Going squirrelly in Green Bay . . . Vikes are who we thought they were . . . Epstein dines on goat

Here is Ray Ratto of CSN Bay Area, after the U.S. election: “How this chapter in American history turns out is anyone’s guess, depending on the cheeriness of one’s outlook. Perhaps there is a Trump we haven’t seen yet, one who can work the milieu of anger as fuel, one who can actually grow from the man whose catch phrase meant unemployment. Nobody believes that now, though, and whether the lesson is how far we have fallen as a nation, how uncivil we have become in our daily discourse, or whether we have lost the right to buy into our own loftier impression of ourselves, we are now naked and raw as a nation, stripped of the layers of our illusions, and a nasty winter is coming on.” . . . 

You may have noticed that the NHL scheduled the first head-to-head meeting between Connor McDavid and Sidney Crosby for last Tuesday, which was election night in the U.S. “What?” stated Torben Rolfsen, who hosts The Rolfsen Report on TSN 1040 Vancouver on Saturday mornings. “The Super Bowl time slot wasn’t available.” . . . One more from Rolfsen: “Gary Bettman must be thrilled that the faces of the NHL for the next 10-15 years are in Toronto, Edmonton and Winnipeg.” . . . Rolfsen watched an NFL game the other night and noted: “There was a squirrel on the loose at Lambeau Field during Colts-Packers. It was gathering cheese and beer for the winter.” . . .

While dining out on Wednesday night, I happened to glance at a TV set and noticed that there were anti-Trump protests going on in at least seven American cities. My first thought: It’s too late America; you should have thought about that before Tuesday. . . . Here’s Bob Molinaro of the Hampton Roads Virginian-Pilot with a pre-election note: “My polling place is at the Norfolk Zoo. Considering this election year, that seems fitting to me.” . . . Headline at SportsPickle.com: Vikes honor Dennis Green by being who we thought they were. . . . “Not saying the Minnesota Vikings field-goal kicker is cursed,” writes RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, “but he’s just a hand-held camera away from the Blair Walsh Project.” . . . Currie, again: “For years my vegetable of choice was broccoli. Then I heard John Lennon on the radio and decided to give peas a chance.” . . .

The NFL is concerned with tumbling TV ratings so it gives us the Cleveland Browns on a Thursday night. Now that’s funny. . . . Here’s Richmond, B.C., blogger TC Chong on the NFL’s concern: “Really? Hey, let’s put Cleveland-Baltimore on national TV this week, and get more of those 7:30 a.m. games from London, England.” . . . ICYMI, tight end Travis Kelce of the Kansas City Chiefs picked up 30 yards in penalties and an ejection after taking a hand towel from his waistband and throwing it in the direction of an on-field official. So what did Kelce learn from the incident? “I can’t throw my flag at the ref, but he can throw his all day long.” . . . 

The Nebraska Cornhuskers had Wisconsin and Ohio State in back-to-back games recently. As Brad Dickson of the Omaha World-Herald noted: “The last time someone had a road test this stiff, it was Lewis and Clark.” . . . Bill Littlejohn, our South Lake Tahoe, Calif., correspondent with a note from the U.S. election: “After holding a lead in all of the major polls heading into the election, Hillary Clinton lost to Donald Trump in one of the most shocking of upsets. And you thought the Giants' bullpen collapsed against the Cubs.” . .

Jack Finarelli, aka The Sports Curmudgeon, had some fun with words the other day. For example, he came up with Kaepernicking and defined it thusly: “In honor of Colin Kaepernick, this word could come to mean drawing attention to oneself when one’s performance is insufficient to do so.” . . . That got Finarelli to wondering: “If Tiger Woods were to withdraw from the Hero World Challenge – as he did from the last tournament he said he would play in – how close would that bring him to ‘Kaepernicking?’ ” . . . Tuned into the Thursday night NHL game between the Vancouver Canucks and the host Detroit Red Wings. Was blown away by — wait for it! — the number of empty seats in the Joe. I guess Detroit no longer is Hockeytown USA. . . . 

Headline at Fark.com: Bud Black named as the next manager the Colorado Rockies will fire. . . . “Chicago Cubs president Theo Epstein celebrated winning the World Series and ending the so-called billy goat curse by feasting on roasted goat in the Wrigley Field bleachers,” reports Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times. “So what did Epstein chow down on in 2004 when his Boston Red Sox finally ended the Curse of the Bambino — a Baby Ruth?” . . . Perry pondering: “Alabama football coach Nick Saban astounded the country when he said: a) He was completely unaware that Tuesday was election day; b) He thought Electoral College was the Tide’s season-opening opponent next fall.”

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at greggdrinnan@gmail.com and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

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A-Rod as The Needler? . . . Javelin takes out tooth . . . Time to take up painting?

“Tom Brady’s agent said the Deflategate report has ‘significant and tragic flaws’,” writes Brad Dickson of the Omaha World-Herald. “Can we perhaps save the word ‘tragic’ for things more important than some guy letting the air out of a ball?” . . . Dickson adds: “The Patriots are claiming that text messages using the term ‘deflator’ are a reference to an equipment manager's weight loss. Everyone on the planet who believes this will be meeting on Saturday in the Patriots' training whirlpool.” . . . That equipment manager apparently goes by the nickname The Deflator. “They said it's because he's trying to lose weight,” Vancouver comic Torben Rolfsen says. “Remember when A-Rod was always having fun making jokes at his teammates' expense? That's why he was called The Needler.” . . .

Here’s ABC-TV’s Jimmy Kimmel: “I hope Deflategate is a good lesson for kids. If you cheat and don’t play fair, you will be the MVP of the Super Bowl and marry one of the most beautiful women on earth. Remember that.” . . . Here’s NBC-TV’s Jimmy Fallon, after noting that the Deflategate report said it was ‘more probable than not’ that Brady knew game balls were being tampered with: “Did they do this investigation with a Magic 8 Ball? ‘Try again later?’ ‘Reply hazy?’ ” . . . After hearing about Brady having been suspended, TNT’s Conan O’Brien offered: “They’re going to punish him by making him stay home in his mansion with his supermodel wife and think about what he did wrong.” . . .

The NHL opened its conference finals with games on Saturday at 10 a.m., Pacific, and Sunday, at noon. Hey, Gary, it’s a long weekend up here and the weather is glorious. I’m sorry but there were a million better things to do than watch your referees swallow their whistles for a couple of more games. . . . Bryan Clay, a former U.S. Olympic decathlete, used his javelin to help his daughter, Ellie, get rid of a loose baby tooth the other day. Yes, he did it exactly the way in which you are thinking. . . . “Here’s hoping Ellie doesn’t let her dad pierce her ears,” writes Ian Hamilton of the Regina Leader-Post. . . . Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg added: “Let’s hope she never gets tonsillitis.” . . .

Women of Algiers, a Picasso painting that was done in the early 1950s, has sold at auction for US$179.3 million. Take away the 12 per cent commission and the price is $160 million. . . . Be careful that you don’t get trampled in the painting section at Michael’s by soon-to-be painters. . . . Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times, comparing the price of that painting to the salary of the Seattle Mariners’ ace, wrote: “Felix Hernandez, by comparison, gets roughly only $750,000 per masterpiece — but then again, he just paints the corners.” . . . “Kris Bryant, Chicago’s highly touted rookie, hit his first career home run the other day and his Cubs teammates responded by emptying the dugout,” writes Bill Littlejohn, our South Lake Tahoe, Calif., correspondent. “It’s one of the few empty dugouts this season that didn't involve the Kansas City Royals.” . . . “The baseball record books are wrong,” Littlejohn claims. “Before Corey Kluber, the last to record 18 strikeouts did it on match.com.” . . .

After Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn split up, Steve Schrader of the Detroit Press noted: “Hey, it worked for Rory.” . . . RJ Currie at SportsDeke.com: “According to the Daily Mail, Lindsay Vonn split with Tiger Woods because he cheated on her. Talk about a guy wasting a mulligan.” . . . If Woods really was out and about again, the afore-mentioned Hamilton noted, “it proves once again that a Tiger can’t change its stripes.” . . . One more from Currie: “Prince William and Kate, the Duchess of Cambridge, named their new baby girl Charlotte Elizabeth Diana. NHL translation — Charsy.” . . .

Jack Finarelli, aka the Sports Curmudgeon, checks in with this: “Just in case you were worried that hyperbole might be on the wane, CBS announced that Super Bowl 50 — to be televised on CBS in February, of course – will be ‘the most historic broadcast event of all time.’ Really? Have the suits at CBS forgotten already about Katie Couric’s colonoscopy and that time Judge Judy had to interrupt and scold one or both of the ‘litigants’ in her ‘court,’ and/or the final episode of My Mother the Car?” . . .

“San Francisco has banned chewing tobacco in sports venues starting Jan. 1, 2016,” reports Janice Hough, aka The Left Coast Sports Babe. “John Shea in the San Francisco Chronicle quotes one anonymous Giants player as asking: ‘But you can smoke weed?’ ” . . . Here’s Hough, again: “Reports say that New Jersey governor Chris Christie spent $82,000 at Jets/Giants games at MetLife Stadium between 2010 and 2011. Well, to be fair, at NFL prices that’s probably only a few dozen beers.” . . . With a playoff game on the line the other night, David Blatt, the head coach of the Cleveland Cavaliers, drew up a play that had LeBron James making the in-bound pass. “The play that was drawn up, I scratched,” James said after making a buzzer-beater. “I just told coach, just give me the ball.” . . . According to Hough, Marshall Lynch said: “Damn, you can DO that!?” . . .

Headline at SportsPickle.com: Yankees honor A-Rod’s HR achievement with new car that has the brake lines cut. . . . Headline at TheOnion.com: Raiders considering taking chance on prospect with zero off-field incidents. . . . Another headline from TheOnion.com: Jimmy Garoppolo informs locker-room attendants how he likes footballs. . . . Jimmy Garoppolo? He’s the man for the Patriots if Brady is under suspension when the NFL season begins.

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

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Solution to NFL extra-point angst? . . . Big Papi future mayor of Boston?

Jack Finarelli, aka The Sports Curmudgeon, spends a lot of time watching March Madness. One of his viewings resulted in this comment: “CBS keeps flogging me with the slogan: ‘The Masters, a tradition unlike any other.’ Can someone tell me why the tradition of the Masters is any different from the tradition surrounding: The Kentucky Derby, the Daytona 500, the Army/Navy Game, the Rose Bowl, Thanksgiving? Just asking.” . . . A concussion has kept forward Clarke MacArthur out of the Ottawa Senators’ lineup since Feb. 16, but he feels that he is close to returning. As he put it: "I feel my marbles are rolling in the right direction now.” . . .

“This year,” writes Brad Dickson of the Omaha World-Herald, “Las Vegas is the most popular spring break destination. Sure, kids realize their only hope of paying off their college loans before they’re 80 is to get lucky at the gambling tables.” . . . Here’s Dickson, again: “A candidate for Lt. Gov. of Kentucky said he was arrested for failing to return a library book. . . . Ah, to live in a nation where the worst criminal offense politicians ever commit is failing to return an overdue book. We’ve got one politician in this country who apparently reads and they arrest him?” . . .

A tweet from Vancouver comic Torben Rolfsen: “Simple, fun solution to #NFL extra point angst: have them kicked by any other player on the team except the FG/KO guy.” . . . After Brock Lesnar walked away from UFC and re-signed with WWE, Rolfsen wrote: “He signed the contract with a pen knife he had hidden in the waistband of his trunks.” . . . Rolfsen had this precise analysis of the upcoming NHL draft: “In the race for the draft, the Sabres, Coyotes and Oilers all have the same magic number: 97.” . . .

Offensive lineman John Urschel of the Baltimore Ravens is the co-writer of a paper that has been published in the Journal of Computational Mathematics. Its title is A Cascadic Multigrid Algorithm for Computing the Fiedler Vector of Graph Laplacians. . . . “And to think,” writes Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times, “some of his O-line brethren can’t even remember the snap count.” . . . Defensive end Randy Gregory of the Nebraska Cornhuskers has admitted that he tested positive for marijuana at the NFL Combine. “His agent,” reports Richmond, B.C., blogger TC Chong, “said Gregory’s response was that he wanted to be a high draft choice.” . . . 

I have to wonder how pleased the good folks of Winkler, Man., are with that Canadian Tire commercial that appears to point out every pothole in the community. . . . Loved this response from the Winkler Fire Department: "We got featured in this commercial! But didn't know we had that pothole in front of the firehall! LOL!!" . . . The Chicago Cubs appear to be in midseason form as pitcher Edwin Jackson was scratched from a spring-training start when he drove to the wrong ballpark. Of course, as Jeremy Muck of the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette points out: “Jackson once walked eight batters in a no-hitter, so he knows a thing or two about not finding the right location.” . . . Headline at fark.com: Steelers sign James Harrison to a 10-game suspension, $100,000 fine. . . .

“Maria Sharapova was upset by wildcard Daria Gavrilova in the second round of the Miami Open,” reports RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com. “I’ll go out on a limb and say Sharapova didn’t go quietly.” . . . Here’s Currie, again: “NFL owners voted 31-1 to end TV blackouts for the upcoming season. Fans in Jacksonville and Oakland immediately appealed the decision.” . . .

“Karl-Anthony Towns of Kentucky talks to an imaginary friend, Karlito, on one of his shoulders,” writes contributor Bill Littlejohn. “Karlito reportedly helps Karl deal with criticism. I hear Karlito's cousin is Manti Te’o's girlfriend.” . . . Littlejohn, again: “Report — Tiger Woods is '50-50' for the Masters. Does that mean 50 on the front nine, followed by 50 on the back?” . . . There are reports from Florida that Jeffrey Loria, the owner of the Miami Marlins, has changed his ways. How so? “His players have a new private team jet that includes a massage table,” Greg Cote of the Miami Herald offers. “They used to have to make their own bats on a wood lathe.” . . .

A note from Janice Hough, aka the Left Coast Sports Babe, about one of the most irritating things in life today: “When these companies put you on hold for 30-plus minutes and say periodically ‘Thank you for your time and patience,’ I am reminded of that little vulture statue they used to sell in gift shops . . . ‘Patience my a**, I’m going to kill something.’ ” . . . Here’s Hough, again: “David Ortiz says he has never ‘knowingly’ used steroids. Is Big Papi planning a future in politics?”

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

There has never been a subscription fee for this blog, but if you enjoy stopping by here, why not consider donating to the cause? Just click HERE. . . and thank you very much.

Dubnyk for the Hart? Why did Affleck cry?

“Reports that the Colorado Rockies had added marijuana brownies to their concessions menu this season turned out to be a website spoof,” Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times informs us. “There went the ‘Cheech & Chong and pray for rain’ marketing blitz.” . . . “Talk about watching an overmatched 16-seed taking on a 1-seed on national TV this week,” writes Perry. “But enough about Dick Vitale kissing Ashley Judd.” . . . The Harvard Crimson nearly advanced to the second round of March Madness on Thursday when it dropped a 67-65 decision to North Carolina. That resulted in this tweet from SB Nation: “A crushing defeat for Harvard fans, who will have to console themselves with running the world and being successful and stuff.” . . .

Is there a better story in the NHL this season than former Kamloops Blazers goaltender Devan Dubnyk? It isn’t that long ago when Dubnyk was being blamed for everything that is wrong with the Edmonton Oilers. Today, he has made 31 straight starts for the Minnesota Wild, a team about which people are starting to talk. Dubnyk is 22-6-1 with a 1.76 GAA and a .935 save percentage, and he should be in the Hart Trophy conversation. . . . CBS-TV’s David Letterman knows why New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter retired. “He wanted to spend more time with his money,” Letterman reports. . . .

“In the Notre Dame/Northeastern game,” Jack Finarelli, aka The Sports Curmudgeon, writes of an early round NCAA tournament game, “Brian Anderson did the play-by-play and color analyst Steve Smith kept calling him ‘B.A.’ It got to the point that I thought I was watching a rerun of The A-Team.” . . . “Graff Diamonds reportedly has designed a 150-carat diamond watch that sells for $40 million,” writes Ian Hamilton of the Regina Leader-Post. “That’s a lot of dough, but Kobe Bryant’s wife loves hers.” . . . “If Kentucky goes 40-0,” reports Vancouver comic Torben Rolfsen, “there will likely be some changes to college basketball. They may install a salary cap.” . . .

“The Canadian team finished with five medals at the FINA Diving World Series in Dubai,” reports Richmond, B.C., blogger TC Chong. “Montreal Canadiens defenceman PK Subban, who has been fined by the NHL for his third diving infraction, was not part of the team in Dubai.” . . . One more from Chong: “The CRTC has decreed that cable companies must provide basic service for $25 a month. If you want sound and a clear picture that will, of course, be bundled with channels you’ll never watch.” . . .

“In the wake of the Chris Borland retirement,” writes contributor Bill Littlejohn, “Pittsburgh Steelers neurosurgeon and NFL medical consultant Joseph Maroon says that playing football is safer than riding a bike and that CTE's are 'greatly exaggerated’. I don't think he'll be Bill O'Reilly's next guest in the No Spin Zone.” . . . Here’s Littlejohn again: “Jennifer Garner said that after the Super Bowl, husband and die-hard Patriots fan Ben Affleck cried. She said it was the first time he'd done so since reading the reviews of Gigli.” . . .

A Tuesday note from Brad Dickson of the Omaha World-Herald: “A quick tip to my co-workers: The green bread and milk in The World-Herald cafeteria have nothing to do with St. Patrick's Day.” . . . Dickson, again: “Russian President Vladimir Putin has re-emerged after disappearing for 11 days. Turns out he was waiting in line for toilet paper and food. You know what we call a politician who goes 11 days without being seen in the U.S.? ‘Vice president.’ ” . . . Headline at TheOnion.com: NFL launches new campaign warning players about long-term risks of retirement. . . .

Here’s Larry Brooks, in the New Yort Post: “You know what? It was better to the ear when Phil Kessel was saying nothing rather than the inane stuff he is saying now about this Maple Leafs team that is an insult to the sweater and a stain on the franchise’s heritage. . . . You would kind of have to say Randy Carlyle isn’t going to have much trouble getting a job next year, wouldn’t you?” . . .

“Artist Yuriy Alekseev is gaining fame for paintings done at the bottom of a Siberian lake,” claims RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com. “He specializes in waterscapes and portraits of Russian Olympians who didn’t medal in Sochi.” . . . “Michael Phelps is getting married,” Currie notes. “Keeping a wife happy is a lot like swimming — you take the plunge, try not to make waves, and once in a while you may have to crawl.” . . . NBC-TV’s Seth Myers has March Madness figured out. As he puts it, “That’s the big tournament where you start out with 64 teams, and in only three weeks you’re down to no girlfriend.” . . .

Texas had five teams in March Madness — Baylor, SMU, Stephen F. Austin, Texas and Texas Southern — and they all were one-and-done on Thursday. As Janice Hough, aka the Left Coast Sports Babe, put it: “Last time the state of Texas had a day this bad, the Alamo was involved.” . . . Donald Trump, saying he is the only person who can make America great again, apparently is putting together a Presidential Exploratory Committee for 2016. That news caused Hough to write: “Make America ‘truly great?’ Trump can’t even do a great job with that furry thing that lives on his head.”

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

There has never been a subscription fee for this blog, but if you enjoy stopping by here, why not consider donating to the cause? Just click HERE. . . and thank you very much.

“Sharks defenseman Marc-Edouard Vlasic said he missed (last) Saturday night’s pantsing at the hands of the mostly brutal Carolina Hurricanes because of ‘a cold,’ ” writes Ray Ratto of CSNbayarea.com. “Sunday he was placed on injured reserve. In other words, what we have here officially is an ‘upper body injury linked to killer phlegm.’ Boys, we don’t mind that you lie about injuries because your players are occasionally borderline psychopaths who would try to injure already-injured players. But you have to be able to lie better than that. You just have to. Children are watching.” . . . Meanwhile, in the WHL, Kootenay Ice head coach Ryan McGill sat out two games during the week. He went from “ill” to “upper-body injury” to “general body soreness.” . . .

You sit down on a Thursday night and have a hankering to watch an NHL game. The channel guide on your TV shows you four games, all on at the same time. Winnipeg at Nashville. Toronto at the New York Islanders. Pittsburgh at Ottawa. Edmonton at Montreal is on two channels, one French and one English. Later, it’s Calgary at Los Angeles. Five games. Each featuring a Canadian team. But in Gary Bettman’s NHL every one of those games is available regionally. Which means, here in Kamloops, it was the New York Rangers at Colorado or Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives. Hey, Rogers, if you’re wondering why the ratings aren’t nearly what you thought they would be. . . .

Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times discovered an interactive soccer-related calculator at BBC.com and typed in the average U.S. salary of $43,000. This is what he got back: “Cristiano Ronaldo earns €18,200,000 ($20.9 million) per year. It would take him 18 minutes to earn your weekly salary. On your current salary, it would take you 551 years to earn Cristiano Ronaldo’s annual wage. If you had started in the year 1464 you’d almost be finished.” . . . Perry asks: “What do the Seahawks and NBC anchor Brian Williams have in common?” Perry answers: “Both would’ve been better off staying on the ground.” . . . Minor league baseball’s Akron Rubber Ducks will play host to Brian Williams’ Pants-on-Fire Night on April 27. You know you’ve made it when a baseball team is honouring you with a special night. . . .

Here’s comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: “My sports and entertainment heroes have been, roughly in order, Bill Cosby, O.J. Simpson, Bruce Jenner, Lance Armstrong, Tiger Woods, Charlie Sheen and Brian Williams. I am starting to think I might be the problem.” . . . Seattle Times desk editor Bill Kossen asks: “How many Marshawn Lynches does it take to screw in a light bulb?” Kossen's answer: “Thank you for asking.” . . . G Jackson Whistle of the Kelowna Rockets underwent an appendectomy about 10 days ago. If you have ever wondered whether that is upper or lower body, the Rockets list him as being out with a lower-body injury. . . .

“Tiger Woods withdrew with a bad back, explaining that a long wait in the fog caused his glutes to deactivate,” wrote Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle during last weekend’s PGA tournament. “First recorded case of foggy bottom. You know you’re in trouble when your ass goes south on you. Now can we declare a moratorium on discussion of any Tiger Woods body part below his waist?” . . . Jack Finarelli, The Sports Curmudgeon, chimed in with: “Personally, I wonder if this was a case of his glutes deactivating or a situation where he realized he was getting his glutes kicked.” . . .

“During a game at a recent Colorado Rockies fantasy camp,” writes Ian Hamilton of the Regina Leader-Post, “a pitcher brushed back batter Lew Dunlap. Livid, Dunlap — who’s 88 — started to charge the mound. He’s expected to arrive there sometime next week.” . . . Cardale Jones, who finished the season as Ohio State’s starting quarterback, recently spent some time visiting a children’s hospital. While there, he played the NCAA football video game with a patient. Jones later took to Twitter to clear the air. “Man, he tweeted, “I wish everyone stop saying I beat a kid in the hospital 91-35 . . . It was 98-35, had 91 with 1:26 left in the 4th.” . . .

You may have noticed New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick chatting with David Letterman on Wednesday. Perhaps you were wondering why it wasn’t Seattle Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll. According to Letterman, “We invited Pete Carroll to be on the show, but he passed.” . . . Katy Perry has told people that the NFL had almost total control over her halftime Super Bowl extravaganza. “If my calculations are correct,” noted Reggie Hayes of the Fort Wayne News-Sentinel, “that brings the total number of events that the NFL had under control this past season to one.” . . .

It says here that Dallas Stars forwards Jamie Benn and Tyler Seguin, aka The Immature Punks, should just shut up until they have accomplished off the ice what Daniel and Henrik Sedin have in Vancouver. . . . Maybe the voices in their heads made Benn and Seguin say what they said on that open mouth radio show the other day. . . . “Kanye West told Ryan Seacrest that ‘voices in my head’ told him to go on stage at the Grammys and rant against Beck,” reports Janice Hough, aka The Left Coast Sports Babe. “How come these ‘voices’ in people’s heads never tell them to sit down and shut up?” . . . Hough is getting ready for the spring planting season. “Picked up a little pot of tulips,” she tells us. “Small stick with care instructions in the soil. Ending with: ‘For decoration only. Do not consume.’ And they assume anyone dumb enough to eat tulips is smart enough to read instructions?”

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)


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Just the other day, Jack Finarelli, aka The Sports Curmudgeon, came up with a great idea involving pro sports teams and those throwback uniforms. . . . “If the NFL wants to show its ties to the past and to demonstrate some commitment to ‘heritage’ – whatever that might mean – any game using ‘throwback uniforms’ should also occur in a ‘throwback environment’ that would include: 1. Free parking; 2. No more than $2 for a beer or $1 for a soda; 3. No DJ in the stadium creating meaningless noise; 4. No cheerleaders.” . . . Under those conditions, he writes, “I could put up with ‘throwback uniforms’ -- not counting ‘the bumblebees’ -- once a year.” . . . The ‘bumblebees,’ of course, are those hideous Pittsburgh Steelers outfits. . . . As Finarelli puts it, “I would support the NFLPA bargaining against any of its members ever having to appear in public wearing the ‘bumblebee throwback uniform’ that the Pittsburgh Steelers trot out every year. That is a form of public humiliation for union members.” . . .

"I would be very excited about the Winnipeg Blue Bombers bringing back beer snakes next season if I had any idea what a beer snake was," writes Steve Simmons of the Toronto Sun. "I’d be more excited if they brought back Dieter Brock." . . . Hey, I'd settle for Ralph Brock. . . . “FIFA (wink, wink) found no irregularities in the way World Cups were awarded to Russia and Qatar, but bid-committee members weren’t available for comment,” reports Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times. “They’d just left on their surprise vacation junkets to Barbados.” . . . Perry also notes that “Mike Vrabel, the Texans’ linebackers coach, lost the three Super Bowl rings he won with the Patriots when burglars broke into his Houston home. Not to cast any aspersions or anything, but how do you say ‘one for the thumb’ in Russian?” . . .

“Lee Chong Wei,, the world’s top-ranked badminton player, has apparently failed a doping test,” writes Janice Hough, aka The Left Coast Sports Babe. “Badminton? Who knew the most honest sport might turn out to be pro wrestling?” . . . Here she is, again: “A new report says a Secret Service agent was chatting on his cellphone while an intruder scaled the White House fence in September. Maybe it’s time to get men out of the Secret Service. Not that women don’t chat. But we can multitask.” . . .

“Doping investigators have now busted curlers, badminton players and golfers,” points out Richmond, B.C., blogger TC Chong. “What’s next? Bowlers and shuffleboard players?” . . . “The Oakland Raiders are 0-9, but head coach Tony Sparano says it’s not too late to save the season,” notes Chong. “With a couple of wins, they could cross over to the CFL East and make the playoffs.” . . . Chong, again: “Charles Barkley can chow down now after saying he wouldn’t eat another meal until the Los Angeles Lakers won. I bet he wouldn’t dare try that with the Raiders.” . . .

Bruce Arians, the head coach of the NFL’s Arizona Cardinals, told SI.com that he often uses a baseball analogy in reminding his backup players to be ready. “I always tell the Wally Pipp story,” Arias said, “even though the players never know who he is, that he’s the guy Lou Gehrig replaced and Wally Pipp could never get his job back. The worst part? They don’t know who Lou Gehrig is.”

“CBC Manitoba says a polar vortex continues to chill the Prairies,” reports RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com. “It all started during Selkirk’s Grand Slam curling event with Cathy O on the same sheet as Jennifer Jones.” . . . Here’s Currie, again: “Anaheim Ducks veterans Corey Perry and Francois Beauchemin have been diagnosed with mumps. That's just swell.” . . .

Phil Mushnick of the New York Post kept time near the end of a recent NBA game between the New York Knicks and Detroit Pistons. “The final 42 seconds . . . ran — I kid you not — 20 minutes, 12 seconds!” he wrote. “It took 1,212 seconds to play 42. With 42 seconds left, you could have ordered a pizza, picked it up, driven home and not missed the end!” . . . The way Greg Cote of the Miami Herald has it figured, free-agent third baseman Pablo Sandoval is a lock to sign with the Florida Marlines. Why? “Miami likes his bat,” Cote explains. “Sandoval likes the Marlins’ ‘All You Can Eat Mondays’ promotion.”

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

Prior to the start of the World Series, federal agents confiscated some counterfeit tickets. According to comedy writer Jim Barach, they were tipped off “when they saw the tickets were for the Cubs vs. the Astros.” . . . Major League Baseball is wanting, again, to speed up its game, so commissioner Bud Selig has struck yet another committee. “In a related story,” reports Brad Dickson of the Omaha World-Herald, “NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell formed a committee to speed up this season and get it over with.” . . .

You have watched the San Francisco 49ers on TV and you know that their head coach, the tightly wound Jim Harbaugh, doesn’t have a sense of humour. Au contraire. On a recent conference call with St. Louis media, Harbaugh was asked about veteran defensive tackle Justin Smith. First, Harbaugh pointed out how well-respected Smith is, then he added: “Chuck Norris calls Justin Smith ‘sir.’ ” . . . The Erie Otters and Niagara IceDogs drew 10,000 fans to a game in Buffalo the other night. As Vancouver comedian Torben Rolfsen noted: “They may become the first city to upgrade from the NHL to the OHL.” . . .

Judging from a Sportsnet commercial that is getting lots of play, Rogers isn’t too aware of the relationship between Vancouver hockey fans and Mark Messier. Here’s Rolfsen: “Mark Messier selling hockey to Vancouver Canucks fans is like Bono selling anti-spam ware to Mac users.” . . . Janice Hough, aka The Left Coast Sports Babe, offered up this following the death of Oscar de la Renta: “Most women are thinking, ‘Sad, it’s the end of an era.’ Most men are thinking, ‘What team did he play for?’ ” . . . Richmond, B.C., blogger TC Chong knows that de la Renta didn’t play on a team. “I remember clearly when he lost fights to Floyd Mayweather Jr. and Manny Pacquiao,” Chong writes. . . .

There is a report out there claiming that the U of Texas is to begin paying scholarship athletes $10,000 a year. “Why the pay cut?” wonders contributor Bill Littlejohn. . . . By now you have seen the Chevrolet commercial that features Little League baseball star Mo’Ne Davis. It seems that U.S. college footballers Jameis Winston and Todd Gurley messaged the NCAA after seeing that TV spot. The message, according to Littlejohn, was: “Show me the Mo'Ne.” . . .

Montreal Alouettes receiver Chad Johnson (@ochocinco) tweeted the other day: “Meryl Streep changed her phone number . . .” Obviously, the man still has his sense of humour. . . . “California firefighters staged a rooftop rescue to free a woman stuck in the chimney of a home owned by a man she’d just started dating,” reports RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com. “Where’d they meet? At a shingles bar?” . . .

Outfielder Jarrod Dyson and his Kansas City Royals were dominated by San Francisco left-hander Madison Bumgarner in Game 5 as the Giants took a 3-2 lead in the World Series. “One good thing for us,” Dyson said after the game, “we don’t have to worry about Bumgarner no more.” . . . It didn’t quite work out that way, did it? . . . According to Ian Hamilton of the Regina Leader-Post, Bumgarner’s World Series performance “was the most impressive display by a Giant since Andre in Wrestlemania 2.” . . .

“The Cleveland Cavaliers lost at home to the New York Knicks in a major upset on Thursday night,” reports the aforementioned Chong. “LeBron James could only muster 17 points in his much heralded return to the Cavs, and fans were chanting for Bumgarner to replace him during the second half.” . . . One more from Chong: “Consuming three glasses of milk a day has been associated with premature death. That’s especially true when the cow backs up while you’re drinking.” . . .

Things haven’t been going particularly well for the U of Florida Gators this football season. “In the face of mounting criticism,” writes Littlejohn, “Florida football coach Will Muschamp says he’s adopting a bunker mentality. Which one, Archie or Edith?” . . . John Garrett, the Sportsnet hockey analyst who sees the world through Vancouver Canucks-coloured glasses, all but blamed Montreal Canadiens defenceman Alexei Emelin for having a long chin when he got drilled by forward Alex Burrows on Thursday night. It was a predatory-type hit, the kind the NHL should be trying harder to get out of its game. The three-game suspension with which Burrows was hit wasn’t nearly enough, although Garrett likely thinks it was too much. . . .

“Hundreds of Seattle medical-marijuana dispensaries have received letters from the city warning that they might be shut down,” writes Ron Judd of the Seattle Times. “It raises the alarming possibility that city residents might have to resort to buying their pot at a far cheaper price and zero hassle from the same guy in Wallingford who has sold it to them since 1976.” . . . Here’s one from Jack Finarelli, the Sports Curmudgeon: “Rhetorical question of the week. Where else but in intercollegiate athletics could Idaho be in the Sun Belt Conference?” . . .

Over time, for one reason or another, the World Series has lost its mojo. No matter how exciting the series, no matter how much drama there is, it just isn’t what it used to be. “Today, the World Series is like The Ed Sullivan Show, the Miss America pageant, Timex watches, and sitting in your favorite chair surrounded by a stack of daily newspapers,” writes Dan Shaughnessy of the Boston Globe. “It’s like Peanuts. It was once the biggest event in sports. Now it’s a relic of a simpler time before the Worldwide Leader and the World Wide Web. My fantasy baseball world of 1962 has been overthrown by the fantasy baseball (where you can win millions!) of 2014. In 2014, the World Series is your father’s Oldsmobile.”

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

An observation from Norman Chad, in his Couch Slouch column from the Washington Post: “Can you imagine the buildup and the hype — think of the length of the pregame show alone — if ESPN were around for the creation of the world?” . . . When the Seattle Seahawks dealt receiver Percy Harvin to the New York Jets, the New York Post headlined it: Percy snatcher. . . . The gang at Fark.com went with: Ppppercy and the Jets. . . . Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com noted: “Seattle will apparently receive a conditional draft pick in 2015. Percy Harvin will receive the month of January off.” . . .

After arriving in London, England, where they play the Atlanta Falcons on Sunday, the Detroit Lions released running back William Powell. So much for him getting the royal treatment. . . . Headline at TheOnion.com: Calvin Johnson is out until back is healthy enough to carry team again. . . .

Jimmy Kimmel of ABC-TV yearns for the good ol’ days. “I love baseball,” he says. “You know, baseball was our national pastime before selfies took over.” . . . One of the college football bowl games this festive season will be the Buffalo Wild Wings Citrus Bowl. Len Berman of ThatsSports.com points out: “Yup, nothing goes together quite as well as spicy wings and a citrusy drink. What’s next, Guantanamo Bay sponsoring the Liberty Bowl?” . . . Here’s Brad Dickson of the Omaha World-Herald making a valid point: “At a WWE event, the Big Show ripped down a Russian flag. Before World War III starts, can someone quickly explain to the Russians about pro wrestling? Thanks.” . . .

Thanks to Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times for passing along a note from Vox.com. Wanting to see how much action there is in a televised NFL game, the folks there took an in-depth look at what was shown during the telecast of the Oct. 6 game between the Cincinnati Bengals and New England Patriots. The results:
• Players standing around: 35.5 per cent
• Commercials: 24.5 per cent
• Replays: 10.7 per cent
• Coach shots: 4.9 per cent
• Referee shots: 3.2 per cent
• Halftime: 3.2 per cent
• Sideline player shots: 2.2 per cent
• On-screen promotions: 2 per cent
• Other (crowd shots, cheerleaders): 5.5 per cent
• Actual football being played: 8.3 per cent.

“According to an ABC News report,” writes RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, “clowns carrying baseball bats have been terrorizing people in Bakersfield, California. ‘We feel your pain,’ said Cubs fans.” . . . A note to the talking heads doing the highlight shows who refer to the NBA as the Association. There is only one Association and they sang Windy. Feel free to Google it. OK? . . . “The Canadian Ebola vaccine looks very promising,” notes comedy writer Alex Kaseberg. “If Canada can rid themselves of Justin Bieber, they can get rid of anything.” . . .

Hey, TSN, you can ditch those fantasy football commercials as soon as you can find the delete button. Thanks. . . . “The NBA is experimenting with shortening games,” writes Bob Molinaro of the Hampton Roads Virginian-Pilot, “while some players wish for a shorter season. But when it comes to sports in general on TV, what I want is a lot less pre-game chatter – none would be good – from the overcrowded panels whose analysis amounts to nothing. And I get what I want simply by not watching until the ball is in play.” . . . But, gee, without the panels, what’s left? . . . Gee, where would the likes of P.J. Stock and Glenn Healy go to be heard? . . .

Here’s Molinaro, again: “Media accounts of Kansas City’s undying love for its Royals go real easy on the inconvenient truth that the team ranked 25th out of 30 in attendance. The https://twitter.com/Royals were one of only six MLB clubs that didn’t break the 2-million mark this year. But don’t expect the facts to get in the way of a good story.” . . . Michael Beasley has played his way out of the NBA and signed with the Shanghai Sharks. Which got Greg Cote of the Miami Herald to asking: “How do you say ‘got weed?’ in Chinese?” . . .

With Peyton Manning and the Denver Broncos putting a hammering on the San Francisco 49ers on Sunday night, Vancouver comic Torben Rolfsen tweeted: “Finally, something positive to take Coloradans minds off worrying about weed-tainted Halloween candy.” . . . Have to wonder how many major league managers called their realtors when they found out Friday that Joe Maddon had left the Tampa Bay Rays. . . .

We close this week with a thought or two from Jack Finarelli, the Sports Curmudgeon, who is quickly becoming our resident sports philosopher: “With regard to Dallas Cowboys’ running back Joseph Randle’s arrest for shoplifting some cologne and some underwear because he supposedly did not want to wait in a long line at the cashier to pay for those items, can I please get someone at ESPN or FOX Sports1 to stop calling this a bad decision. That was so far beyond a simple ‘bad decision’ that it is insulting to every person on earth who ever made a bad decision. Buying and holding Enron stock was a bad decision; wasting two hours of one’s life to see the movie Ishtar was a bad decision; shoplifting items because the cashier line was too long to wait in is not a bad decision; it is an indicator of a massive case of entitlement. The fact that he is now some kind of spokesthing for the underwear company ought to be embarrassing to the max – but entitled people seem not to understand the concept of embarrassment.”

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

If you’re watching the MLB playoffs, you will have noticed that this autumn’s slogan is ‘Always October.‘ As Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle put it in a tweet: “That's so poetic! Was selected by MLB over ‘Kiss My November.’ ” . . . Greg Cote of The Miami Herald, on baseball commissioner Bud Selig forming a committee to look at speeding up games: “I still like my idea: First run wins.” . . .

The best quote out of this week’s 1984 Edmonton Oilers' reunion came from Mark Messier, who said: "I never finished high school, so this is my first actual reunion.” . . . Quarterback Kerry Joseph emerged from retirement this week and signed with the CFL’s Saskatchewan Roughriders. Apparently, he walked across Wascana Lake to get to Mosaic Stadium for the official signing. . . .

“Paul Revere, founder of Paul Revere and the Raiders, has passed away at the age of 76,” writes Janice Hough, aka the Left Coast Sports Babe. “Please can someone get a comment from Sarah Palin on his death?” . . .  Hough, again: “So the AL representative in the World Series will be either the Kansas City Royals or the Baltimore Orioles. And Fox executives just threw up.” . . . Having just spent some time on Prairie highways, I am shocked by how many Alberta drivers appear to have purchased vehicles that lack working turn signals. . . .

Michael Phelps, one of the greatest American swimmers of all-time, is facing a second DUI charge after being arrested in Baltimore on Tuesday. “Apparently,” notes comedy writer Jim Barach, “not only does he swim like a fish, he drinks like one, too.” . . . Ian Hamilton of the Regina Leader-Post added: “Phelps was released by police after doing a few lengths in the drunk tank.” . . . How are the St. Louis Cardinals doing it this season? Perhaps with a solid mix of older and younger players. As Matt Holliday told CBSsports.com: “It’s a good combination of experience and ignorance.” . . .

Jack Finarelli, aka The Sports Curmudgeon, has this idea involving football telecasts: “There would be no interviews with coaches just before the game or at halftime of the game. The penalty would be caning – probably 50 strokes would do the trick. The coaches clearly do not want to be interrupted from whatever zone they are trying to get themselves into; they never say anything even remotely interesting; the interviewer has to pretend to care about the pabulum answers. Stop this insanity and stop it immediately!” . . . OK! This is a great idea. But it should be extended to baseball, basketball and hockey telecasts, too. . . .

“A person who goes by the name Fake Gainer on Twitter says the No. 1 rivalry in sports in Canada is the Stampeders and Riders,” reports Cam Hutchinson of the Saskatoon Express. “I’m going with Leafs-Habs, Rider fans-Bomber fans and Jennifer Jones-Rachel Homan.” . . . “An ESPN poll of fan satisfaction rates Toronto's NHL club last of 122 professional sports teams,” reports RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com. “That's the Leafs for ya: when they finally finish first, it’s for being worst.” . . .

So what did I think of Sportsnet’s first night of NHL coverage? Well, it’s early but I was hoping for more new faces and new voices, less of some old faces and old voices, and more of Elliotte Friedman. . . . The new ref cam provides some interesting looks, but I’m thinking the guy wearing it has to be feeling a bit nerdish. . . . Yes, it’s early but these Edmonton Oilers look a lot like those Edmonton Oilers, don’t they? . . . Here’s Gary Player, 78, looking ahead in an interview on SiriusXM: “I’ve always said when I die I just hope that the golf course up in heaven looks like Augusta (National). I want to be the head pro, but I’m not in a hurry to tee off.” . . .

Headline at Fark.com: Tom Brady’s deal with the devil has finally expired. . . . “A friend in Oklahoma City tells me he attends Edmonton Oilers farm team games,” writes Vancouver comic Torben Rolfsen. “I thought Edmonton was the farm team.” . . . "What’s this we hear — Johnny Manziel wants to be Jameis Winston’s life coach?" ponders Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times. "So what’s next, John Daly taking Tiger Woods under his wing?" . . . One more from Perry: "Scots went to the polls (recently) and voted by a 55-45 margin not to: a) Leave the United Kingdom; b) Join the Big Ten." . . .

"Remember," writes Bob Molinaro of the Norfolk Virginian-Pilot, “when NFL officials thought the biggest distraction this season would be Michael Sam?” . . . Doug Ferguson of The Associated Press writes: “Jim Furyk earned $5,987,395 this year without winning on the PGA Tour. That’s about $250,000 more than Jack Nicklaus made in his career.” . . . IN HIS CAREER! . . . Think about that for a moment or two. . . . Cleveland Cavaliers star LeBron James is producing a basketball-related comedy show for the TV network Starz. Asked how many seasons he thought it might run, he replied: “Last time I said, ‘Not one, not two, not three, not four …,’ that didn’t go over too well.”

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

Jack Finarelli, aka The Sports Curmudgeon, and his good wife, Peg, recently went coast-to-coast-to-coast via Amtrak. One of his observations from the observation car: “There was so much coal being transported from Colorado/Wyoming to the east in trains that were 100-cars long, I began to worry that the Rocky Mountains were not going to be there when we got to Colorado.” . . . One more note from Jack The Tourist: “Many folks consider California as a source of trends within U.S. society and culture. I have never been one to be at the forefront of a trend and, very specifically, I make no claim to any ‘fashion sense.’ However, on this trip, I got the feeling that I had missed a memo somewhere because I saw a fashion trend that had totally escaped my notice: More than a few men were wearing black socks and white sneakers with their shorts. This is not a good look.” . . .

Headline at Fark.com: “Randy Johnson is selling his 25,000-square-foot home. That’s one big unit.” . . . One more from the gang at Fark: “Cyclists hospitalized after confusing laundry detergent for sports drink / Doctors confirm all urine tests came back clean.” . . . Atlantic City is losing three casinos in the next while as the Revel, Showboat and Trump Plaza all will close their doors. Which got Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times to wonder: “So when did Charles Barkley and John Daly decide to quit gambling?” . . . “The San Francisco 49ers’ new Levi’s Stadium hosted a wedding over the weekend,” notes Perry. “In keeping with the local football theme, well-wishers threw Jerry Rice.” . . .

If you weren’t aware, the last New York Yankees player before Derek Jeter to wear No. 2 was Mike Gallego, who wore pinstripes from 1992-94. . . . After Roger Federer came back from two sets down to erase Gael Monfils on Thursday night at the U.S. Open, Ray Ratto of Comcast Sports Net tweeted the facts: “The thing about Federer is, he can stab you, kill you, gut you, skin you, bread you, fry you, eat you and then extol your athletic virtues.” . . . “According to ESPN,” notes blogger TC Chong, “the highest price for a family of four to attend an NFL game is the new Santa Clara stadium of the SF 49ers at US$641. The cheapest NFL tickets can be found at Buffalo, where the team might pay you $641 to tell your friends that you were at the game.” . . .

Ron Judd of the Seattle Times writes that he is “so proud of the brain trust at the U-Dub for solving two of the most-pressing problems at Montlake — the heart-rending dearth of cash in athletic department coffers, and the notable scarcity of drunken, staggering fans inside Husky Stadium — with a single bold stroke: a new plan to sell booze at football games.” . . . That would be the U of Washington, of course. . . . Here’s Judd, again: “Millions of Fraser River-bound sockeye turned off by a ‘warm blob’ of ocean water off the coast of Washington are believed to be returning to their natal stream to the north, through British Columbia’s Johnstone Strait, rather than through the Strait of Juan de Fuca and San Juan Islands. Perhaps they prefer not to swim past the natural toilet that is Victoria, B.C.” . . . Yes, things are getting nasty as thumbs twiddle in the Victoria area while raw sewage continues to pour into the Stait of Juan de Fuca. . . .

“Canada loves Jay Onrait and Dan O’Toole,” notes Cam Hutchinson of the Saskatoon Express. “Not so much in the U.S., where their Fox Sports Live show averages 64,000 viewers a night.” . . . After Tiger Woods canned Sean Foley, his third swing coach, comedy writer Alex Kaseberg summed it up with: “In golf terms that is known as firing the dance instructor on the Titanic.” . . . If Tiger really wants to learn how to swing, might I suggest he hire Justin Bieber as No. 4. . . . “Reuters reports a Chinese farmer has invented a zip line so his pigs literally fly from one truck to another,” writes RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com. “In a related item, the Maple Leafs might win this year’s Stanley Cup.” . . . One more from Currie: “A church converted to a house is up for sale near Portage la Prairie, Man. It features a room with a pew.” . . .

Is this a great country, or what? I now have 10 Canadian-based sports TV channels pouring into my home. . . . One week ago, four were showing the same baseball game and four were showing the same CFL game. . . . I can’t understand why so many young people are turning to streaming and Netflix? . . . There were some nifty occurrences on Monday as four Philadelphia Phillies pitchers no-hit the Atlanta Braves, 7-0. For starters, Jason Heyward of the Braves stole three bases, which isn’t bad for a guy on a team that didn’t get a hit. Also, Ben Revere of the Phils had five RBI, becoming the fifth player in MLB history to do that in a no-hitter. Prior to Monday, Revere had one month this season in which had had five RBI. He had two RBI in all of August. . . .

In an NCAA Division II game on Thursday, the Tusculum College Pioneers beat the College of Faith Saints, 71-0. The Saints rushed for, uhh, minus-124 yards and their total offence was, uhh, minus-100 yards. . . . “One piece of good news came out of the game for the Saints,” notes Ian Hamilton of the Regina Leader-Post. “They have been granted admission into the CFL’s East Division, where they’ll fit right in.” . . . Here’s Hamilton with a soccer story from Bulgaria: “Soccer fan Zdravkov Levidzhov has won a 15-year court battle to change his name -- to Manchester Zdravkov Levidzhov-United. Mr. Manchester United, as the 50-year-old construction worker likes to be called, celebrated by having the crest of his favourite team tattooed on his forehead. Memo to Zdravkov: Man U are an idiot.”

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

There has never been a subscription fee for this blog, but if you enjoy stopping by here, why not consider donating to the cause? Just click HERE. . . and thank you very much.

Comedian Argus Hamilton has been keeping a close eye on the Cleveland Browns’ training camp. One day last week, Hamilton filed this report: “Yesterday afternoon, Johnny Manziel got blitzed, but then he got up, left the strip club and came straight to practice.” . . . There is a move afoot in Ohio to have LeBron James license plates produced for the general public. “They’d be made,” notes contributor Bill Littlejohn, “by incarcerated Cincinnati Bengals.” . . .

“I have said since the day the votes were counted that putting Tony LaRussa in the Hall of Fame is a travesty,” writes Jack Finarelli, aka The Sports Curmudgeon. “His plaque should have the likeness of Sgt. Schultz on it.” . . . You are a real fan of the Montreal Canadiens if you knew that P.K. Subban’s initials stand for Pernell Karl. . . . “According to a University of California study, 65 per cent of NBA players pass gas on court,” reports RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com. “Except Kobe Bryant, who never passes anything.” . . . Here’s Currie, again: “Happy 37th Birthday Tom Brady — NFL quarterback, winner of three Super Bowls and married to a supermodel who earns $47 million a year. Good luck finding him a gift.” . . .

Peter Robinson, who tweets at @PRGolfWriter and knows a thing or two about golf, summed up the state of the PGA Tour in a four-word tweet: “Tiger Was, Rory Is.” . . . A Wednesday tweet from columnist Cam Cole of the Vancouver Sun, who is in Louisville, Ky., for the PGA Championship: “In PGA merchandise tent today: Tiger's scripted Nike outfits next to Rory's. Rory's Sunday shirts are sold out. Plenty of Tiger's left.” . . . If you’re a southpaw, you will be aware that Wednesday is International Lefthanders Day. What’s it all about? Well, here is part of the entry from Wikipedia: “Thousands of left-handed people are discriminated (against) in today’s society, are forced to use right-handed tools, drive on the right side of the road and even get harassed. International Lefthanders Day is made to end this discrimination.” . . .

Ron Judd, writing in the Seattle Times: “Attention, Local TV Weather People: Basking in the faux glory of the long run of insufferably hot, dry, miserable weather makes a lot of us locals like you much less.” . . . In recent days, I have spent time in Kelowna -- no, we won’t mention the traffic -- and Bellingham, Wash. I now am trying to figure out if I saw more Alberta plates in Kelowna than B.C. plates in Bellingham. . . . The San Francisco 49ers will play NFL games in the new Levi’s Stadium starting with this season. Standing room tickets will set you back $75 or $50. Why the difference? “For $75,” reports Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle, “you get to stand on both feet.” . . . Here’s Ostler, after ESPN The Magazine published its Body Issue: “If players pose stark naked for a national magazine, how come after a game I have to wait 15 minutes for them to get fully dressed before I can ask them questions?” . . .

Bob Irving, the long-time radio voice of the Winnipeg Blue Bombers, asked head coach Mike O’Shea what he thinks when he wakes up and looks at the CFL standings. “I don’t look at standings,” O’Shea responded. “I look at my wife.” . . . Safe answer, Mike. . . . The Center for Science in the Public Interest held a contest to determine the “most unhealthy food in America.” Three of the top (or bottom) nine came from the Cheesecake Factory. Farfelle with Chicken and Roasted Garlic came in at 2,410 calories, and that was without the cheesecake. . . .

Don't think for one second that there is anything that happens in a Major League Baseball game that isn’t charted. For example, right-hander Brandon McCarthy threw seven innings for the host New York Yankees against the Detroit Tigers on Monday night. During that game, according to Katie Sharp, who writes for It's About The Money, Stupid, “the Tigers hit 38 foul balls off McCarthy, the most fouls against any pitcher in a single game this season." . . . In that same game, McCarthy got 17 outs -- eight strike outs, eight ground balls and one lineout to third base. . . . “Police were able to apprehend a six-year-old boy (with autism) who managed to drive his toy ATV onto the Bronx River Parkway in New York,” reports Janice Hough, aka The Left Coast Sports Babe. “The boy was not injured. And no doubt he probably wasn’t close to being the worst driver on the highway.” . . .

There are rumbles out there that Canada may want to get in on the bidding to play host to soccer’s 2016 World Cup. At the moment, Canada’s men’s team is ranked 115th in the universe. “This,” suggests Vancouver comic Torben Rolfsen, “would be like Utah hosting the World Beer Games.” . . . Here’s Dwight Perry, in the Seattle Times: “Starring in California’s best slow-speed police chase since O.J.: a 150-pound fleeing tortoise, clocked at speeds of up to 1 mph. Apparently, the Alhambra cops nabbed him at a shell station.”

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

There has never been a subscription fee for this blog, but if you enjoy stopping by here, why not consider donating to the cause? Just click HERE. . . and thank you very much.

Jack Finarelli, aka The Sports Curmudgeon, writing about LeBron James and his pursuit of Michael Jordan’s legend: “Michael Jordan and the Bulls went to the NBA Finals six times. The Bulls won all six of those series AND Michael Jordan was the MVP of the finals all six times. The simple fact is that James cannot meet let alone exceed that standard. James and his teams (Cavs and Heat) have been to the Finals five times. The Cavs/Heat have only won two of those five series. It would seem to me that the only way to exceed 6-for-6 would be to go 7-for-7. That is mathematically impossible.” . . . If you missed it Friday night, the host Ottawa Redblacks got past the Toronto Bluewhites, 18-17, in CFL action. . . .

I always wonder how they figure out these things, but some economists have done the calculations and decided that LeBron’s return to the Cleveland Cavaliers will benefit the local economy to the tune of $500 million. “More importantly for James,” writes Ian Hamilton of the Regina Leader-Post, “it will inject $21 million a year into his economy.” . . . Babe Ruth’s 1918 contract with the Boston Red Sox sold for $1.02 million the other day. “Out of force of habit,” reports Hamilton, “the Yankees bought it.” . . . Headline at SportsPickle.com: Local soccer bar back to just being an Irish pub again. . . .

“Did you see the new rule for the next America’s Cup?” asks Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle. “Seriously. The defending champion U.S. team will be allowed a backup boat, but the challenger teams will not. That’s like a World Series where only one team is allowed to have a bullpen.” . . . “Johnny Manziel might be second string in Cleveland,” notes Ostler, “but he’s a starter in Las Vegas, baby. Just before reporting to the Browns, Johnny Football was seen spraying Champagne on Vegas nightclub patrons. How many rookies are willing to put in the time practicing Super Bowl celebrations?” . . .

How bad was the smoke in the Kamloops area on Wednesday? My lungs thought they were smoking Export A’s for the first time since, well, 2003 when the hills around here were aflame. . . . So some guy in the Seattle area was really fed up with this spider he had noticed in his home. So he pulled out a can of spray paint and a cigarette lighter. Before he was done, he had caused $60,000 in fire damage to his home. . . . Gotta wonder when his spidey senses kicked in and told him it was hot in there. . . . No word on whether the spider survived. . . . “And once again,” wrote Janice Hough, aka The Left Coast Sports Babe, “somewhere Darwin is saying, ‘Missed it by that much.’ ” . . .

A question from Hough: “Who's done the better acting job in last month? The floppers of the World Cup or the millions of Americans who pretended to care about soccer?” . . . During Tuesday’s MLB All-Star game, this tweet was sent out by @CBSNews: “Michael Jeter takes bow at his final All-Star game.” To which Hough responded: “Wonder if Michael’s brother is any good?” . . . I don’t know about you, but I don’t have a problem with NL starter Adam Wainwright putting a fastball on a tee for AL shortstop Derek Jeter in the All-Star Game. . . . But I still have a problem with MLB using the All-Star Game to determine home-field advantage in the World Series. . . . Because of that, baseball still will be talking about that one pitch during the October-November Classic. . . . Contributor Bill Littlejohn says he’s heard that Wainwright’s “new walk-up music just became ‘Groovin’ on a Sunday Afternoon’ ” . . . In case you missed it, Lindsey Vonn and Roger Federer played some tennis the other day, atop a glacier in the Swiss Alps. “Federer was supposed to play Maria Sharapova,” noted Littlejohn, “but officials worried her grunting could have triggered an avalanche.” . . .

Mike Lupica, in The New York Daily News: “A friend of mine said that it might take Heat fans, as casual as they are about when they show up for games, until the middle of November to notice that LeBron is actually gone. And that’s without traffic.” . . . If you’re looking for a good read, you can’t go wrong with Up, Up & Away: The Kid, The Hawk, Rock, Vladi, Pedro, Le Grand Orange, Youppi!, The Crazy Business of Baseball, & the Ill-fated but Unforgettable Montreal Expos. If you were a fan of the Expos, author Jonah Keri will put you through an emotional wringer, especially when he reminds you how close this team came to being -- dare we say it? -- a dynasty. . . .

How loud was the celebration in Germany after the World Cup? “It was so noisy in Berlin,” reports comedy writer Alan Ray, “the CIA could barely hear to eavesdrop.” . . . “Russia is hosting the next World Cup,” notes syndicated columnist Norman Chad. “Of course, by 2018 the Russian empire could extend west to Poland and east to Alaska, so host cities are up in the air. Warsaw and Anchorage should be on high alert!” . . . Last weekend in sports is wrapped up by NBC’s Seth Meyers: “LeBron went back to being a Cavalier, Carmelo went back to being a Knick, and soccer went back to being a thing you drive your kids to.” . . . “So, hot-dog eating champ Joey Chestnut is about to be married?” writes Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times. “Our condiments to the bride.”

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

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