. But organizers are searching for the right location in Milwaukee and hope to have it open in 2016. . . . After the Miami Marlins signed slugger Giancarlo Stanton to that huge contract, Greg Cote of the Miami Herald chimed in with: “A 13-year, $325-million contract means Stanton will ‘earn’ $68,493 per day, year round, before taxes. That’s $2,854 per hour, nonstop, around the clock. That’s $48 a minute. In the time it took you to read the preceding few (lines), I think Stanton just made enough money to buy the Bahamas.” . . .

The WHL’s Saskatoon Blades held a Pucks and Paws night recently, after which RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com wrote: “Summing up Saskatoon's 8-7 OT loss at home to the (Swift Current) Broncos on Pucks & Paws night: 3. A bark-and-forth thriller; 2. Blades late equalizer sends crowd through the woof; 1. Losing in overtime simply arf-ful.” . . . One more from Currie: “Matt Damon confirmed he’ll return once more as agent Jason Bourne. Three suggested titles: 3. The Bourne Inability; 2. Bourne Again; 1. The Bourne Seniority.” . . .

After Tiger Woods kicked it around during his return to competitive golf on Thursday, ESPN’s headline read: Tiger 11 behind leader Spieth. . . . As Janice Hough, aka The Left Coast Sports Babe, noted: “11 behind doesn’t sound great. But guess it’s better than saying it another way, that Tiger Woods is last in an 18-man field.” . . . The afore-mentioned Currie writes: “Lindsey Vonn returned to competitive skiing in Alberta while boyfriend Tiger Woods returned to competitive golf in Florida. Of the two, Tiger is going downhill faster.” . . .

Craig MacTavish, the general manager of the Edmonton Oilers, held a news conference Friday morning to discuss the state of his team’s union. The president of the United States should get such media attention when he discusses the state of his country’s union. . . . As Cam Hutchinson of the Saskatoon Express put it: “Craig MacTavish called a news conference to say the Edmonton Oilers suck, but will continue down the same path that makes them suck.” . . . MacTavish spent 30 minutes saying a whole lot of nothing, but that didn’t stop Sportsnet, with all those channels to fill with content, from replaying the news conference later in the evening. . . .

“After a round of online voting, the Fictitious Athlete Hall of Fame has announced its Class of 2014,” reports Ian Hamilton of the Regina Leader-Post. “Joining 2013 inductee Rocky Balboa in the Hall are Crash Davis (of Bull Durham fame), Roy Hobbs (The Natural) and Ricky (Wild Thing) Vaughn (Major League). Better luck next year to the biggest work of fiction in sports history, Barry Bonds.” . . . The price of a gallon of gas has fallen more than $1.50 over the past six months. As comedian Argus Hamilton notes: “Hummers have resumed playing soccer on Sunset Boulevard, with Smart Cars as the ball.” . . .

“Jazz center Enes Kanter will wear a Santa hat and hang out with underprivileged kids in an event called ‘Kanter Klaus,’ ” reports Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times. “The L.A. Angels, not to be outdone, are bringing back Bobby to host the Grich That Stole Christmas.” . . . One more from Perry: “Only in soccer: Seattle’s Sounders FC ties 0-0 in its final first-round MLS playoff game and advances. Then it wins its final second-round playoff game 2-1 and gets eliminated.” . . . Here’s Perry, again: “Boston University handed out tubes of Crest toothpaste when its hockey team hosted Colgate. Just be glad the Terriers don’t get to schedule Marlboro College.” . . .

In case you missed it, actor Mickey Rourke was back in the ring the other day, beating up an opponent 33 years younger than he is. As Vancouver comic Torben Rolfsen pointed out: “Don't the San Antonio Spurs do that every week?” . . . Contributor Bill Littlejohn claims that the 62-year-old Rourke’s “prize move was the Ali Shuffleboard.” . . . “Big week for NASA,” scribbled Ron Judd of the Seattle Times, “whose successful launch and recovery of the Orion space capsule proved beyond a shadow of a doubt we’re halfway back to the capabilities of the Apollo program of 50 years ago.” . . .

Just the other day, Jack Gangwish, a defensive end with the Nebraska Cornhuskers, saw a raccoon on the side of a road so, yes, he decided to take a selfie with it. Yes, the raccoon bit Gangwish, who promptly killed it with a wrench. The raccoon is being tested for rabies, which resulted in Gangish tweeting: “I googled Rabies symptoms. Irritability, muscle spasms, aggressiveness, confusion? I think football gives you Rabies.” . . . It doesn’t appear that NFL teams are in a hurry to sign running back Ray Rice, who on appeal has had his NFL-imposed suspension lifted. “Rice is available to be signed by any NFL team,” noted comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, “but many teams have opted to buy a 10-foot pole instead.”

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

Comedian Argus Hamilton has been keeping a close eye on the Cleveland Browns’ training camp. One day last week, Hamilton filed this report: “Yesterday afternoon, Johnny Manziel got blitzed, but then he got up, left the strip club and came straight to practice.” . . . There is a move afoot in Ohio to have LeBron James license plates produced for the general public. “They’d be made,” notes contributor Bill Littlejohn, “by incarcerated Cincinnati Bengals.” . . .

“I have said since the day the votes were counted that putting Tony LaRussa in the Hall of Fame is a travesty,” writes Jack Finarelli, aka The Sports Curmudgeon. “His plaque should have the likeness of Sgt. Schultz on it.” . . . You are a real fan of the Montreal Canadiens if you knew that P.K. Subban’s initials stand for Pernell Karl. . . . “According to a University of California study, 65 per cent of NBA players pass gas on court,” reports RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com. “Except Kobe Bryant, who never passes anything.” . . . Here’s Currie, again: “Happy 37th Birthday Tom Brady — NFL quarterback, winner of three Super Bowls and married to a supermodel who earns $47 million a year. Good luck finding him a gift.” . . .

Peter Robinson, who tweets at @PRGolfWriter and knows a thing or two about golf, summed up the state of the PGA Tour in a four-word tweet: “Tiger Was, Rory Is.” . . . A Wednesday tweet from columnist Cam Cole of the Vancouver Sun, who is in Louisville, Ky., for the PGA Championship: “In PGA merchandise tent today: Tiger's scripted Nike outfits next to Rory's. Rory's Sunday shirts are sold out. Plenty of Tiger's left.” . . . If you’re a southpaw, you will be aware that Wednesday is International Lefthanders Day. What’s it all about? Well, here is part of the entry from Wikipedia: “Thousands of left-handed people are discriminated (against) in today’s society, are forced to use right-handed tools, drive on the right side of the road and even get harassed. International Lefthanders Day is made to end this discrimination.” . . .

Ron Judd, writing in the Seattle Times: “Attention, Local TV Weather People: Basking in the faux glory of the long run of insufferably hot, dry, miserable weather makes a lot of us locals like you much less.” . . . In recent days, I have spent time in Kelowna -- no, we won’t mention the traffic -- and Bellingham, Wash. I now am trying to figure out if I saw more Alberta plates in Kelowna than B.C. plates in Bellingham. . . . The San Francisco 49ers will play NFL games in the new Levi’s Stadium starting with this season. Standing room tickets will set you back $75 or $50. Why the difference? “For $75,” reports Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle, “you get to stand on both feet.” . . . Here’s Ostler, after ESPN The Magazine published its Body Issue: “If players pose stark naked for a national magazine, how come after a game I have to wait 15 minutes for them to get fully dressed before I can ask them questions?” . . .

Bob Irving, the long-time radio voice of the Winnipeg Blue Bombers, asked head coach Mike O’Shea what he thinks when he wakes up and looks at the CFL standings. “I don’t look at standings,” O’Shea responded. “I look at my wife.” . . . Safe answer, Mike. . . . The Center for Science in the Public Interest held a contest to determine the “most unhealthy food in America.” Three of the top (or bottom) nine came from the Cheesecake Factory. Farfelle with Chicken and Roasted Garlic came in at 2,410 calories, and that was without the cheesecake. . . .

Don't think for one second that there is anything that happens in a Major League Baseball game that isn’t charted. For example, right-hander Brandon McCarthy threw seven innings for the host New York Yankees against the Detroit Tigers on Monday night. During that game, according to Katie Sharp, who writes for It's About The Money, Stupid, “the Tigers hit 38 foul balls off McCarthy, the most fouls against any pitcher in a single game this season." . . . In that same game, McCarthy got 17 outs -- eight strike outs, eight ground balls and one lineout to third base. . . . “Police were able to apprehend a six-year-old boy (with autism) who managed to drive his toy ATV onto the Bronx River Parkway in New York,” reports Janice Hough, aka The Left Coast Sports Babe. “The boy was not injured. And no doubt he probably wasn’t close to being the worst driver on the highway.” . . .

There are rumbles out there that Canada may want to get in on the bidding to play host to soccer’s 2016 World Cup. At the moment, Canada’s men’s team is ranked 115th in the universe. “This,” suggests Vancouver comic Torben Rolfsen, “would be like Utah hosting the World Beer Games.” . . . Here’s Dwight Perry, in the Seattle Times: “Starring in California’s best slow-speed police chase since O.J.: a 150-pound fleeing tortoise, clocked at speeds of up to 1 mph. Apparently, the Alhambra cops nabbed him at a shell station.”

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

There has never been a subscription fee for this blog, but if you enjoy stopping by here, why not consider donating to the cause? Just click HERE. . . and thank you very much.