A-Rod as The Needler? . . . Javelin takes out tooth . . . Time to take up painting?

“Tom Brady’s agent said the Deflategate report has ‘significant and tragic flaws’,” writes Brad Dickson of the Omaha World-Herald. “Can we perhaps save the word ‘tragic’ for things more important than some guy letting the air out of a ball?” . . . Dickson adds: “The Patriots are claiming that text messages using the term ‘deflator’ are a reference to an equipment manager's weight loss. Everyone on the planet who believes this will be meeting on Saturday in the Patriots' training whirlpool.” . . . That equipment manager apparently goes by the nickname The Deflator. “They said it's because he's trying to lose weight,” Vancouver comic Torben Rolfsen says. “Remember when A-Rod was always having fun making jokes at his teammates' expense? That's why he was called The Needler.” . . .

Here’s ABC-TV’s Jimmy Kimmel: “I hope Deflategate is a good lesson for kids. If you cheat and don’t play fair, you will be the MVP of the Super Bowl and marry one of the most beautiful women on earth. Remember that.” . . . Here’s NBC-TV’s Jimmy Fallon, after noting that the Deflategate report said it was ‘more probable than not’ that Brady knew game balls were being tampered with: “Did they do this investigation with a Magic 8 Ball? ‘Try again later?’ ‘Reply hazy?’ ” . . . After hearing about Brady having been suspended, TNT’s Conan O’Brien offered: “They’re going to punish him by making him stay home in his mansion with his supermodel wife and think about what he did wrong.” . . .

The NHL opened its conference finals with games on Saturday at 10 a.m., Pacific, and Sunday, at noon. Hey, Gary, it’s a long weekend up here and the weather is glorious. I’m sorry but there were a million better things to do than watch your referees swallow their whistles for a couple of more games. . . . Bryan Clay, a former U.S. Olympic decathlete, used his javelin to help his daughter, Ellie, get rid of a loose baby tooth the other day. Yes, he did it exactly the way in which you are thinking. . . . “Here’s hoping Ellie doesn’t let her dad pierce her ears,” writes Ian Hamilton of the Regina Leader-Post. . . . Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg added: “Let’s hope she never gets tonsillitis.” . . .

Women of Algiers, a Picasso painting that was done in the early 1950s, has sold at auction for US$179.3 million. Take away the 12 per cent commission and the price is $160 million. . . . Be careful that you don’t get trampled in the painting section at Michael’s by soon-to-be painters. . . . Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times, comparing the price of that painting to the salary of the Seattle Mariners’ ace, wrote: “Felix Hernandez, by comparison, gets roughly only $750,000 per masterpiece — but then again, he just paints the corners.” . . . “Kris Bryant, Chicago’s highly touted rookie, hit his first career home run the other day and his Cubs teammates responded by emptying the dugout,” writes Bill Littlejohn, our South Lake Tahoe, Calif., correspondent. “It’s one of the few empty dugouts this season that didn't involve the Kansas City Royals.” . . . “The baseball record books are wrong,” Littlejohn claims. “Before Corey Kluber, the last to record 18 strikeouts did it on match.com.” . . .

After Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn split up, Steve Schrader of the Detroit Press noted: “Hey, it worked for Rory.” . . . RJ Currie at SportsDeke.com: “According to the Daily Mail, Lindsay Vonn split with Tiger Woods because he cheated on her. Talk about a guy wasting a mulligan.” . . . If Woods really was out and about again, the afore-mentioned Hamilton noted, “it proves once again that a Tiger can’t change its stripes.” . . . One more from Currie: “Prince William and Kate, the Duchess of Cambridge, named their new baby girl Charlotte Elizabeth Diana. NHL translation — Charsy.” . . .

Jack Finarelli, aka the Sports Curmudgeon, checks in with this: “Just in case you were worried that hyperbole might be on the wane, CBS announced that Super Bowl 50 — to be televised on CBS in February, of course – will be ‘the most historic broadcast event of all time.’ Really? Have the suits at CBS forgotten already about Katie Couric’s colonoscopy and that time Judge Judy had to interrupt and scold one or both of the ‘litigants’ in her ‘court,’ and/or the final episode of My Mother the Car?” . . .

“San Francisco has banned chewing tobacco in sports venues starting Jan. 1, 2016,” reports Janice Hough, aka The Left Coast Sports Babe. “John Shea in the San Francisco Chronicle quotes one anonymous Giants player as asking: ‘But you can smoke weed?’ ” . . . Here’s Hough, again: “Reports say that New Jersey governor Chris Christie spent $82,000 at Jets/Giants games at MetLife Stadium between 2010 and 2011. Well, to be fair, at NFL prices that’s probably only a few dozen beers.” . . . With a playoff game on the line the other night, David Blatt, the head coach of the Cleveland Cavaliers, drew up a play that had LeBron James making the in-bound pass. “The play that was drawn up, I scratched,” James said after making a buzzer-beater. “I just told coach, just give me the ball.” . . . According to Hough, Marshall Lynch said: “Damn, you can DO that!?” . . .

Headline at SportsPickle.com: Yankees honor A-Rod’s HR achievement with new car that has the brake lines cut. . . . Headline at TheOnion.com: Raiders considering taking chance on prospect with zero off-field incidents. . . . Another headline from TheOnion.com: Jimmy Garoppolo informs locker-room attendants how he likes footballs. . . . Jimmy Garoppolo? He’s the man for the Patriots if Brady is under suspension when the NFL season begins.

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

There has never been a subscription fee for this blog, but if you enjoy stopping by here, why not consider donating to the cause? Just click HERE. . . and thank you very much.

Brooks vs. Mayweather? . . . Tebow on drums? . . . Spring football popular

“I've reached a big decision,” tweets actor/comedian Albert Brooks. “I will let Floyd Mayweather beat the (bleep) out of me for $300 million.” . . . “Stephen Harper was at the Winnipeg Jets game Wednesday night,” notes Vancouver comic Torben Rolfsen. “The Jets were eliminated from the NHL playoffs and now are owned by Saudi Arabia.” . . . Richmond, B.C., blogger TC Chong also noted that Harper was at that game. “Apparently the tickets were an anonymous gift,” Chong reported, “and the receipt for them had been previously reimbursed to a Mike Duffy.” . . . A Friday tweet from Montreal journalist Jack Todd: “Peter Chiarelli is going to a really bad team. But he's smiling because Cam Neely is no longer sitting on his head.” . . .

Bill Littlejohn, our South Lake Tahoe, Calif., correspondent, had a great week so he gets his own paragraph. . . .“The best and most consistent starter for the defending World Champion San Francisco Giants is not named Peavy or Lincecum, or even Bumgarner — but is named Heston. Fans are wondering: (1) How could this happen; and (2) What are his views on gun control?” . . . “There is joy and merriment at the North Pole — with the Philadelphia Eagles’ signing of quarterback Tim Tebow, Santa Claus knows he won't be alone in being booed in Philly at Christmas.” . . . “An Eagles exec says that Tebow has improved since his stint with the New England Patriots. That's like saying that Eddie the Eagle has improved since the '88 Olympics.” . . . “The Eagles have worked their home schedule around the Pope's visit — but many of their fans plan to show up and boo him anyway.” . . .

Former NFL kicker Jay Feely appeared on Jim Rome on Showtime the other day. Asked about Tebow, Feely said he respects him as a man but said the quarterback was “the single-worst quarterback I ever saw in my career in the NFL.” . . . Ian Hamilton of the Regina Leader-Post noted: “It sounds like Jay is a very touchy Feely person.” . . . French swimmer Amaury Leveaux won gold at the 2012 London Olympics and now has written a book. In it, he claims that cocaine use was prevalent among French swimmers. "Some of us wouldn't spit at a little line of coke from time to time,” he wrote. “For others it's not just a little line, it's a complete motorway covered in white powder which they zoom down at top speed." . . . Hamilton reports that “French officials plan to investigate toot de suite.” . . .

Jimmy Fallon of NBC-TV admits to being shocked when he heard about Tebow signing with the Eagles. Fallon explained: “It is pretty shocking, mainly because I didn’t even know he played an instrument.” . . . In 2013, Tom Brady and Gisele Bündchen purchased a 3,310-square-foot apartment in New York City. They paid US$14 million for the 47th-floor unit. You could have rented it — $45,000 per month furnished, or $42,500 unfurnished — but someone beat you to it. . . . Tom and Gisele can use the pocket change. . . . Headline at TheOnion.com: Report: New NFL stadium in Los Angeles could create thousands of local law-enforcement jobs. . . . After Houston Rockets centre Dwight Howard said his home contains 50 guns and 20 snakes, Fark.com pointed out: “Or as that’s called in the Texas homebuilding market, standard features.” . . .

“The Apple Watch, scheduled to be in stores April 24, now won’t be there until June,” reports Janice Hough, aka The Left Coast Sports Babe. “Isn’t the first function of a watch to be on time?” . . . One more from Hough: “San Francisco 49ers right guard Alex Boone apparently told HBO’s Real Sports about former head coach Jim Harbaugh: ‘This guy might be clinically insane.’ Just wondering what percentage of NFL coaches Boone thinks aren’t?” . . . The national-champion Ohio State Buckeyes played their annual spring game last Saturday and 99,391 fans showed up. That is a record for a spring game. The Buckeyes had drawn 95,722 in 2009. In Alabama, the Crimson Tide had 65,157 at its spring game this year, while Nebraska drew 76,881 and Michigan 66,000. . . . Yes, football is king. . . .

“A mom in Michigan discovered marijuana inside a pair of jeans she bought at Target for her nine-year-old son,” reports Brad Dickson of the Omaha World-Herald. “This is the first kid ever happy with the clothes his mom picked out.” . . . “The NBA playoffs are underway,” notes Dickson. “This is the annual sports postseason that takes slightly longer than it did to build the average Egyptian pyramid.” . . . Headline at SportsPickle.com: LeBron’s 10-year-old son drops 40 points on Celtics on ‘Take Your Kids to Work Day.’

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

There has never been a subscription fee for this blog, but if you enjoy stopping by here, why not consider donating to the cause? Just click HERE. . . and thank you very much.

Are we really disgusted with Alex Rodriguez? Do we really despise other cheaters in sports? “We as a culture don’t hate cheating,” writes Ray Ratto of CSNbayarea.com. “In fact, we not only don’t hate it, we like it -– love it, in fact. Can’t get enough. In fact, based on the talking points from the last World Series and the Jackie Robinson West scandalette, we need far more cheating than we are currently getting. It has always worked for wrestling, Roller Derby and politics, and there’s no reason now that we’ve had so much fun with this last NFL season that we can’t ask for more. We’ll take all the cheating and despicable behaviour you’ve got.” . . . If you’re not aware, the recent India-Pakistan ICC World Cup match — that would be cricket, of course — drew a TV audience of about one billion people. That is about eight times larger than the Super Bowl’s viewing audience. . . .

“If recent pictures out of Florida are any indication, new Boston Red Sox third baseman Pablo Sandoval turned up at spring training slightly out of shape,” writes Ian Hamilton of the Regina Leader-Post. “The Kung Fu Panda looks more like the Kung Pao Panda.” . . . “Bill Murray hasn’t been funny on a golf course since Caddyshack in 1980,” writes Phil Mushnick of the New York Post. “Nevertheless, throughout every Pebble Beach Pro-Am, CBS finds him inescapably hilarious.” . . . A Sunday tweet from Golf.com: “When Pebble Beach opened on Feb. 22, 1919, greens fees were $2 for gentlemen and $1.50 for ladies. Today: $495.” . . .

Headline at Fark.com: When the star hits the road in a salary unload, that’s Amar’e. . . . The New York Knicks bought out what was left on Amar’e Stoudemire’s five-year, US$99 million contract, resulting in his saying that he was leaving with “a heavy heart.” Bud Shaw of the Cleveland Plain Dealer pointed out that “is probably an indication he carries his wallet in his breast pocket.” . . . “Amar’e Stoudemire wrote a goodbye poem to New York,” reports contributor Bill Littlejohn. “He was a little disappointed that he couldn't find something that rhymes with 'fire extinguisher’ “ . . . Here’s Littlejohn, again: “Danny Almonte has come to the defence of the Jackie Robinson West Little League Team. Isn't that like Kim Jong Un coming to the defence of Kanye West?” . . .

A woman in a Manhattan diner got a fish hook in her mouth as she bit into her dinner. CBS-TV’s David Letterman summed it up this way: “I hate when you go into a restaurant and you’re the catch of the day.” . . . “Let me just clear something up,” writes Brad Dickson of the Omaha World-Herald. “If you live in Colorado and your neighbor invites you over for a ‘pot roast,’ it doesn't mean the same thing as it does elsewhere.” . . . Dickson, again: “On Presidents Day, a lot of people don't work and instead sit around taking it easy. Sounds more like Vice Presidents Day. Presidents Day is when we honor the greatest leaders in American history with 30 per cent off on products that are mostly made in China.” . . .

In autographing a poster for Barack Obama, Michael Jordan misspelled the U.S. president’s name. As NBC-TV’s Jimmy Fallon pointed out, “The president made sure Jordan’s name was spelled right when he had him audited by the IRS.” . . . Brian Burke, the president of hockey operations with the Calgary Flames, isn’t much of a golf fan. As he told Calgary radio station Jack FM the other day: "I hate golf because it's slow and there's no fighting."

“An ESPN survey of NHL agents reveals the top three cities that players don’t want to go to are: 1. Edmonton; 2. Winnipeg; 3. Buffalo,” writes Richmond, B.C., blogger TC Chong. “Congratulations to Evander Kane, who is attempting to complete the trifecta.” . . . After Miss P, a beagle from Enderby, B.C., was named Best In Show at the prestigious Westminster Kennel Club show in New York, Chong reported that residents of Enderby “now are planning to change the road greeting sign to Welcome to EnderBeagle.” . . . Here’s Janice Hough, aka The Left Coast Sports Babe: “The beagle that won Best In Show at the Westminster Dog Show, and thus became ‘America’s Dog’, is actually Canadian. Another immigrant taking something away from Americans. I blame Obama.”

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

There has never been a subscription fee for this blog, but if you enjoy stopping by here, why not consider donating to the cause? Just click HERE. . . and thank you very much.

After that great American sporting event of July 4 -- Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest -- Eric Kolenich of the Richmond, Va., Times-Dispatch scribbled: “Joey (Jaws) Chestnut consumed 61 hot dogs in 10 minutes. The average American eats only 70 per year.” . . . You should know that prior to this year’s event, ESPN renewed its contract with Major League Eating, which isn’t to be confused with Major League Baseball, for the next 10 years. . . . A quiz from Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times -- “The greatest American sports dynasty of the 21st Century is: a) the Spurs; b) the Red Sox; c) Joey Chestnut.” . . . A tweet from David Larkins of the Winnipeg Sun: “Joey Chestnut is coming to Winnipeg. So now's a great chance to grab that hot dog bun you've always wanted autographed.” . . .

The Purdy family in Kansas is headed up by Casey, a New York Yankees fan who has brothers named Roger, Andy and Mickey. Casey’s children are named Jeter, Maris and Yogi. . . . Seriously. . . . As Perry notes: “Luckily for the Purdys, it’s a long way down the Yankees’ all-time roster to the likes of Stubby Overmire, Snuffy Sternweiss and Pee-Wee Wanninger.” . . . Competitors in the Tour de France have been complaining about spectators standing on the road to take selfies with the cyclists headed their way. As Perry noted: “Too bad this fad hasn’t caught on at the Running of the Bulls.” . . .

Of Germany’s 7-1 throttling of Brazil in a World Cup semifinal game, Ian Hamilton of the Regina Leader-Post claims “it was the most embarrassing outcome of a high-profile contest since Rob Ford was elected mayor of Toronto.” . . . In case you missed it, running back Jerome Messam’s tour of the CFL is continuing in Regina. He was added to the Roughriders’ roster during the week; he also has worn uniforms belonging to the B.C. Lions, Edmonton Eskimos and Montreal Alouettes. . . . You wonder if the ultra-talented Messam realizes that the Arena league is next. . . .

With LeBron James’ decision to return home to Cleveland, you no doubt were wondering if he also would give the Cavaliers a hometown discount. . . . Yes, and pigs can fly. . . . He will sign a two-year deal for US$42.2 million with the Cavs. In two years, the NBA will get another gazillion dollars in TV money, meaning there will be even more money there for the best players. He will opt out of his contract and here we go again. . . . “LeBron James says his time in Florida was like going to college for him,” reports Vancouver funnyman Torben Rolfsen. “That would make him the first athlete in Miami to last four years in college.” . . . James, it seems, is intent on spending his playing days chasing the ghost of Michael Jordan. What James, who has two NBA championship rings, seems to forget is that Jordan won six rings in eight years and did it all with one team, the Chicago Bulls. . . . One more Cleveland-related note from Rolfsen: “Johnny Manziel spends more time in Las Vegas than Celine Dion.” . . .

Bill Hillmann, the author of How to Survive the Bulls of Pamplona, got bored during this month’s running of the bulls. As Richmond blogger TC Chong put it: “I’m guessing this guy knows how to write, but doesn’t know how to read or run.” . . . According to BBC News, Trixie, a border terrier, had surgery to remove a ball that had been lodged in her stomach for more than two years. RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com notes that “reincarnationists claim Trixie was once a line judge at a Serena Williams match.” . . . Headline at SportsPickle.com: Nation eagerly anticipates the release of Johnny Manziel’s 4th of July weekend party photos. . . . Headline at TheOnion.com: BREAKING: LeBron James Leaning Toward Joining Al-Qaeda. . . . Another TheOnion.com headline: Ravens warn rookies to save some extra money for bail. . . .

Planning on visiting Kamloops? Remember that the STOP signs are for decorative purposes only; we don’t stop at them, but we sometimes hang Garage Sale signs on them. . . . Remember, too, that the province has said it will crack down on those who drive in the left-hand lane. But the crackdown doesn’t seem to have started yet. . . . The next time you see that awful Honda commercial that features Indy Car driver James Hinchcliffe, check out the line in the asphalt in front of his car at the beginning and then again when the camera pulls back to show that he is sitting in a parked car. . . . Hard to believe but it seems that commercial took more than one take. . . .

Former major leaguer Jose Canseco apparently went on a recent tour that took him into Canada. “Obviously,” wrote Brad Dickson of the Omaha World-Herald, “America’s revenge on our neighbor to the north for sending us Justin Bieber.” . . . In case you missed it, the host Edmonton GreenGolds beat the Ottawa RedBlacks 27-11 in a Friday night CFL game. . . . When baseball’s All-Star Game hits Target Field in Minneapolis on Monday and Tuesday, fans will be able to use the new automated beer-vending machines, all of which doesn’t really excite Tonight Show host Jimmy Fallon. As he noted: “Big deal. My dad had a self-serving beer machine 30 years ago. It was called ‘Jimmy.’ ”

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at gdrinnan.blogspot.ca and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

There has never been a subscription fee for this blog, but if you enjoy stopping by here, why not consider donating to the cause? Just click HERE. . . and thank you very much.