A-Rod as The Needler? . . . Javelin takes out tooth . . . Time to take up painting?

“Tom Brady’s agent said the Deflategate report has ‘significant and tragic flaws’,” writes Brad Dickson of the Omaha World-Herald. “Can we perhaps save the word ‘tragic’ for things more important than some guy letting the air out of a ball?” . . . Dickson adds: “The Patriots are claiming that text messages using the term ‘deflator’ are a reference to an equipment manager's weight loss. Everyone on the planet who believes this will be meeting on Saturday in the Patriots' training whirlpool.” . . . That equipment manager apparently goes by the nickname The Deflator. “They said it's because he's trying to lose weight,” Vancouver comic Torben Rolfsen says. “Remember when A-Rod was always having fun making jokes at his teammates' expense? That's why he was called The Needler.” . . .

Here’s ABC-TV’s Jimmy Kimmel: “I hope Deflategate is a good lesson for kids. If you cheat and don’t play fair, you will be the MVP of the Super Bowl and marry one of the most beautiful women on earth. Remember that.” . . . Here’s NBC-TV’s Jimmy Fallon, after noting that the Deflategate report said it was ‘more probable than not’ that Brady knew game balls were being tampered with: “Did they do this investigation with a Magic 8 Ball? ‘Try again later?’ ‘Reply hazy?’ ” . . . After hearing about Brady having been suspended, TNT’s Conan O’Brien offered: “They’re going to punish him by making him stay home in his mansion with his supermodel wife and think about what he did wrong.” . . .

The NHL opened its conference finals with games on Saturday at 10 a.m., Pacific, and Sunday, at noon. Hey, Gary, it’s a long weekend up here and the weather is glorious. I’m sorry but there were a million better things to do than watch your referees swallow their whistles for a couple of more games. . . . Bryan Clay, a former U.S. Olympic decathlete, used his javelin to help his daughter, Ellie, get rid of a loose baby tooth the other day. Yes, he did it exactly the way in which you are thinking. . . . “Here’s hoping Ellie doesn’t let her dad pierce her ears,” writes Ian Hamilton of the Regina Leader-Post. . . . Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg added: “Let’s hope she never gets tonsillitis.” . . .

Women of Algiers, a Picasso painting that was done in the early 1950s, has sold at auction for US$179.3 million. Take away the 12 per cent commission and the price is $160 million. . . . Be careful that you don’t get trampled in the painting section at Michael’s by soon-to-be painters. . . . Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times, comparing the price of that painting to the salary of the Seattle Mariners’ ace, wrote: “Felix Hernandez, by comparison, gets roughly only $750,000 per masterpiece — but then again, he just paints the corners.” . . . “Kris Bryant, Chicago’s highly touted rookie, hit his first career home run the other day and his Cubs teammates responded by emptying the dugout,” writes Bill Littlejohn, our South Lake Tahoe, Calif., correspondent. “It’s one of the few empty dugouts this season that didn't involve the Kansas City Royals.” . . . “The baseball record books are wrong,” Littlejohn claims. “Before Corey Kluber, the last to record 18 strikeouts did it on match.com.” . . .

After Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn split up, Steve Schrader of the Detroit Press noted: “Hey, it worked for Rory.” . . . RJ Currie at SportsDeke.com: “According to the Daily Mail, Lindsay Vonn split with Tiger Woods because he cheated on her. Talk about a guy wasting a mulligan.” . . . If Woods really was out and about again, the afore-mentioned Hamilton noted, “it proves once again that a Tiger can’t change its stripes.” . . . One more from Currie: “Prince William and Kate, the Duchess of Cambridge, named their new baby girl Charlotte Elizabeth Diana. NHL translation — Charsy.” . . .

Jack Finarelli, aka the Sports Curmudgeon, checks in with this: “Just in case you were worried that hyperbole might be on the wane, CBS announced that Super Bowl 50 — to be televised on CBS in February, of course – will be ‘the most historic broadcast event of all time.’ Really? Have the suits at CBS forgotten already about Katie Couric’s colonoscopy and that time Judge Judy had to interrupt and scold one or both of the ‘litigants’ in her ‘court,’ and/or the final episode of My Mother the Car?” . . .

“San Francisco has banned chewing tobacco in sports venues starting Jan. 1, 2016,” reports Janice Hough, aka The Left Coast Sports Babe. “John Shea in the San Francisco Chronicle quotes one anonymous Giants player as asking: ‘But you can smoke weed?’ ” . . . Here’s Hough, again: “Reports say that New Jersey governor Chris Christie spent $82,000 at Jets/Giants games at MetLife Stadium between 2010 and 2011. Well, to be fair, at NFL prices that’s probably only a few dozen beers.” . . . With a playoff game on the line the other night, David Blatt, the head coach of the Cleveland Cavaliers, drew up a play that had LeBron James making the in-bound pass. “The play that was drawn up, I scratched,” James said after making a buzzer-beater. “I just told coach, just give me the ball.” . . . According to Hough, Marshall Lynch said: “Damn, you can DO that!?” . . .

Headline at SportsPickle.com: Yankees honor A-Rod’s HR achievement with new car that has the brake lines cut. . . . Headline at TheOnion.com: Raiders considering taking chance on prospect with zero off-field incidents. . . . Another headline from TheOnion.com: Jimmy Garoppolo informs locker-room attendants how he likes footballs. . . . Jimmy Garoppolo? He’s the man for the Patriots if Brady is under suspension when the NFL season begins.

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

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A midweek tweet from Ken Campbell of The Hockey News: “Cautionary tale to NHL teams: Aston Villa of British Premier League had to cancel Goal of the Month promotion because it didn't score any.” . . . This was just days after the Winnipeg Jets scored three goals in three road games and still managed to earn five points. They lost 2-1 in a shootout to the New Jersey Devils, beat the New York Rangers 1-0 in a shootout and got past the Chicago Blackhawks, 1-0. . . . Shades of the dead-puck era. . . . During the World Series, Kansas City Royals manager Ned Yost admitted to having lost some of his anonymity and added that he often uses the name “Frank” when he’s out and about. “I have the same problem,” explains blogger Chad Picasner. “When I make reservations, I use the name ‘Ned Yost.’ ” . . .

The Detroit Lions sent CJ Mosley home from London and suspended him for two weeks. The crime? Smokin’ dope and being a dope -- he disabled a hotel smoke alarm. According to Vancouver comic Torben Rolfsen: “Mosley and the NFLPA have filed a grievance with the league, asking that future overseas games be played in Amsterdam.” . . . “Designer Oscar de la Renta was laid to rest this week in New York,” notes Richmond, B.C., blogger TC Chong. “No word on what he was wearing, but a relative said Oscar wouldn’t be caught dead wearing an Armani suit.” . . .

This is just so Chicago Cubbish. The Cubbies are paying three managers right now -- Joe Maddon, who was just signed; Rick Renteria, who was fired to make room for Maddon; and, Dale Sveum, who was dumped before Renteria was welcomed aboard. . . . When the Cubs signed their latest manager, the headline in the Chicago Sun-Times read: Maddon 15. . . . Last season, Arkansas Razorbacks basketball coach Mike Anderson and forward Alandise Harris didn’t see eye-to-eye. When asked by the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette just what happened, Harris explained: “He didn’t like the answers I was giving him. We solved that when I got suspended.” . . .

Fox Deportes has decided to add stock car racing in Spanish to its TV schedule. As Greg Cote of the Miami Herald noted: “NASCAR previously had been broadcast in only two languages: English and Redneck.” . . . If you are of a certain age, you will remember Bruce Jenner as the winner of the Olympic decathlon. “When I was growing up his face was on a box of Wheaties,” says Jimmy Kimmel. “Now his face isn’t even on his face anymore.” . . .

Headline at SportsPickle.com: LeBron: ‘It’s just now hitting me that I chose to play in Cleveland again.’ . . . Headline at TheOnion.com: Sportswriter has hunch team will use bye week to get healthy. . . . Another headline from TheOnion.com: New evidence confirms A-Rod invented steroids. . . . “How do the Philadelphia 76ers mark the end of Daylight Saving Time?” wonders Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times. “They set their clock back one hour, and then some other team comes and cleans it.” . . .

You may have heard that former big league outfielder Jose Canseco was cleaning one of his four guns the other day when he shot off a finger. “On the bright side,” notes CBS-TV’s Craig Ferguson, “he’s taken so much human growth hormone that the finger grew right back.” . . . Apparently, it was the middle finger of Canseco’s right hand. . . .  “Doctors say he’ll recover,” reported Bruce Murdock of Portland radio station KKCW, “but he’ll never be able to drive in New York City again.” . . .

RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com was in Selkirk to watch some Grand Slam curling on Oct. 31. Why? He explained: “3. I enjoy watching others clean house; 2. I enjoy being the youngest spectator; 1. Anna Sidorova.” . . . One more from Currie: “I apologized to my wife for being late for dinner and said I was a real dumbell. I got held up at the gym.” . . . A tip of the fedora to Mike Wiens, who owns the Great Canadian Oil Change franchise in Regina. He is offering free oil changes for drivers with veteran's licence plates through Monday. Gotta love that. . . .

Kelly Olynyk, who played his high school basketball in Kamloops, is in his second season with the Boston Celtics and is the NBA team's starting centre. In each of his last two games, he has gone 2-for-2 from three-point range. According to Elias Sports Bureau, "Since the NBA instituted the three-point field goal in 1979-80, the only other starting centres who shot 2-for-2 or better from beyond the arc in each of two straight games are the Lakers' Vlade Divac in January 1993, Utah's Mehmet Okur in January 2009, and San Antonio's Boris Diaw in January 2014. None of those players extended their streak to three games." . . . On Saturday, Olynyk went 2-for-4 from long range -- he missed his second attempt -- as the Celtics shocked the host Chicago Bulls, 106-101. Olynyk finished with 18 points and 11 rebounds in 33 minutes 26 seconds of playing time. . . .

“President Obama has declared the lava flow from Hawaii’s Kilauea volcano to be a major disaster, which frees up federal money to help,” reports Janice Hough, aka The Left Coast Sports Babe. “Wonder how many people are thinking.‘Yeah, just like Obama to send U.S. money overseas.’ ” . . . Here’s Hough, after courts upheld a ban on gay marriage in the states of Kentucky, Michigan, Ohio and Tennessee: “So in those last two states, men can still marry their sisters, just not their brothers?” . .

“The price of gas jumped six cents one day last week,” writes Cam Hutchinson of the Saskatoon Express. “What happened? Did somebody in Saudi Arabia fart?” . . . ICYMI, pro golfer Keegan Bradley decided the other day to tweet this about Michael Jordan: “MJ how does it feel to get beat by me everyday at Bears Club? #GoHornets.” . . . To which Jordan tweeted back: “Last time I looked, you were wearing MY shoes. You don’t see me wearing Air Keegans . . .” . . . Bradley came back with: “Hahaha. Damn. Game over.”

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

An observation from Norman Chad, in his Couch Slouch column from the Washington Post: “Can you imagine the buildup and the hype — think of the length of the pregame show alone — if ESPN were around for the creation of the world?” . . . When the Seattle Seahawks dealt receiver Percy Harvin to the New York Jets, the New York Post headlined it: Percy snatcher. . . . The gang at Fark.com went with: Ppppercy and the Jets. . . . Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com noted: “Seattle will apparently receive a conditional draft pick in 2015. Percy Harvin will receive the month of January off.” . . .

After arriving in London, England, where they play the Atlanta Falcons on Sunday, the Detroit Lions released running back William Powell. So much for him getting the royal treatment. . . . Headline at TheOnion.com: Calvin Johnson is out until back is healthy enough to carry team again. . . .

Jimmy Kimmel of ABC-TV yearns for the good ol’ days. “I love baseball,” he says. “You know, baseball was our national pastime before selfies took over.” . . . One of the college football bowl games this festive season will be the Buffalo Wild Wings Citrus Bowl. Len Berman of ThatsSports.com points out: “Yup, nothing goes together quite as well as spicy wings and a citrusy drink. What’s next, Guantanamo Bay sponsoring the Liberty Bowl?” . . . Here’s Brad Dickson of the Omaha World-Herald making a valid point: “At a WWE event, the Big Show ripped down a Russian flag. Before World War III starts, can someone quickly explain to the Russians about pro wrestling? Thanks.” . . .

Thanks to Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times for passing along a note from Vox.com. Wanting to see how much action there is in a televised NFL game, the folks there took an in-depth look at what was shown during the telecast of the Oct. 6 game between the Cincinnati Bengals and New England Patriots. The results:
• Players standing around: 35.5 per cent
• Commercials: 24.5 per cent
• Replays: 10.7 per cent
• Coach shots: 4.9 per cent
• Referee shots: 3.2 per cent
• Halftime: 3.2 per cent
• Sideline player shots: 2.2 per cent
• On-screen promotions: 2 per cent
• Other (crowd shots, cheerleaders): 5.5 per cent
• Actual football being played: 8.3 per cent.

“According to an ABC News report,” writes RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, “clowns carrying baseball bats have been terrorizing people in Bakersfield, California. ‘We feel your pain,’ said Cubs fans.” . . . A note to the talking heads doing the highlight shows who refer to the NBA as the Association. There is only one Association and they sang Windy. Feel free to Google it. OK? . . . “The Canadian Ebola vaccine looks very promising,” notes comedy writer Alex Kaseberg. “If Canada can rid themselves of Justin Bieber, they can get rid of anything.” . . .

Hey, TSN, you can ditch those fantasy football commercials as soon as you can find the delete button. Thanks. . . . “The NBA is experimenting with shortening games,” writes Bob Molinaro of the Hampton Roads Virginian-Pilot, “while some players wish for a shorter season. But when it comes to sports in general on TV, what I want is a lot less pre-game chatter – none would be good – from the overcrowded panels whose analysis amounts to nothing. And I get what I want simply by not watching until the ball is in play.” . . . But, gee, without the panels, what’s left? . . . Gee, where would the likes of P.J. Stock and Glenn Healy go to be heard? . . .

Here’s Molinaro, again: “Media accounts of Kansas City’s undying love for its Royals go real easy on the inconvenient truth that the team ranked 25th out of 30 in attendance. The https://twitter.com/Royals were one of only six MLB clubs that didn’t break the 2-million mark this year. But don’t expect the facts to get in the way of a good story.” . . . Michael Beasley has played his way out of the NBA and signed with the Shanghai Sharks. Which got Greg Cote of the Miami Herald to asking: “How do you say ‘got weed?’ in Chinese?” . . .

With Peyton Manning and the Denver Broncos putting a hammering on the San Francisco 49ers on Sunday night, Vancouver comic Torben Rolfsen tweeted: “Finally, something positive to take Coloradans minds off worrying about weed-tainted Halloween candy.” . . . Have to wonder how many major league managers called their realtors when they found out Friday that Joe Maddon had left the Tampa Bay Rays. . . .

We close this week with a thought or two from Jack Finarelli, the Sports Curmudgeon, who is quickly becoming our resident sports philosopher: “With regard to Dallas Cowboys’ running back Joseph Randle’s arrest for shoplifting some cologne and some underwear because he supposedly did not want to wait in a long line at the cashier to pay for those items, can I please get someone at ESPN or FOX Sports1 to stop calling this a bad decision. That was so far beyond a simple ‘bad decision’ that it is insulting to every person on earth who ever made a bad decision. Buying and holding Enron stock was a bad decision; wasting two hours of one’s life to see the movie Ishtar was a bad decision; shoplifting items because the cashier line was too long to wait in is not a bad decision; it is an indicator of a massive case of entitlement. The fact that he is now some kind of spokesthing for the underwear company ought to be embarrassing to the max – but entitled people seem not to understand the concept of embarrassment.”

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

Jenny's back on the block

How bad are the mosquitoes in Edmonton these days? “You have to be careful when coaching third base at our ball park that you don’t put on the hit and run at the wrong time because you were slapping a mosquito on the indicator sign,” Edmonton Capitals manager Orv Franchuk told Terry Jones of the Edmonton Sun. . . . “I’ve never seen anything like it,” Eskimos GM Eric Tillman told Jones. “The next thing that’s going to pop up on our injury report is malaria. It’s like we’re practising in a jungle!” . . . The skeeters were so bad on Thursday that the Eskimos moved their practice inside. . . . Those mosquitoes likely have more bite than the 0-2 B.C. Lions, who are in Edmonton tonight. . . .
Here’s one from blogger R.J. Currie: “The Daily Mail reports the Seattle Mariners are one of the teams planning to have nut-free games this year. I thought they did that when they released Milton Bradley.” . . . With the Dodgers having filed for bankruptcy protection, ABC-TV’s Jimmy Kimmel offered: “I don’t know how an organization that sells a beer for $12 runs out of money, but they did.” . . . Comedy writer Jim Barach noted: “Who knew that the old Dodgers mantra of ‘Wait ’til next year!’ would have to do with trying to meet payroll?” . . . Iowa Speedway, the site of a recent IndyCar race, is known for its really bumpy corners. When the Des Moines Register asked driver Danica Patrick about her propensity for taking those corners at full throttle, she replied: “That took some ovaries to do.” . . .
A Tuesday tweet from the PGA of B.C., during a tournament in Pemberton: “Bear on the 4th hole just ripped apart a players bag at Big Sky in Assistants Championship.” . . . Which goes to prove the golf adage that some days you eat the bear and other days the bear eats your bag. . . . Having baseball’s all-star game decide home-field advantage in the World Series, notes Len Berman of thatssports.com, “makes as much sense as moving the Super Bowl to the home city of one of the teams based on the Pro Bowl! They’ve gotta change this.” . . . The man has a point. . . .
It’s almost as if the rats are deserting a sinking ship. First, it was Jeff Marek leaving Hockey Night in Canada for Sportsnet and now Pierre LeBrun has bailed for TSN. Marek used to be on HNIC’s iDesk, while LeBrun, who will continue to work for ESPN.com, was part of the After 40 Minutes gang. . . . And, if you missed it, Rogers Sportsnet cut ties with hockey play-caller Peter Loubardias on Wednesday. No explanation given. . . . Loubardias was the TV voice of the Calgary Flames and also handled the Memorial Cup for Sportsnet. . . . Say it ain’t so, J-Lo! Say it ain’t so! . . . It’s a wonder that the Internet didn’t implode from all the bad jokes after J-Lo and her third husband, ol’ what’s his name, announced they had visited Splitsville. . . .
Ty Davidson and the Golden Rockets are hoping the DeFrias brothers from Kamloops will burn up the KIJHL in the fall. Brett, a defenceman, had 32 points in 43 games with the Rockets last season. The other day, Davidson acquired Colten, a forward, from the Kelowna Chiefs. He had 36 points, including 22 goals, in 34 games last season. . . . In Saskatchewan, where it’s all Roughriders all the time, they have unveiled Darian’s Darios, a cereal named after QB Darian Durant. . . . “To boost first-week sales for the cereal,” writes Dave Deibert of the Saskatoon StarPhoenix, “grocery stores around the province were offering a Roughriders special: 13 boxes for the price of 12.” . . .
Our man Dylan Armstrong got some publicity in Toronto on Tuesday, before winning the National Track League shot putting title there the next evening. “Press has been crazy,” he said via text on Tuesday evening. “Did Canada AM on CTV at studio. Was really good.” . . . Armstrong was in Victoria on July 2 to honour old friend Gary Reed, Canada’s best-ever 800-metre man and an Olympian. A lot of Reed’s friends gathered for a retirement dinner; they also named the Victoria Track Classic’s main event The Gary Reed 800m. . . . Mike Bianchi, in the Orlando Sentinel: “Did you see where Greg Anderson, Barry Bonds’ personal trainer, has been barred from coaching a youth league baseball team in the San Francisco area? Too bad because he would have given a whole new meaning to the term ‘juice boxes.’ ” . . .
Catharine Pendrel, the reigning World Cup champion who trains in Kamloops, is in Canmore today for the Canadian cross-country mountain bike championships. She will be working to keep rival Marie-Hélène Prémont from her seventh Canadian elite title, which would tie Alison Sydor’s record. . . . Ron Judd, in the Seattle Times: “Weather records indicate Seattle has been getting wetter and warmer, which at least ought to provide some new material for people who gripe that it’s only been getting richer and ruder.” . . . Jeff Speedy, a former interim athletic director and women’s basketball coach at TRU, will be back on campus later this year. He is bringing his U of New Brunswick Varsity Reds to the annual BDO Canada preseason tournament. . . .
In case you missed it, the legendary Joey Chestnut won the Nathan’s hot dog-eating contest on July 4. The inaugural women’s title went to Sonya (The Black Widow) Thomas. He downed 62 hot dogs in 10 minutes; she handled 40. . . . The Left Coast Sports Babe would like to see a division for super models. “The winner would be the first to finish a cocktail weiner,” she scribbled. . . . Pat Hickey, in the Montreal Gazette: “It’s comical to see Matthew Hulsizer pop up as the possible owner of the St. Louis Blues. Here’s a guy who was only willing to put up $70 million of his own money to buy the Phoenix Coyotes and now he’s going to pony up $165 million for the Blues?” . . .
You may not be interested in hearing this but quarterback Brett Favre is said to be thinking about playing some more football. Here’s Greg Couch of FanHouse.com: “Brett Favre is like a piece of gum you’ve chewed too long and can’t find a place to spit out. Once you finally do — thank God! — you accidentally step in it and can’t get it off your shoe.” . . . During the second round of last week’s John Deere Classic, John Daly came up with a 13 on the par-3 fourth hole. “Two-putted,” he explained. “(I missed a) 20-footer for 12.” . . . Hey, golfers, have you heard about the Rupert Murdoch Invitational? Comedy writer Alan Ray explains it: “Not a lot of good golfers involved. Mostly a bunch of hackers.”

Gregg Drinnan is sports editor of The Daily News. He is at gdrinnan@kamloopsnews.ca, twitter.com/gdrinnan, and gdrinnan.blogspot.com. Keeping Scoreappears sporadically over the summer months.